Download

I finally downloaded the most recent version of iTunes. It totally sucks balls.

A Minor Issue

I hate when people/books say, "He/she shook her head yes." You don't shake your head yes, you nod your head yes and shake your head no. Get it right.

Passive Aggressive Theatre

Funny stuff. So my cousin's Beagle has recently decided he doesn't want to share our attention with Bernie and has taken to attacking him. To the point where he has to be pinned down to get him under control. He also takes all his toys and tosses them around. Bernie, being a big giant chicken, immediately backs off and hides in the hallway or the corner, pretty much until Beasley leaves the house. What makes it hilarious is yesterday, after Beasley leaves, Bernie picks up one of the toys that Beasley had and starts playing this totally growling, aggressive game of tug-of-war. I mean, he gets pretty into tug-of-war no matter what. But this was so clearly a "Yeah, do something now Beasley! This is what I'd do to you if you came back right now!" The big chicken can talk shit when the competition is gone, but acts like a big wuss when he's in the room. And the fact that Bernie is 4x Beasley's weight makes it all the more hilarious.

Christmas Favs

I was just thinking about my favorite Christmas music and such. Enjoy.

• Fav Christmas Song: "White Christmas," versions by Bing Crosby and Otis Redding
• Fav Instrumental Christmas Song: "Linus and Lucy," Vince Guaraldi (Completely unrelated to Christmas: Does anyone remember "Hey Ya" Charlie Brown? Hilarious).
• Fav Christmas Song Error: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." I always thought this song was really inappropriate. Why would if be okay to discuss Moms creeping around on the DL with Santa? Well, what a relief when I learned Santa was actually Daddy dressed up. I was about 20 or so at the time. It wasn't a relief to find out I'm an idiot.
• Fav Christmas Song Debate: The correct lyrics to "Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas." Can't let a year pass without bringing that up.
• Fav Christmas Album: It's a toss up between The Jackson 5 and the Temptations.
• Runners-up fav Christmas Songs: "Let It Snow," Boys II Men; "Happy Xmas (War is Over)," John Lennon (?)

We'll end with some of my other favorite versions of Christmas songs.

• "Silent Night" -Boys II Men
• "Do You Hear What I Hear"- Whitney Houston
• "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"- The Temptations
• "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" -Jackson 5
• "The Twelve Days of Christmas"- The Muppets. When Beaker sings I almost pee myself.
• "Oh, Holy Night"- Cartman
• "Someday at Christmas"- Stevie Wonder
• Worst Christmas Song Ever: "Santa Baby"

I'm kinda racist. Most of these versions are sung by black people.My bad.

Muppets

The Muppets were quite progressive, when you think about it. They went beyond a bi-racial relationship and had an inter-species relationship on the show. That's hard core. They even talked about having frog/pig babies.

Bad Dog

Someone doesn't like being left alone at night. My evidence? All the pillows tossed off the couch, the couch itself totally slimed, half the dining room table being swept off, broken glass and pieces of candy on the floor, blood drops in the kitchen, and the golden ticket? A pile of poop on the basement floor. Luckily I had no electricity or heat so it was essentially half frozen. No wonder someone was hanging their head in shame this morning. Somebody has a few weeks to shape up or they're buying themselves nights in a crate.

The Bernie Chronicles

Bernie did arrive last night. Yeah! He's huge, but it's pretty easy to adjust to. In less in 24 hours we've learned that he likes to follow me around the house; when I'm working out he thinks I'm playing and brings over his toys and gets in the way; that he doesn't mind being accidentally stepped on (sorry, dude); and he likes to walk through my legs and just stand there. He did okay overnight. He's a loud roommate. Hopefully he'll settle down, but he kept waking up and circling in his bed. And I woke up every time. At points he'd be half on the bed, half sprawled on the floor. He sighs heavily and loudly. And because he's so big, when he moves around I think a human someone is in the house. He walks really well on his leash and responds okay to commands. I haven't patched the gap in my fence yet and he did escape last night. I go in the backyard and I see a giant shadow on the wrong side of the fence. Good times. Well, that's our initial Bernie update. I'm off all weekend if anyone wants to come by and meet him. Holla!!

Question

Am I the only person that thinks "Avatar" looks like the worst movie ever?

Oookay

I just got a spam e-mail inviting me to join FuckBook. I find that to be highly inappropriate.

Kinda Funny

I make myself laugh. On the main Yahoo! page there was a link to a story about a kid who got attacked by a deer. What was funny was my response (though let's be honest, animals attacking humans is good stuff. When Animals Attack was an amazingly hilarious show). I didn't think, "Oh, poor kid." I thought "He was probably somewhere he had no business being." That, my friends, was a Vicki response if I ever heard one. And worthy of a chuckle.

Bernie. What Else Do I Have Going On?

This is going to be one spoiled ass dog. He got some good stuff this weekend. Though boo to Brandy for not letting me buy him a rhinestone collar. Apparently that's too girly. Also, for those who want to know, December 7th should be the day he comes to his new abode.

Old People Are Hilarious

This old lady had a huge grocery cart for a can of whipped cream, a container of dip, and a packet of gravy mix. Granted, if she's anything like my G'ma, she was using the cart as a substitute for a walker. But still, I just about died when I saw her three items on the belt.

Ouchies

I was kinda walking around half-naked today and totally rammed my boob into the door. Not okay.

Mystere

Ballerfest was this past weekend (and it rocked, of course) and I had the great idea that we should go see Mystere, one of the Cirque de Soleil shows at Treasure Island. Let me tell you, this was hands down one of the worst ideas I've every had. If I had paid full price for that ticket, I would've burned TI down. I wanted to shoot myself repeatedly in the face. It was completely awful. The costumes were creepy, the whole show didn't make any sense at all, there was a grown ass man in a big ass baby costume, and if the clown had come near me he would have gotten shanked. I spent the show alternately sleeping, checking my e-mail, researching Mystere on the interweb to see how long it lasted, and bitching loudly. My fondest wish would've been fulfilled if I had gotten kicked out of the theater. The worst moment probably came when the lame ass clown was performing (and people kept laughing despite the fact that he was incredibly wack) and interacting with the audience, and I realized that I was being denied an intermission. I'd been waiting for the chance to leave the theater for five minutes. DENIED!! I died a little on the inside. The show only had two positive points: The music was awesome to sleep to and the acrobatics were kickass. In conclusion, I beg you all to save your money and never see a Cirque de Soleil show. It makes me angry just thinking about it.

Bernie's Visit

Bernie is adorable! And immense. His head is about level with the kitchen counter, it's as big as a bowling bowl, and Beasley, Brandy's beagle, can walk through his legs. He and Beasley had a little tiff, which sadly ended in Beasley getting on a chair, telling Bernie about himself, and Bernie backing down. Beasley didn't appreciate a monster trying to chase and play. Only I could find a 150lb wimpy dog. He only showed his vision issues once by running into the fence. But in his defense the garage light was shining behind it, with a glare probably making it less visible. Bonus, he didn't fall down the stairs to the basement. He's definitely a drooler, no shock there, but nothing I couldn't deal with. I'll just need strategically placed towels throughout the house. He seems to be a cuddler and would put his butt in my lap. Overall he's very well behaved. And luckily, I don't have too many easily accessed breakables, since his tail did knock one of the speakers off the television stand. Odds are pretty good that I'll get him, as the other people really interested in him had cats, which he tried to eat. And his foster parents didn't seem to have any concerns about me or the house. I think it's just a matter of filing paperwork and him getting corrective surgery to his eyelids before he can be officially adopted. I'm so excited!!! Hopefully everything goes smoothly.

