Let's Get Real

The best thing about winter isn't the holidays, or snow, or spending time with your family. It's slow hair growth. I haven't shaved my armpits in a week and a half and you can barely tell. Whoo-whoo!!

Why Can't I Just Punch People?

I wish assault wasn't illegal. Not in an "it's okay to beat my spouse and children" kind of way. But in an "I should be able to join in a bar fight and leave without someone pressing charges" kind of way. I'm really looking for a way to punch someone in the face without any consequences.

Follow-up

There is a reason why I did a Wikipedia search of The Lion King. I wanted to know what language was chanted in "Circle of Life." I didn't say it was a good reason. The answer is Zulu, by the way.

Why I Shouldn't Read, Part One

I love mystery and suspense novels. The problem with my reading them is I have a serious case of paranoia. It's not something that overshadows my life or anything. But I shouldn't read books where the government does experiments on people, or politicians are involved in sex rings or cops take money from drug lords, or religious cults have sex with kids. Because that shit happens for real. I'm particularly bad with books where obscenely wealthy people are in weird societies and clubs. The scenarios go on and on. These books definitely contribute to my crazy because they color my view of people. I'm like the person that can't distinguish an actor from the roles they play. I'm super paranoid and pretty much don't trust anyone in a position of power. I'm terrified that I'm going to accidentally cross some rich dude or government official or drug lord and have my existence erased. Or get shot. What's my theme song again? What's hilarious about this is that I'm totally antisocial and barely hang out with my friends, let alone with anyone with that kind of power.

Are You For Real?

Are y'all aware that a hyena researcher sued Disney for defamation of character? Because he/she didn't feel that the hyenas were portrayed in an accurate and positive light? And another wanted to boycott the movie as a way of helping preserve hyenas in the wild? Folks are freaking ridiculous. And once again, thank you Wikipedia.

My Number One Pet Peeve

I completely understand that my speech is almost impossible to comprehend. My pitch is alternating too high or too low, I speak way too fast, I mumble, and I add extra vowels to words. I know that I need a speech therapist. All that being said, I hate, Hate, HATE when people nod, smile and pretend to understand what I'm saying. I know it's annoying but just ask me to repeat myself. Tell me to speak up or slow down. Just don't be a dick about it.

I Have Freckles

This is unacceptable.

Hmm..

Was anyone aware of the fact that Enrique Iglesias has a song called "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)?" Inappropriate.

Dear All Men Everywhere

Low cut V-neck tops are not okay.

Dare Me

I'll drink a can of Pediasure for $20. Any takers?

Another Option

If no one wants to buy me the T-Pain mic, I would like a set of brass knuckles for Christmas. Please and thank you.

Poll The Audience

I don't know why I ask folks' opinions when I know what they're gonna be. Maybe I like people to talk me out of things. Or I want to know that everyone opposes so I can do it anyway out of spite. Who knows? Anyhoo, I'm thinking about getting the other side of my nose pierced. And wear a stud in one side and a hoop in the other, like Lenny Kravitz. What are our thoughts? When I first mentioned this to folks, I was joking. But now I'm actually considering it.

Worst Joke Ever

• What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
• A quarter pounder with cheese.

This joke is probably super old. But I heard it in a movie the other day. I can't lie, I laughed. As I vomited in my mouth a little.

Who's Buying This For Me?

This! I must have it. I would auto-tune everything. I am T-Pain!!

Conformity

I'm not quite offended by being called a closet conformist. There are elements of truth to that. But I'd like to believe that I'm a non-conformist in more than just the way I dress. Granted, I can't think of any ways right now...

Jennifer Aniston

Why are folks always hating on Jennifer Aniston? Just because she hasn't been in any Oscar winning movies (said in the la-ti-da voice) doesn't mean her movies are bad. Well, some of them are bad. But even the ones that I personally find to be good get hated on. "The Switch," which I just watched yesterday, was good times. "The Break-Up" was flipping hilarious. The list continues: "Along Came Polly," "Bruce Almighty," "Office Space." Jennifer Aniston, I hope you're laughing all the way to the bank while everyone else is kicking back and drinking their haterade.

My Top Three Fears

1. Contracting malaria
2. Getting poisoned by a scorpion
3. Hippo attack

Something You May Not Know About Me

I consider frequent bloody noses to be a sign of weakness. And I'm absurdly interested in the different types of hats people have worn through the centuries.

Hmm

It's probably a good thing I have Bernie. Otherwise, I feel like I'd have a lot more velvet in my house.

More Fun Family Phrases

• I'm thirsty. And Friday, too.
• They're working me like a Hebrew slave.
• He wouldn't say boo to a goose.