Danimals Loves Me!

Yes, I am referring to the yogurt that supposed to be for kids. They make crush cups!! You just crush the cup to squeeze up the yogurt and slurp it out. And we all know that I don"t like to use spoons for things like yogurt, pudding, or applesauce. You could say that GoGurt has already provided me with the opportunity to go spoon-less. But it's not the same. There isn't that same challenge of trying to get your tongue to the bottom corners of the cup. And we know I love a challenge, the stupider the better.

Congrats!

Even though I had to hear about it through the grapevine and he won't read this because he's a loser that doesn't believe in blogs, congrats to my baby bro for making the Badger basketball team!!! I guess I'll have to scare up some school spirit and hit up a game or two. Though let's be honest, he probably won't play this season anyways (Burn!).

Any Takers?

I need someone to pretend to be engaged to me so we can go taste test wedding cake. Who's in? Male or female, doesn't matter. I figure we may have to do some preliminary planning to set up a good background story. Or we can tell the baker it's none of his damn business, gimme the cake Ummmm, so many kinds of frosting and filling.

Question For "Glee" Fans

They live in Ohio. And even in television land, it's fall. So why does no one ever wear a coat (slight exaggeration)? And why is it always sunny out? And why are all the girls walking around in skirts that almost show their butt cheeks (Rachel had on a super mini last week)? I think this same thought every week. And because I'm a loser, I Google mapped Lima, Ohio. It's not like it's so far in southern Ohio that it might stay warm longer. Get it right, FOX!! This bugs me.

Home Visit

I have a home visit scheduled for Monday, peeps! I'm a bit nervous. What if Bernie walks into my house and hates me on site? And how salty would I be if his foster mom says "Yeah, we think going back to the rescue would be better than Bernie living with you." Ouchies!! They're both gonna hate me, I just know it. And I'll be in the 'burbs by myself forever. Crying myself a river.

Stripper Poll

What song would you say a female stripper dances to the most during the course of her career? My top three choices are "Cherry Pie," "Pour Some Sugar on Me," and "Talk Dirty to Me," in that order. (FYI, I cracked up at the title's pun. I'm such a loser).

I'm Officially British

Apparently I thought it was okay, once I got off the main road, mind you, to drive on the left side of the street. So I'm British. Or stupid and have a death wish.

Happy Birthday!!

Not you, Megan. I kinda forgot about it, but as of October 19, my blog was 1-year-old. Yeah!!! Who would've thought I'd actually stick with something for a whole year!! Though we all know I love to run my mouth. Anyways, happy 1 year and 4 days birthday, World's Awesomest Nonsense. The next year shall be just as awesome. And just as nonsensical (that's such a good word).

Cross Your Fingers

This is Bernie. I want him to be my new best friend. I just finished my adoption application, so everyone keep your fingers crossed. Isn't he totally cute? I'm think the three biggest factors against me are my stupid work hours; the fact that I've never owned a pet and am trying to jump straight into owning a monster; and the fact that I don't drive the biggest car. But he seems so perfect! He's crate-trained, he's good with kids and other animals, he's friendly (I mean, look at that doggie grin!), and he has depth perception problems. He sounds like the dog version of me (except I'm kinda mean, hate many different types of animals, and don't spend much time in a crate). It's also been brought to my attention that I may have unrealistic expectations when it comes to pet ownership. Everyone keeps bringing up the large quantities of poop, the fact that dogs aren't going to do exactly what you want all the time (I kinda like being obeyed), and the fact that he's huge. And I understand these concerns, as it would make me sad to get my gentle giant dog, only to find that I have no clue what to do with him. But I'm reading my dog books, and you gotta start somewhere, right? And why start small when you can start big?

Wow

Apparently, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I made a list of possible blog postings in my Blackberry (geek alert), and one of them was titled "Pepper spray a grizzly." I guess I'm not the only one in the family who thinks they can take on a bear. I don't even remember writing this down or what could have prompted it. Genetics, maybe?

Four Point Plan

So my parents drove to New York this past weekend to help my sister move in. As they were leaving the city and driving through Pennsylvania, my father was surprised by how much of the state is wooded. Apparently the next though after this one was, what if he met up with a bear? And the next thought was that he could totally take a bear if he had a good plan. Daddy would later confess that he may have been a little delusional from the 5-Hour Energy he had just drunk when he came up with this plan. It's a four point plan. The bear will rise up one his hind legs with it's paws raised and Daddy would quickly stab in it in one paw, swiftly followed by the other (parts 1 and 2). While the bear is distracted and in pain, he would dart in and slit it's throat, followed by stabbing it in the heart ( parts 3 and 4). Needless to say, when I heard this plan, I just about peed my pants and I laughed until my stomach hurt. My family and I were then saddened to realize that Daddy was one day going to die after getting eaten by a bear.

Harassment

I was doing yard work, minding my own business and this stupid bird keeping harassing me. I'm mowing the lawn, he's fluttering around. I'm raking leaves , he keeps getting in my business. I'm sweeping the driveway, and it follows me the entire damn time! I went after it with the lawn mower, I swept it away with the push broom, but the the little bastard kept after me. Anyone that could have heard me would have though I was crazy, as I'm yelling at this thing to get the hell away from me. I thought it was going to try to follow me into the house or try and hide out in the garage so it could jump out at me later. God, I hate birds.

Fat Kid In Gym Class

I was watching "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" the other day. Which does not bring back the best memories. It made me think of all the activities in gym glass that completely sucked as a fat kid. Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

• Obviously, dodgeball/prisoners in paradise. You can't move fast enough to avoid the ball and you're already a bigger target. And those balls hurt like hell.
• Ropes. Those bastard ropes that hung from the ceiling. I couldn't climb them worth a damn. And I remember in one particular class, our pervert teacher expected us to grab two ropes and flip and hang ourselves upside down. Are you fuckin' serious? I always hated the people that could shimmy up like monkeys. I was passable at the climbing bars, though.
• Eraser runs. Actually, I should really just say anything involving running. The 100 yard dash, the mile. God, the fuckin' mile. I think I clocked about a 40-minute mile in those days.
• Fitness testing. I hated the time of year when it was time to do fitness testing. Hello, look at me. Clearly not fit. Sit-ups and push-ups per minute? The aforementioned running? Ugh.
• Swimming. Especially for someone who can't swim worth a damn. Why yes, I'd love to wear a swimsuit in front of all my peers. Self-consciousness isn't a problem in high school at all.
• Pull-ups. God, shoot me. And there were these other bars. They were like two parallel ladders, mounted on the wall a few feet up and connected by a bar at the top. You had to climb up one side, just using your hands, mind you, swing across the top and then back down the other side. It's pretty safe to say that I never accomplished this feat.

While I don't care for pretty much any sport, these were by far the worst memories spanning from elementary school on. One more thing that's contributed to the Erica-is-cuckoo-bananas pie. And to avoid be a totally downer, I will say that I rocked at badminton, floor hockey, jump rope, and bowling.

New Wish

I wish I could get a Muppet version of myself made. That would be totally and completely kickass. Of course, I'd need my a show starring Muppet me. Best show ever.

Yeah!

Once upon a time there was a man named Usher. And I hated him for years and years. Then, one day, he came out with a song named "Yeah!" And my life was changed. I will never in a million years get tired of this song. It is amazing. Thank you Usher, featuring Lil' John and Ludacris.

Brand New Information

You can totally get machetes at Home Depot for 12 bucks. I totally vote that I own one. Who's with me?

Huh

I found a female condom in my driveway today.

Airports

I'd enjoy traveling more if airports had comfy couches. Or sleep rooms. Maybe there are airports with these things and I'm just flying to the wrong places. But I'd be a lot more willing to travel all day and take indirect flights if I knew there was a good place to crash out. Stretched out between bolted down seats or laying on the floor looking homeless is just not cool.

Check Her Out

There's a new baby torturer in town and her name is Tracy Raver. Apparently she was on The Today Show. I can only assume it's because terrorizing newborns has become the "in" thing again. And just when you though Anne Geddes was off the map. Wag of the finger to you, Tracy Raver. Take a peek: www.tracyraver.com

Nurse Lame

I went to the Badger game this weekend. I know, shocking. I temporarily joined the cult and actually enjoyed myself, though I'll never be a football fan. I get bored too easily. That's where my being a loser comes in. Whenever there was an interception, I'd say intussusception instead. I know, it makes absolutely no sense. So it's not even a good nursing joke. But I amused myself.

Forks

I don't care for forks. I understand they serve a purpose, but I'd rather just eat everything with a spoon.

Questions

Do you think neurosurgeons use the phrase, "Well, it's not brain surgery?" Said with a snotty, condescending voice, of course.

Rumor Has It

So, rumor has it that my last blog posts was a little upsetting. And by rumor, I meant that people have blatantly told me that this was the case. And now everyone is scared to talk to me, because they think that secretly I want to eat their faces. Just as an FYI, I haven't encountered any ugly babies recently, I mostly just get bored with the frequent baby talk. Some people are just douches. And my fake-interest face is pretty obvious if I don't want to talk to you. This is mostly shown to strangers. If I don't want to talk to my friends, I'm blatantly grumpy and crabby. I don't know if this was at all comforting.

My Wish

I wish I could be meaner and/or less polite. And I'm sure many of you are saying, "Wow, is this possible?" Oh, it is. My filter is pretty low, but there are a lot of things I keep to myself. And really, it's mostly little things I wish I could be bluntly honest about. And what's funny is that my feelings get hurt over dumb little things and I totally obsess about little things people say to me. Apparently I'm a hypocrite and feel like it's okay to do this to other people. Examples. I wish I could tell someone their haircut is ugly. Or that their kid is ugly, for that matter. Tell someone that her eyebrows are totally over-tweezed. Tell someone they should've thought twice about leaving the house with that outfit on. Tell someone upon first meeting them that they look like a douche or a bitch. Tell people I don't care when they're telling me stories I don't care about. Just walk away when someone is telling me a story I've heard a hundred times, instead of listening politely. Screw your feelings. And obviously, I'm totally willing to mutter some of these things under my breath to a nearly friend. But I want to say it to peoples' faces. Apparently, I'm actively trying to get beat up in the middle of the street. No, I'll continue to wear my polite face, face smile face. And I think it's time I go see someone about my anger issues.

Several

It severely bugs me when people use this word to refer to any amount less than six. I'll be reading a book that uses 'several' to describe 3-4 of something. I always get confused for a moment 'cause I would swear that the book described that event or something as happening only 3 weeks or months ago. No! Clearly, 'few' is the only appropriate word in this situation. Also, 'few' and 'couple' are not interchangeable. Grrr...let's shape up people!!!

World's Stupidest Argument

This morning Connie and Fish were discussing whether or not women should put the toilet seat up, considering they want men to put the toilet seat down after using the facilities. The part of this argument that is stupid is when women complain that if men don't put the toilet seat down, they fall in. Who the fuck doesn't look at the toilet first to make sure the seat is down? You're literally walking right at it, how can you miss this key fact? And I don't care if you say it's the middle of the night and you don't turn the light on. Stop being so fucking stupid. Any woman who has lived with men or boys in the house knows the toilet seat is going to be up. That should automatically be the first thing you check for, the second being to see if there is any toilet paper left on the roll (I'm a strong believer in stranding people on the toilet if they haven't looked for TP first). And technically, the better argument is "I don't want to have to touch that nasty, germ-ridden seat" not "I'm gonna fall in." Ultimately everyone knows the best choice is to have everyone close the seat and the lid after they're done, which makes it fair for all around. And hello, poop particles don't float in the air near your toothbrush if the lid is closed before you flush. Though I completely avoid this by having my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. And Connie said if the lid was closed, she'd sit down and start going without realizing it. Pardon my language, but are you fucking retarded? Whatever. In conclusion, Women, stop being dumb shits. If you fall in the toilet it's no one's fault but yours.

Crack-Laced Sour Cream

The sour cream at Taco Bell is insanely delicious. I don't know what makes it different from other sour cream, but my guess is that it's laced with crack. As I also love their doughy taco shells, I think from now on I'll just order taco shells and sour cream to dip them in. That's a lie. I love too many other things at Taco Bell to limit myself like that. I'll just ask for a bucket of sour cream on the side of every order. I'm pretty sure that's good for my heart.

Human Experiments

I've officially decided that I need to have children because of the potential experiments I can perform on them. I'm for sure going to try 'Your Baby Can Read!' I'm debating whether to try infant potty training vs potty train in a day. I guess I'll need to have at least two kids in order to compare different methods on them . I'm sure there are some other cool things I could try that won't scar them for life. There are probably many more cool things that would.

Product Evaluation: Mr. Sticky

Mr. Sticky is amazing. It's this endlessly reusable lint roller. I supposedly will never have to buy another lint roller in my life. And as I'm a person that carries a mini lint roller around in my purse, this is exciting news. It's made of some funky silicone that always stays sticky. And you just rinse off all the crap you pick up in hot water and wait for it to dry and become sticky again. Holla!! So my cousin and I split the purchase, which comes with a mini roller (thought the sales lady gave us two), an average-sized roller, like you'd normally buy, and a big ass one on a long pole so you can de-lint blinds and curtains and floors and stuff. So I'm the proud owner a mini one and the larger one. And I love it!! Though it may exacerbate my OCD. I've rolled it over the carpet three times tonight. Seriously, it's disgusting how much stuff is left on the carpet after vacuuming. Though granted, I just bought a new vacuum after living in my house for three weeks. Whatevs. It's the best thing ever. So in conclusion, you should all be jealous of me.

State Fair

They were out of root beer milk. Literally the only reason I go to the fair every year. I had to console myself with strawberry and chocolate. Lame!! I also consoled myself by going to the product pavilion. Yeah, should've stayed out of there. I ended up buying the Smooth Away pads for body hair removal. Can't do a product review yet, as I recently shaved. I also bought an awesome product called Mr. Sticky, which will be promptly reviewed after this post. God, I love As Seen on TV products. And to jump back to the beginning of this rant, I'm thinking of adding root beer extract to milk and seeing what I come up with. I'll keep y'all updated.

I'm A Horrible Person

I hope that insects' lives flash before their eyes before I squash them into oblivion. I don't know what that says about me.

Quirks

Here are more weird things you didn't know about me. Well, Bob probably knows a few of them.