Tattoo

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo of a heart with a lock in the the middle and icicles dripping from it. And maybe chains wrapped around it. Minus a key. You know, to show the world how much of a tin chest I am. Thoughts?

Texts From Bob

For no particular reason, I've refused to start my own Twitter account. So Bob ends up being my own personal Twitter, as I send him crazy ass random text messages throughout the day. Because he likes to share my crazy with the world, he's started a new feed on his account called, "Texts From Bob" (For those confused, we call each other Bob. Stupid story, been going on for over 10 years, we rarely use each others' real names). I figured he could get some hype generated for me, on the off chance I did start my own. I have no clue what his account is, but I'll get it for you folks that might enjoy it. It won't really tell you anything new. It's pretty obvious from this blog that I've got one jacked up thought process.

My Prayers Have Been Answered

As we all know, I would like to get cosmetic surgery on my hideous eyelids. Well, the universe has finally answered my call. I was watching infomercials the other day, and the Dream Look Instant Eye Lift appeared from before me. You get a set of these thin clear plastic strips that you apply to your eyelids and voila! Instant lift! Anyone want to get me a late birthday present? Check 'em out: https://www.getdreamlook.com/Index.dtm

Do You Know What Pisses Me Off?

Well, lots of things. I'm a pretty angry person. But what really pisses me off is when I am gracious enough to allow people before me in traffic and I don't get a wave. Excuse me? Did you just ignore my magnanimity? I could've been one of those douches that speeds up so you can't get in. But no, I kindly stopped so you wouldn't have to wait all day. And in response, I get nothing? It doesn't even have to be the full wave, it can just be a raising of the hand. I'm a terrible person, so I need acknowledgement when I do good deeds.

I Can't Lie

I love Scott Bakula. Always and forever.

Don't Wait Until June To Mow Your Grass

The front yard was pretty easy, as the grass isn't super thick and it gets drier. But the grass in the backyard is not only uber thick, but the yard slants so it collects tons of moisture, even if it hasn't been raining. Well, today was finally the day, and I must say I'm ashamed of myself. The grass was so long and thick, I has to tilt the lawn mower to a 45 degree angle in order to lop of the top of it. I couldn't de-poop it, cuz I couldn't see anything through the stalks. The lawn mower stalled about 10 times, and finally just refused to restart again until I let it sit for 30 minutes with the engine smoking. And today was just phase one of mowing. The grass near the root is so damp and there are so many clipping plied up, I'm going to have to let the clippings dry out, so I can rake them all up and the mow it a couple more times. I'm pretty sure it would have been easier for me to just mow every week.

Werewolf

Am I the only person that thinks Bradley Cooper looks like a werewolf? It's mostly the teeth. Y'all know I have a thing about teeth.

Creepy

Does anyone else think those glow-in-the-dark runner statues in Olin-Turville park are fucking creepy? I'd like to bash the hell out of them with a baseball bat, but their glowing in the dark ruins my sneaking into the park under the cover of darkness.

Hells Yeah!!

100% on my telemetry test, bitches!! That shit was cake!

Common And Uncommon Phrases Used By My Family

So obviously, to me, all of these phrases are common. I've heard most of them my entire life. But as I've used them around my friends over the years, I've gotten some crazy ass looks. So here goes. Note: I will be giving the phrases only, without providing any explanation. I think most of them are self-explanatory anyways, but those looks I've gotten...

• Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra. (That one's for you, Bob)
• Gimme got shot.
• He thinks fat meat ain't greasy.
• She just about had a hay baby with a straw hat.
• Tell the truth, shame the devil.
• God don't like ugly.
• Madder than a raped ape.
• Higher than a monkey's butt.
• Hotter than the blue blazes.
• Hungry as a hostage.

Damn, I know that there are more but my mind is blanking. No worries, I'll continue to make updates as they come to me.

Question

You know those ice cream maker balls? Do you think I could put all the ingredients in and then play with Bernie and make him do all the work to actually make the ice cream?

I Fucking Hate Birds

Number one down side of spring: birds. I fucking hate birds. Don't chirp and wake me up in the morning. Don't hang around my deck and lawn. Luckily I haven't heard my arch nemesis too much lately. That's right, the chickadee. I hate the chickadee more than any other winged spawn of Satan. Though those fucking geese are a close second. And they all better be glad I don't own a BB gun. And that I don't have the brain power or drive to build an electric force field around my house.

OCD

Bob tells me I'll have full on OCD by the age of 46. I later realized it bugged me that he picked 46 for a number, when 45 or 50 were better, since they're multiples of 5.

Bad Idea

Don't boil water and then fall asleep. One day the house will burn down.

Ha!

I found it bitches! So suck it!!

Seriously?

Who loses a cell phone after five days?