• I have to stir solid dairy products before I eat them. Yogurt, cottage cheese, sour cream. Even milk I have to shake up before I pour it. Dipping a spoon into an unbroken surface of yogurt and eating it just bothers me.
• I drive with my hand on the gear shift. Even though I drive a car with an automatic transmission.
• I take different routes when I drive places, just in case someone is stalking me. I can't make an attack too easy for them.
• I despise being considered average in anything. Which sucks, as I'm of average height, looks, and intelligence, among other things. I'm pretty sure that I was born weird but I've also worked at it enough that I'm now an official freak show with much effort.
• I obsessively balance my checkbook.
• I've learned that the toilet in my house has a lid that catches itself and won't slam shut. So now, every time I go to the bathroom, I try to slam the toilet seat as hard as I can. So far, unsuccessful in my efforts.
• I could probably have an entire conversation in movie quotes, tv quotes, and song lyrics.

Product Evaluation: ShamWow

While I haven't done any true tests, like spilling red wine on a white carpet and cleaning it up (I'm ashamed that I haven't done this, actually), I've tried to used the ShamWow for basic household tasks. And I think I must say I'm not super impressed. They're okay. The small ones kinda suck, cause they tear easily and I wish they were thicker. Whereas the large ones are nice and thick but a bit unwieldy. I really only end up using them for basic spills and drying dishes. I'll do some further experiments and see how things go. That is, if I don't keep ruining them by forgetting they can't go in the dryer. No matter what, they were still an awesome b-day gift, Joans!! Uou know I love "As Seen On TV products." Overall, I give them a "fair."

Who Wants To Buy This For Me?

I need a snoogle. Any last minute house-warming gifts, anyone? http://leachco.stores.yahoo.net/snoogle.html This looks like the most comfortable thing I've ever seen in my life. I'd never leave my bed.

Michael Jackson

Can't we just let the man be dead? He was already cocoa for coo coo poops in life. Let the man have some peace. And I'm also just sick of seeing his name on Yahoo! news everyday.

I Hate When People Say..

I really hate when someone asks me what I do for a living and they respond with some comment like "Oh, I don't know how you can do that job," or "I could never do that," or "I'd cry everyday if I did that job" (someone has actually said this to me) or some variation on that theme. And the thing is, I'm sure I've said this to people about their jobs before. And their hobbies, for that matter. Well, not the crying part because I'm a robot. It's just a way to make chitchat. But it bothers me for a couple reasons. One, depending on how it's phrased, even if someone doesn't mean it this way, you're basically implying that I must be cold-hearted bitch if I can watch kids suffer everyday. And logically I know they're actually trying to be complimentary but it just rubs me wrong. It's especially irritating if you first ask me if I like my job, and after I say yes, you follow it up with a "how do you do it?" I do it because it's my fuckin' job. Just like everyone else gets up and does their job everyday. Do I ask the garbage man if he likes picking up people's shit everyday? No. Do I tell my doctor that I think it's gross that she looks at bajingos all day? No. I totally know this is a case of me being oversensitive and paranoid, but hey, those are my bread and butter.

Seriously

If I have to paint one more wall, I'm sticking a a fork through my eye.

An Interesting Theory

My sister's friend has a theory about rape weather. Oh yes, that's correct. In this theory, he states that it's okay to let a female friend walk home alone in the winter, because no man is going to whip it out when it's below zero. Hence, winter is not rape weather. Conversely, of course, the other seasons are rape weather and at those times a woman shouldn't be out late unescorted. I didn't even know what to say when I first heard this. I was pretty flabbergasted. And somewhat appalled.

What Would You Do?

Here's the scenario. You're in a public bathroom. The line is really long and you really have to pee. There is a woman behind you that for whatever reason, can only use the handicap stall. Whatever she has going on, the other stalls are not an option. So it's finally your turn to go. And the handicap stall is the one that opens up. Now, what do you do? Do you let the handicap (is this the current PC term?) woman go ahead of you? The handicap stall is her only option. Whereas you have the choice of any stall. But you really have to go. Do you give her a guilty look and go anyways? Do you wait for the next stall to open up? Ultimately this isn't really a big deal, because another stall will open any second and if you've waited that long, what's another couple of minutes? But I'm just curious. I think I'd claim to tell the woman to hell with her, I gotta go. But I know myself and I'd feel bad about it the rest of the day.

Going Too Far

Bob implied that I'd want this product, mostly because I love just about any "As Seen On TV" product. But this is just ridonkulous. I'm a germaphobe, but seriously? A wipe your ass device? And the commercial would have been funnier than it already was if someone had done a demonstration. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM&feature=player_embedded

It's A Tie

Everyone that worked with me tonight knows that I listened to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey (obviously) three times on my 7 minute ride to work. Which made me realize that, seriously, that song never, ever gets old. EVER!! I could listen to it ten times a day. So therefore I have to say it's now tied with "Gloria" by Laura Braningan for being my favorite 'get pumped up' song. I hate to knock "Gloria" completely out of first, cuz it is my jam. But it has some stiff competition.

Apparently The World's Most Ridiculous Question

My sister told me I'd reached a new low of ridiculousness when I asked her this question. Sofia, you'll mock me over this one. All I asked was do Muslims have a really good sense of direction? Or do they carry compasses? If you face Mecca to pray, don't you need to have a good sense of direction to know the right way to face? Am I being inaccurate? Is this no longer the case? BTW, this question came up because my patient's dad was praying in the corner, and I was curious as to how he knew to pick that corner. I understand that if you're outside, you can determine direction by the position of the sun. But twisting and turning through a building, I think one could easily get mixed up. And I rarely ever know what direction I'm going, no matter where I am. I think this was a perfectly logical, sincerely asked question, though it does appear that I'm trying to create a blanket stereotypes for a group of people. Janell told me the question wasn't racist, just stupid.

Was It Inappropriate...?

Starting a new series, asking whether or not things I've done were appropriate. Exciting! So, was it inappropriate that I asked the attractive resident to move away from me, otherwise I was going to start sniffing him? In my defense, he smelled really good. I'm gonna say unprofessional, yes, inappropriate, no.

OMG!!!

Oh my God, buying a house today. Am I crazy?!?!

I Don't Approve

What do you know, more things I don't approve of. Still haven't fixed that whole being negative thing. Anyways, I do not approve of man pajamas. Pardon me, but they look gay. I'm specifically referring to two piece matched pajamas sets in any material other than cotton or flannel. Satin and silk being exceptionally gay. Though the cotton and flannel ones are pretty lame too. And only to be used when it's really cold out. I feel that the only acceptable pajamas for a man are pajamas bottoms/boxers/briefs with a wife beater or t-shirt/undershirt. None at all is also okay. Leave the silkies in the store. You're not Hef.

Let's Brainstorm

I need to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. Let's think of what we can do to make this happen.

I'm Dying

It was nice knowing y'all. With my last words I want to say that Lisa poisoned me.

What Happened?

Seriously, what has happened to the trilogy? Why are authors making series that have four books instead of three? Here I am, reading Brisingr, when I find out there will be a fourth and final book in the Inheritance Trilogy!! Don't call it a trilogy and lie to me!! I was all ready to read the last chapter, despite the fact that I'm only 1/4 of the way into the book, thinking I could get an idea of the conclusion, and it was stolen from me!! If I'd known there was another book, I would've waited to read the series until I could do them all in a row. The same thing happened to me with the Twilight books, curse you Stephanie Meyer (hope some tweens don't kill me). And damn you Christopher Paolini (not really, I'm secretly glad I have another book to look forward to)!!! In other unrelated news, there has been report of a Level 2 Geek Alert.

The Many Uses Of "Shit"

Do you ever think of sayings people use that make little sense? And how so many of them use the word "shit"? Let's discuss.

• "Shit eating grin" -why would you be grinning if you're eating shit? That's really gross.
• "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"-anyone seen Old School *correction Happy Gilmore*? Again, who eats shit? And for breakfast? Way to ruin the best meal of the day.
• How about "going apeshit"? Umm. I don't think ape shit performs any kind of function that a one can mimic or imitate.
• "Built like a brick shit house"-this phrase it mostly just outdated. Though it's actually one of my favorites. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is built like a brick shit house. And I want to bite him.
• "Tough shit" or "you're full of shit"- can be a problem. I'm a nurse, I should know. But I don't believe we use these phrases literally.
• "Shitshow"- I think of it as kinda like a clusterfuck, but involving alcohol. Another favorite of mine.
• "My 'fill-in-the-blank' took a shit"- I blame this phrase entirely on Joanie. Along with the exclamation of "I just about shit my pants!"

Yeah, I think that's enough for now. And looking at this list, it's not that they all don't make sense so much as I just like to take things literally. I found there is a book about the uses of the word shit. Maybe I should own it.

What's Our Opinion?

Can I pull these off, kickin' it old school?

• http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=19850&vid=1&pid=662114&scid=662114002

I'm gonna say yes.

Seriously

Why do kids eat Cheerios? Not that they aren't tasty but Kix are like 1000x better. So what you can 't buy little fancy Kix-shaped bowls. Hello, they're kid tested and mother approved. Smarten up toddlers, Cheerios are for lame-os.

Do You Know What I Love?

Free stuff from iTunes. This sounds familiar. Maybe I've discussed this already. Meh, always worth another go.Anyways, I don't even care what it is. Ever week, faithfully, I download my free song and video. I've also started downloading any free tv shows they offer. Again, I don't care if I never watch the show or listen to that artist ever again. It's free. And I love it. Especially after all the money I've spent on iTunes over the years.

No Thanks

No thank you, spam mail. While I appreciate the offer, I'm going to choose not to enlarge my penis today. But really, tomorrow may be it, so keep sending those e-mails daily. Super.

Grrr

I fuckin' hate driving on Willy St. Everyone is so goddamned slow and in my way. It's for this reason (amongst others, number one being I can't drive) that it's good I drive a Civic and not a Hummer. I just want to mow down everyone in my path. Ah, rage. Good stuff.

A Moment Of Silence

For my cell phone. It officially took a shit. And sadly, at it's memorial service (this blog), I have nothing good to say about it. Peace out, craptastic Motorola Razr.

Oops

I accidentally missed my 100th blog post. My bad. But happy 103rd blog spot!! Which is this one. Which isn't much of a post. Crappy celebration.

Why I'm A Horrible Person

I just saw Noah Wyle on a commercial for WWF, encouraging us to help save the polar bears from extinction. And I could only laugh. Not that I don't feel bad for polar bears. Kinda sucks that their homes are essentially melting away. And they're supposedly eating each other for food. But watching Noah Wyle with his serious face on was just amusing to me. He probably doesn't even care. He probably just thought, "Oh, I'll help the peons for a minute and pretend to like animals, then go off and spend my millions on things that use up a bunch of energy." For shame.

Yeah!

The home inspection went very well. I kinda got a cream puff house. Aside from a few OCD, I'm neurotic things that bother me, the inspector didn't have much to say. Though he did say I'm an inspector-in-training, as I was a big fan of opening and closing things, and turning them on and off. Get ready for a painting party ladies!!! Sometime in July. Though I'll warn you now, I don't have central air. So painting in July should be interesting. I'll keep smelling salts around in case any of you pass out. I'm so excited!! And I just can't hide it! Yeah!

So

My diet has been painfully non-existent post-Hawaii. But June 1st changes all that (supposedly). I feel like a blimp. And when I wear scrub pants, I look and feel like an encased sausage. And my boobs are ridiculous. This will not do. As part of my new efforts, I am completely banning myself from sweets. And I know you shouldn't ignore cravings, because they can become worse and make you eat other crap, only, many calories later, to eat what you wanted in the first place anyways. But you know what, I'll fulfill those craving 50 pounds from now. I hear that the first three days are the worst. Ignore me if I have the shakes. Also, if you offer me sweets, and I attempt to eat your face, you'll know why. It'd be a more pleasant experience for me if you sprinkle some sugar on it first.

Commercials

Do you ever sit and think about the people that come up with commercials? I picture a bunch of marketing people in power suits hanging around a big oval table (think Mad Men), just shooting ideas back and forth until someone has a 'Eureka' moment (which used to be my uncle's nickname for me, btw). And what I think about is, who actually thought some of these things were good ideas? Like, "Yeah, let's create this really creepy animated Chester Cheetah to sell Cheetos! We'll make millions!" Or you'll just make me really uncomfortable whenever I see him. But clearly I remember the commercials well enough to complain about them, so I guess they've done part of their job. And the creepy commercials haven't made Cheetos less delicious.

Peas

Happy Birthday, Rachel!!!! And for those that don't know, the title is in reference to Rachel being peas to my carrots. Anyways, have a kickass day!!!!

Opinion

So my new obsession, obviously, is what things I can buy for my house. I, also obviously, want everything. I'm trying to make a ranking lists of needs versus wants. Currently , I'm obsessing over what kind of kickass chandelier to hang in the dining room. I love chandeliers and I need a perfect one. My dining room is small, so it can't be too overwhelming. I'm eyeing this one. http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Fabric-Shade-3-light-Crystal-Chandelier/3672050/product.html What are our thoughts? It seems a little large. And I'm not sure if I want the fabric shade when I could get another one that's just crystals. On the other hand, the shade makes it a little more casual. I'm not trying to decorate a brothel, after all.

Well Kiss My Grits

I passed my CPON exam. Which is probably a good thing and a bad thing. Good, cuz I paid all that money to take it and it shows I'm halfway competent at my job. Bad because this will continue to enforce my belief that I can coast by in life, considering I went into the exam without cracking a book. The day I get my comeuppance will not be pretty.

Comments and Customer Reviews

I absolutely love them. They are probably the number one thing that keeps me at my computer for an extended length of time. People are just so excitable over the smallest things. iTunes reviews are the best. Folks get passionate about their music. But I read reviews about clothes, shoes (oh, I love shoe reviews), youtube videos, celebrity gossip pages, articles, everything. And what's funny is that I'm last person who should read them. I am so easily influenced.

YEAH!!!!

It's my birthday, it's my birthday!!! I'm buying everyone....Ugg boots!! I don't know why I get all excited over my birthday. I talk it up for weeks and weeks, then I never do anything. Let's see...I took a walk. Rode the bus. I went to the farmer's market. And I may attempt to study for my CPON exam (though why I think I'll be successful today when I haven't been all week, I don't know). Maybe I'll go to the movies. I might go to Sephora and get my free lip gloss. I should get official acceptance on my house today, so I guess I bought myself a home for my birthday. But, the day is still young! Anyways, everyone else needs to reflect on how much I mean to them and what an integral part of your lives I am. Deuces peeps and pimps!!

Geez O' Peets

I forgot how necessary I was to everyone's existence. Maybe I haven't posted cuz I have no life (though that never stopped me before). Well, here are some Erica life updates.