I Get It

We all know I use the term racist to pertain to just about any discussion of race and racial stereotypes. I do know what the actual definition of racist is. For example, I know that because I'm black, I'm superior to everyone in every way. Both true and racist. General awesomeness also explains my totally superiority. That and a little delusion of grandeur.

As Seen On TV

I really need a Sobakawa cloud pillow. I've been informed that they're being sold at Walgreens. The thing is, the ones at Walgreens have actual buckwheat hulls in them whereas the televison ones have air beads with buckwheat hull-like qualities. Which is better? They're the same price, except for shipping, which I hate paying. But the ones from televison have a buy one get one free offer and it comes with a special pillow case. But I'm big on instant gratification. What to do?

A Sincere But Racist Question

Why do white people love Florida so much? Florida is a hot, disgusting place with no redeeming value. Scratch that. Due to the high Latino population, you can probably find some good food. Anyways, the minute white folks have some vacation time, they're off to Florida. Please help me understand.

Pomegranates

I secretly believe that pomegranates are an alien species slowly trying to take over Earth. They've been laying low for years and years, just biding their time. Then when science started talking about free radicals and antioxidants pomegranates decided to make their move. "Guess what?" they said. "We're chock full of antioxidants. Just test us, you'll see." And then, just like Audrey II originally planned, the takeover began. Pomegranates appeared in everything; juices, jam, body wash, lotions. Little pamphlets show up at the store on the proper way to eat then. "Oooh, we're so good for you! Check out our innocent little colorful seeds." Now we're right where they wanted us. But maybe it's not too late! Ignore those pomegranate products! Save us all! The next time you see that supposedly innocent fruit at the grocery store, in the back of your head, listen to Audrey II singing about being a big bad mother from outer space. And know she's bad.

How I Almost Burned My House Down (Again)

I decided I wanted some spring rolls for breakfast today. Lean Cuisine makes some now and they are quite tasty. You put them in a little crisping sleeve and cook them for 2.5 minutes. So, I popped them in the microwave, then sat at my computer for while. Eight minutes to be exact. Well, one minute before the smoke alarm goes off, I realize I never heard the microwave beep. Let's guess why, hmmmm? Yes, Erica added an extra zero and set the microwave for 23 minutes. By the time I got into the kitchen, the timer was at 15 minutes. Oh, and the entire kitchen was full of smoke, enough that I starting coughing immediately because my lungs wanted to die. I quickly stop the microwave, and open a window and the back door. My supposed rescue dog, seeing all this activity and now hearing the smoke alarm, gets off the living room floor and ambles back to his bed, like I was disturbing his nap. From the microwave a put out a completely black, charred lump. The glass plate also has big burn marks on it. Good times. But you know what's funny? Afterwards, I still really wanted spring rolls for breakfast.

Dear People Without Snow Blowers,

I hope your asses aren't too sore from being ripped a new one. Sincerely, Erica

Still Crazy

It's kinda funny how sincerely pissed off I continue to get concerning the supposed existence of dinosaurs. This is like a 10 year argument.

Name Change

My name will now be spelled Er!ca. Make a note of it.

More Hoobastank Syndrome

You know what song I still love? "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

Donald Duck

I realized yesterday that Donald Duck is the cartoon character I'm most similar to. Or to which I'm most similar, if you want to be grammatically correct. I have good reasons too.

• No one understands us when we talk.
• We both have bodies that are unfortunately shaped.
• We fly into frequent rages.
• And neither of us like to wear pants.

It's almost like he was modeled after me.

Best and Worst

Best song of 2010: "DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love," Usher. Worst song of 2010: "Soul Sister," Train.

New Year's Resolutions, 2011 Edition

I continue to make resolutions that I never achieve, but I guess that's part of the fun. I think I have five or six this year.

1. Embrace my meanness. Every year I say I going to try to be nicer. Why? I love bringing the mean and I'm going to revel in it. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Damn, this has been you not embracing meanness?"
2. Pull the race card. Constantly. I'm gonna talk shit about race constantly. This mostly stems from me being sick of being the only black person at work. And, it sometimes feels like, in the city of Madison. Miss Diamond ain't playin' around this year.
3. Reduce my debt. This is another reoccurring resolution. But I gotta work on getting these credit cards paid off. 2011 is the year of the super budget.
4. Finish some home projects. Another epic fail of 2010. If I could even just get my guest room furnished, I'll be happy. But doubtful, due to budget restraints.
5. And the number one, all time repeat resolution? Get less fat! This year has a twist, though. I've decided if I don't completely get to my goal weight this coming year, in 2012 I'm shooting for 300lbs. Bob told me that this goal would be more reasonable if I didn't make resolutions like 90 in '09.