• My birthday is TOMORROW!!!! 27 baby!! And still act like a 7 -year-old.
• Though I shouldn't jinx myself, for all intents and purposes, I've almost bought a house. Just the financial stuff to get through, and I should close on June 30th. Yah!! Things to paint, stuff to buy!!
• I'm part bird. Not because I have hollow bone syndrome. But because I have trouble distinguishing between open air and really clean glass. Multiple times now, I've either avoided what I thought was glass or hit what actually was glass. Wow.
• My new favorite live journal is called FATShionista, and it's totally just entries from fat girls everywhere that love clothes and fashion. I feel like I've found home. Especially cuz every Friday people post 'clean you closet out' sales.
• I'm awesome. And gorgeous. And a breath of fresh air.
• This is my 93rd post! Will have to do something kickass for number 100!!

Those are my current updates. Hope you vultures are satisfied.

Boo

I put an offer in on the most perfect house ever, only to have some douche bag couple offer more and steal from me. Bastards. That was my house!!! I hope they both lose their jobs and can't afford to buy it. Well, that wasn't nice. But I'm goddamned sick of looking at houses.

Question

Do strippers really like clear plastic heels? Or is this just the stripper stereotype? And what's the appeal? If you're a good stripper and actually making some kickass dough, wouldn't you invest in footwear that's a bit classier? Or is that the problem, and there aren't a lot of classy strippers? They're all just trying to pay for college, after all. Anyways, at least get some cool non-plastic platforms or some peep toe pumps. And in case anyone pretends to be offended, I really have no problem with strippers. Everybody's got to make their money.

This Is Weird

So I've noticed that whenever I have to go the bathroom, as soon as I walk in the door, I take my glasses off. And I don't just do it at home, I do it at work too. I don't do it in public bathrooms though, for obvious reasons. Isn't that weird? Like, what correlation is there between sitting on the toilet, and not wanting to see? I guess it's just another Erica mystery we'll never solve.

Suspicious

I was out shopping today. And the sales people were oddly nice and talkative. It kinda made me uncomfortable. Why are you being so friendly? One guy actually told me that he liked my dress and it was so appropriate for the nice spring weather. And he liked how my sunglasses matched. Really? You're seriously saying this to me? And I'm pretty sure he was straight. Then the guys in Jamba Juice were all chatty. Let's bring it down a notch, shall we? Though to be honest, the chick in Little Luxuries was kind of a bitch. But they always are. I just can't be satisfied.

Why I Love Einstein Bagels

For many reasons. I love it even more than Panera. While everything is delicious, one new item makes me want to go there everyday: Bagel Poppers. Visualize, instead of a donut hole, a bagel hole. That sounds a little inappropriate. Anyways, they come in brown sugar & cinnamon, sweet cream cheese, and blueberry. I've tried the first two and I want to slap myself, they're so good. Snaps to Einstein's. Oh, and how's my diet going, you ask? Yeah, let's not talk about it.

The Ultimate In Selfishness

First, I should apologize. I've been a moody, sour puss bitchface for about a week. And sorry to tell you, I don't see it letting up anytime soon. I've been mostly upbeat and pleasant for 27 years. I think I'm due. Can't tell you when it will get better. If you don't like it, I probably wouldn't talk to me for the next few weeks. Anyway, that's not what makes me selfish. That's due to the fact that I've officially decided I don't want to talk to happy people anymore about there happy little lives. So if you have good news and life is all sunshine and moonbeams and rainbows, I don't care. And you can shove them where the sun don't shine. You're entitled to your happiness, just talk to other people about it. Personally, I'm only going to be spewing bitterness, sarcasm and cynicism. Good thing I don't feel there are that many people that care about my opinion. Otherwise there would be the potential for a lot of hurt feelings. Enjoy.

Mascara

I'm obsessed. I can't stop buying it, hoping that this one will be perfect. Something will make my short, stubby, obscenely curly eyelashes look long and amazing. So, I am the current owner of 7 different kinds of mascara. Who needs that much mascara? I'll think I'm done, but then I'll see another commercial and I'm convinced this one will give me Snuffleupagus-like eyelashes. But something is always wrong. The brush is too soft or too stiff. The mascara is too thick and dry or too wet. Why do I think about this so much? Do I really want to emphasize my ginormous eyes? Anyway, in case your wondering, the current fav is Bare Escentuals Buxom Lash ($18). Totally kicks ass. Though that didn't stop me from buying new mascara yesterday.

Question

What does Seal do? Aside from being married to Heidi Klum and making unattractive babies? When did he last put out an album? I personally haven't a heard a song from him since 'Kissed by a Rose' a billion years ago. But according to Wikipedia, he's totally still putting out albums. And he had a song nominated for a Grammy in 2007. Seriously? When is this happening? Am I the only one completely out of the loop (as usual)?

Pathetic

I've reached a new low. I actually went to Dejope and played $25 worth of slots in order to try and win money to buy a house. Is that not the saddest thing you've ever heard (relatively speaking)? And, despite my sending positive thoughts into the universe, I was completely unsuccessful. On top of that, their slots totally suck. They're these weird bingo slots that I didn't understand in any way. Where's the Wheel? Next in line is to buy lotto tickets. Victory, and a kickass new home, will be mine!!!! But not today. As usual, I consoled myself and ate my feelings with an orange coconut scone from Lazy Jane's. Ah, disappointment was never so delicious.

What I Aspire To

http://xkcd.com/72/

Life Sucks Balls

That's it.

You Know You're A Touch Odd...

...when you catch yourself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, in your underwear, applying make-up, while singing and doing the Time Warp Dance.

Revisiting Our Goals for 2009

So peeps, I ain't doing so hot with my goals. We're already more than a third into the year. I went back and took a look at them. Let's see what can still be done.

1. '90 in '09'. I've lost 10 in '09. Not acceptable. But not giving up. I could totally still get at least 50 off. Sending positive thoughts into the universe.
2. Learn how to play my guitar. Haven't worked on this at all. And if I do work on it, I can only teach myself from a book, as getting guitar lessons goes against resolution number 4. Unless I can barter sexual favors.
3. Take impromptu trips. Yeah, that also violates number 4. I'll probably be keeping my poor ass at home. Except for Ballerfest '09, of course.
4. Get out of debt and save money. I'm definitely in less debt but there is some lingering. And no, I didn't buy that beautiful purple bag. But shoutout to Rebekah for encouraging me to do so. Everyone else was a hater.
5. Buy a home. Despite all haters, this will happen. I refuse to rent again. And I'm officially ready to rock. I've actually found a few places that fit my requirements. Let just hope they're still available this summer. And the bank hooks me up. And it's officially a house. Screw buying a condo. I can find a condo I'll tolerate but I can find a house I'll love. And I'm not gonna deny buying myself beautiful things now to buy a place I'll only like.
6. Buying a dog is definitely still a go. Though it will probably be a rescue dog. Whether he'll answer to Sweetums is something I can't know. Rupert, his doggie friend, probably wouldn't come for another year or two.
7. Lastly, take up a new hobby. Can't promise this will happen. Unless it's an extremely cheap hobby. Or maybe teaching myself the guitar can be it. Though I was hoping for a more active and less sedentary activity. We'll see, I guess.

That's our update. Pretty piss poor, as far as I'm concerned. It's time to man up and grow a pair.

My Theory of Friendships

It's not really a theory so much as how I catalog things in my mind. So, I mentally picture each of my friendships as that person and I being interlocking circles. Easy to figure out. If I get along with someone really well, our circles overlap more. If we're just acquaintances, maybe just our edges overlap. And obviously everyone is subject to change. Say I think I know someone really well and then they start talking crazy; they have to be completely re-cataloged. Those circles just slide back apart. And because I'm a freak, I do have a mental sound of a slide whistle as the circles are being adjusted. I'm pretty sure this started in college. I don't know why.

Random Thought

I want to be a lion in my next life. A male lion, cuz I want to run things, get into fights, have a harem, and shake out my kickass mane. That would be awesome.

Calista and Harrison

Yes, we're totally on a first name basis. Why I bring them up? I'm a big fan of the theory "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." In this case, (well in most cases) it's marriage. Why are you getting married (anyone ever)? Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (Cindy, that is a skeleton!) have been together for 7 years. Clearly you haven't poisoned each others' Wheaties, so the relationship must be doing okay (wow, I have low standards). Any money, you'll be divorced within, hmmm, I'll be generous and give you 5 years. Why am I so bitter and cynical? Meh, just born that way. I'm okay with it.

Sounds That Drive Me Nuts

1. That white noise fuzzy sound the television makes when it's on but the cable is off.
2. The noise windshield wipers make when the windshield isn't wet enough. I' d almost rather drive blind than listen to that.
3. That feeling sound you get when you accidentally chew foil.
4. Knuckles and joints cracking. *Shudder*
5. Your voice.

*Numbers four and five refer to the same person* Hahahaha

Entertainment Review: One Night of Queen

That's right, I went after talking about it for the past six months. And it kinda rocked my face off, I can't lie.

• Positives: The band totally rocked, and so did Gary Mullen, the lead singer. As I'll never actually see Freddie Mercury in concert (damn him for getting the HIV!), this was an okay substitute. I was up and singing and dancing pretty much the whole time, so I rocked it out. It was a fun ass time.

• Not So Positives: The lame crowd. I expected better of you Madisonians (Madisonites?). Let's have a good time!! Get up and party!! I should have sat in the balcony where I saw some people head-banging away. I was stuck in the orchestra, which I usually like, but today was middle-aged and old people land. The couple in front of me barely even smiled or clapped! Dude, just leave. Actually, the woman next to me did leave at intermission. For shame!! I almost wished it had been somewhere with a little sketch, like the Orpheum or the Barrymore, so people would've been more relaxed. It's hard to rock out in the Overture Center. Next, while the band rocked on the instruments, not so great on the back-up vocals. And some songs, like my fav 'Somebody to Love', you kinda need good back-up. But I was willing to overlook that.

• General Comments: If Gary Mullen was doing a for real Freddie Mercury, his pants should have been waaay tighter. And while I don't consider myself the world's biggest Queen fan (I mostly know the greatest hits albums) how about we excited over more than just 'Bohemian Rhapsody,' 'We Will Rock You,' and 'We Are the Champions,' people? Bone up before you show up. And shout outs the the folks that came in their leather jackets [that sounds dirty (and that comment unnecessary)] and Queen t-shirts, ready to party.

Two enthusiastic thumbs up!!

Hawaii Calls!

Peace out bitches!! I'm packed, primped and as hairless I get. I'm ready to rock! If I don't return in a week, please avenge my death. You'll know who to blame.

Twilight

I think I've decided that I can't see the movie. First of all, movie versions of books tend to be lame anyways (which is why I own a t-shirt that says 'Books: Read the Movie'). But mostly because Robert Pattinson has a punch-me face. Every time I see him I want to blacken his eye. Ooh, look at me! I so broody and mysterious and bad ass cuz I never comb my hair and wear all black and I pout my lips a lot. It's a shame I now think he's so lame, as I did cry when Cedric Diggory died. And yes, I'm well aware that a person who shall remain nameless would kill me (or talk me to death) if this information ever reached her.

I Hate Beyonce

Pardon my language, but I fucking hate that bitch. Where is this coming from? On the way home, I heard "If I Was a Boy" on the radio. I'm probably totally late, but I didn't know that somebody else had written it and recorded it before Beyonce did. And the rumor is that BC Jean, the other artist, was pretty much forced into letting Beyonce sing and record the song first. And that Beyonce is trying to act like the song was all hers. You know that bitch did that shit. We all know if Wikipedia says it, it's true. I don't even care what the other version sounds like, I like it better. I can't lie, some of that hobag's songs are catchy as shit. But would be infinitely better if sung by someone else. Well in this case, I had a brief glimpse of that dream coming true. A tear.

Do You Know What's Not Embarrassing At All?

Not knowing your sister's friend, who've you've never met before, is standing behind you while you're wearing just a sports bra and yoga pants and jiggling all around while dancing to Cardioke in your living room. Score.

Fetus Coup

That is a horrible visual image.

For Inquiring Minds

In case you were curious, my Wii fitness age today is 30. Considering I was 64 on Sunday, I think that's kickass. And I had two boxing games. What up! I rock. On the other hand, I'm a giant loser cuz I was awake and playing Wii Sports at 4am.

New Category

There totally needs to be another level of shower. I'm debating between calling it "The Ultimate Level 3" or just "Super Level 3." I think I like ultimate. Anyways, the Ultimate Level 3 shower is a rare phenomenon. It usually occurs before vacations and and for special occasions. I would of course be referring to actually shaving to the thigh instead of stopping that the knee. And any of you naturally hairless or fine-haired people that never have to shave: don't talk to me.

Oops. That's Not A Trash Can.

So we're at Granite City for brunch (which was delicious despite the fact I threw it up) and we're waiting for our table. To curb my hunger, I'm gnawing on a toothpick. After I've demolished it, it's time for the trash. Oh look! Out of the corner of my eye I see a waste receptacle. Hands in mid-tossing motion. And we stop. Oops. That not a trash can. That's a baby. In a car seat. On the floor. Left unattended by some stupid hag. It was decided that I should've thrown the toothpick at the baby anyway, just to show this mom what can happen if your baby is left alone. And that's the story of how a baby almost got his eye taken out by a splinter (j/k, it was covered in a blanket).

I'm Sick Of Being Lied To

I'm lied to every time I buy a box that claims to have an easy open perforated tab on the side. Know what I'm talking about? They're on boxes of candy and dry foods and powder detergent. Just press in here, easy and convenient. That's a lie!! I have yet to successfully open any type of box using this stupid side tab. At least, not without the use of a knife. Am I an idiot? Is there some method of operation that I'm not following? What's the deal? Stop lying to me, every company in America!!

Jimmy Buffet

Apparently he's going to be in concert at Alpine Valley. But here's my question: does he just sing "Margaritaville" over and over for a couple hours?

Yes!! They're Back!!

Holla!! All my unwritten letters have finally been answered! Is the suspense killing you? Okay, it's....JELLO Pudding Pops!! Hands down the best popsicle ever made!! They don't have them in fruit flavors, but they do have them in chocolate, vanilla, and swirl. Everyone rejoice!!! And celebrate President's Day the right way!! And wow, I've used a lot of exclamation points!!!!!

Things I Heart

Happy VD!! Don't enjoy your day too much and catch one!! In honor of VD, let's talk about all the things I heart. I tend to hate things more than I like them, so I doubt this list will be very long. But here goes!!

• Hard-boiled egg sandwiches (which I'm mostly thinking about because I just had one).
• Licorice. I will eat an entire bag until I feel like vomiting. What do you know, I did that yesterday.
• Let's just go ahead and say food. I love it in all it's glorious forms. Which is why "90 in '09" exists.
• Dancing. I'm in no way a good dancer but I am a dancing machine. Fav 5 minute dance party song? Original Hairspray soundtrack, "You Can't Stop the Beat." Gets me pumped!!!!
• Traveling! Hawaii in exactly four weeks bitches!!
• Being a hater. Guess I did have to throw something negative in there. I love to hate. Especially on Bob.
• Sitting on my ass. Preferably on something comfy and in front of the tv.
• Sleeping. Oh, fantabulous sleep. Not to be confused with sitting on my ass.
• Your face! :*

I probably heart other things too. Or people. But I don't feel like listing any of them.

Product Evaluation: IcyHot

Let's just say, I was highly disappointed. Maybe I was expecting too much, but I found this product to give no relief to sore muscles and it became neither icy nor hot. At best it should be called CoolLukeWarm. Two enthusiastic thumbs down, my friends.

Burger King

They've done it again. Why is BK so amazing, you ask? Because they now make burger shots. That's right, they're BK's version of sliders. Except they aren't gross, like the one's at White Castle. I could probably eat a bucketful, but limited myself to three. And before folks start asking "What about 90 in '09?," I'll have you know that a 2 pack is only 5 points. Holla!!!

Mr. Presdient

I've decided that I also have a position worthy of the highest respect. Therefore, from now on, I will only be responding to the title "Ms. Nurse." Thank you in advance for your complete lack of cooperation. Yeah, that wasn't a typo. I'm not keeping my hopes up. But I'll always feel like "Ms. Nurse" on the inside. Well, that and a rainbow.

Oh, British Slang

It's funny. I think the word 'shag' is totally awesome, but the word 'snogging' makes me super uncomfortable. And speaking of words that make people uncomfortable, 'moist' or 'squirt' anyone?

People Shouldn't Show Me Things

Thanks a lot, Brandy. Courtesy of my cousin, I now have to own these: www.buyfunslides.com. Nobody can say say these wouldn't rock. I'd refuse to believe such malarkey.

Family Matters

That's right, I'm going there. To that horrid place in the 90s with that irritating ass kid. Why, might you ask? Well, Nick at Nite plays this horrid show, and as my patients leave their tvs on all night, I'm forced to relive it. Why is this worthy of a blog? Because this show pisses me off. I'm referring specifically to Laura and Stefan Urkel. That's right, Steve's alter ego. This bitch. You've had this guy who, while irritating as shit and ridiculously clumsy, has been in love with you forever and would treat you like gold. One day he makes a machine to turn him into his alter ego (btw, while this show jumped the shark with it's entire existence, this was probably the official moment it happened). And all of a sudden he's good enough for you. And you want him to completely change himself and alter his personality forever because you now love him. Fuck you, bitch. I would change back and then punch her in the face. How dare you have the nerve to say I'm only good enough for you now that I'm an entirely new person? This makes me irate. I just can't believe that bitch's nerve. Btw, how did that show even end? Did he remain Stefan? I never found out, as well before this point in the storyline, I wanted to kill myself whenever I watched it.

Why My Dentist Is My Homeboy

1. He actually sat down and talked to me and answered my questions. As opposed to my old dentist, who would roll in, do a 60 sec cameo, then roll out.
2. My total visit, including stopping to make a future appointment, took 25 minutes. Holla.
3. And because I have no cavities bitches.

Amused

While I know bumper stickers are extremely lame, I saw one that made me chuckle. It said "Republicans for Voldemort." It gave me a tee hee.

Things I Dislike Strongly

• Men in turtlenecks. Especially turtleneck sweaters. *Shudder* I really just can't handle it. I'm talking to you, Rufus from Gossip Girl.
• People who don't own/watch televisions and think there are so much better than everyone else because of it. Bite me. Have I mentioned this already? Sounds familiar. Oh well, worth repeating.
• Backpack purses. These are two separate categories. Adding them together equals a big dose of hideousness. And before you get all het up, I don't mean the sporty crossover style ones. I mean like buying a Coach bag and getting a backpack.
• Skinny Jeans. They're aren't attractive on anyone. The day this fad ends, I'll do a back flip.
• *How could I forget Bobby Flay? Oh, we'll throwdown, bitch. Don't roll up into my establishment, thinking you can do my job better than me.*
• Your face

The Psychic

We'll start with the moral of the story: Don't go see a psychic unless you want to be busted out and told about yourself. I'm not saying that everything see told me made sense or that I believe things in my life are going to happen exactly the way she told me. But when it came to analyzing my personality and behavior, she kilt me big time. Ultimately, I'm a 26-year-old that acts like she's 46 and doesn't experience life. I feel like I have to be responsible all the time. I'm never getting married but I will eventually be in a marriage-like relationship. But, my love life won't actually settle down and be healthy until my late 30s, early 40s. I'm seen as being pregnant twice but only having one child. She told me I can difficult to get along with and I give off standoffish vibes and people that approach me see me as very closed off and intimidating. I'm ridiculously stubborn and proud, I want things to be my own way, and I have some paranoid and OCD like tendencies. I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I need to make changes in my life and be more open minded and accepting of change. A majority of our time was spent in this vein. There was a lot more that was said. Overall, it was a very interesting experience. On a positive note, I'm apparently going to be in a lust, not love, relationship before the year is out. Holla.

Man Bags

I don't have a problem with man bags, or a murse (not to be confused with a male nurse), if you will. But if you're gonna do it, make a good choice. Most everyone, except for fellow metros, is gonna make fun of you for carrying a murse anyway, so you might as well carry a nice leather one that, if you want, you can pass off as a satchel or messenger bag. Check these out: http://www.purseuing.com/bags/man-bags/. All acceptable options, minus that D&B tote bag. Which brings me to why I started this tirade in the first place. I saw a guy carrying what looked like a Land's End tote bag. And he wasn't going to no farmer's market, this was just his bag. Unacceptable. It was just lame and not okay. In conclusion, if you're gonna go man bag, you might as well give your all.

Food Coloring in Dairy Products

really bothers me. A lot. Actually, food coloring bothers me in a lot of things. Save it for candy and fruit snacks only. But I'm sure some lame-o did some study saying that people respond better to food with pretty colors. But I'm sorry, I just don't feel that my peach yogurt need to be peach colored, or my strawberry ice cream needs to be violently pink. Grrr. I get angry just thinking about it.

My 2009 Goals

Hey bitches!! How much did y'all miss me? Let's start the year off right with my goals and resolutions for 2009. I personally think they're awesome. Check it out:

1. The previously mentioned "90 in '09." I'm going to be a size ten if it kills me. I'm going for the human lollipop look due to my large head.
2. Learn how to play my guitar. I'm doing it, dammit!!
3. Take impromptu trips. Long weekend off? Why not randomly drive or fly somewhere? Even though this kinda conflicts with my next goal.
4. Get out of debt and curb my spending. These definitely go hand-in-hand. Though the curbing needs to start after I buy this b-e-a-utiful purple bag ( http://www1.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=320531&CategoryID=27687&LinkType=SiteAd&LinkLoc=26846&AdID=502808).
5. Buy some type of abode. House, condo, whatevs. I have no home as of August 14 (my near death day) and because I'm a loser, I'm already worried about being homeless.
6. Buy a dog!! Yeah!! Sweet'ums! For those who don't know (which can't be many cuz I talk about him all the time) I want an English Mastiff named Sweet'ums. I've recently decided he'll eventually have a Mastiff friend named Rupert, which mush be pronounced with a British accent.
7. Take up a random new hobby. Like archery or fencing or karate.

2009 is my year, peeps! I can feel it!!