Let's All Agree

I believe we can all agree that any story using the phrase "this bitch" is going to be amazing. No, this bitch didn't?! This bitch had the nerve to...! Or the classic, I will cut this bitch!

Best Team Name Ever

"My People Have Swept Enough." World's best curling team name. Racism can be fun!!

Oh, No!

I missed my blog's anniversary! It was four-years-old on October 19th. I can't believe folks have actually been reading this nonsense for four years. And I kinda suck at this. This is only my 399th post. Eh, after four years, it's still the awesomest nonsense around. Yay me!

Am I Really That Geeky?

I need more opinions. Bob and I shared this conversation yesterday.

Me: How geeky is it that when I put on my black pearl earrings I said, "The Black Pearl!" in a pirate accent?
Bob: Super geeky.
Bob: Like scale of 1-10 I give it a 57.
Me: Who has a scale up to 101?
Bob: That was 1-10.
Bob: You would.
Me: Ahhh. My cursive font can be deceiving. I thought 57 put me in the middle of the scale. Not well beyond the top.
Bob: Having a cursive font on your phone is probably a 63849282659471625 on the same scale.

I can't be that geeky. I'm too cool for school.

My Yearly Rant

Daylight savings sucks balls! Standard time for life!! I salute you Hawaii and Arizona!

New Life Goal

I'm challenging myself to create 100 total Pandora stations. Challenge accepted!! I currently have 57. It's on!

Quoting G'ma

"My pimpin' is slippin'."

Some Of You Have Heard This Story

Let's set the scene: it was the beginning of a beautiful autumn day and Bernie and I were admiring the foliage and the sunrise as we took an early walk.  As we were heading home, I looked up because I heard the garbage truck. And I had to do a double take. I swear for God, the garbage man had just done a back flip off the side of the truck. Hold up. What a minute. That was the lift lowering the can back to the curb. What's wrong with me?

Topic Revisited

Since I've thought about it the requisite ten years (which is my way), I'm officially going to get my nose pierced again. I may go this weekend and follow through on the impulse. I can do it! But I lie a lot. So it's possible I won't.

Worst Conversation Ever

A lovely back and forth between Bob and I.

Me: I hate love triangles. They enrage me.
Bob: The shape?
Me: Really?
Bob: Huh?
Me: I didn't say I had a love/hate relationship with triangles. I said I hate love triangles.
Bob: Ok. Are you drunk now? Wtf are you talking about?
Me: You're the one being confusing. I'm making perfect sense.
Bob: You've said "I hate love triangles" twice.
Me: And the first time I said it, you responded with "the shape?"
Bob: Because it makes no sense. You hate love triangles? The shape? Or I guess the percussion instrument?
Me: Love triangles, Bob. As in one person in love with two people.
Bob: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Oh, text messaging.

I'm Back!

I promise, promise, promise to blog more often! Hopefully there is still someone out there to actually read this message...

Testing

Holla! Blogging from the Apple Store, bitch! I need an iPad, son.

Wow

I got super excited on the way to work because I thought "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean was about to come on the radio. And then I was sad when it turned out to be Aerosmith. What a nerd.

And The Winner Is...

Me!! I sincerely believe that I'm going to win every game of chance I pay. Not card or board games, because everyone knows I'm terrible at those. And a very sore loser (Risk memories, anyone?). Contests is a more accurate word. Every single contest I play, I'm convinced I'm going to be the grand prize winner. Does this belief, this hope, these positive vibes I send out into the universe work? Nope. Every year, I think I'm going to win a million dollars in the Monopoly game at McDonald's. I faithfully complete the surveys that various stores and restaurants give out, asking about their service, in hopes of winning cash and gift cards. Have I won yet? Nope. Currently, I am 100% convinced that I'm going to win that Visa contest where you get tickets to the Olympics for life. It's the same thing whenever I go to Vegas. Every year is the year I'm going to hit big on the Wheel of Fortune slot machine at the Bellagio. I'm so cynical about everything else, what is about these contests that keep me hoping every time? Probably the fact that ultimately, I'm not really risking anything.

Yay Me!!!

Happy 30th Birthday To ME!!!!! Somehow I've made it to thirty without someone beating me up or punching me in my smart mouth. Huzzah!! Thanks for all the birthday wishes and to all my peeps that came out to celebrate last night. This is going to be the year of Erica!! I can feel it!!!

I Don't Know Why

I really hate calf tattoos. On any other part of the body, I'm fine. But something about a calf tattoo annoys me. Though it makes a fine target for kicking.

Almost Mortifying

I don't close the doors in my house. It's just the dog and I. Well, I walk into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, as so many of us do. Bernie follows me in, whining, because he's impatient to go out for his walk. I yell at him just as I hear a familiar noise. It was an automated voice telling me that the person I was calling was unavailable. I must have accidentally hit the call button when I sat it down on the countertop. Unfortunately, I was yelling, "Can I poop in peace?!" Luckily, I hit end before a message started to record. And it was my mom's cell phone, which she never answers at work. What if I had called the hospital, where someone almost always picks up immediately? Usually nothing embarrasses me, but even I have some limits. How mortifying would that have been?

Personalize

I don't like when strangers use my name. Like if I buy something with a credit card and the cashier says, "Thanks, Erica." Please, don't personalize our transaction. I especially dislike it when I'm at a drive thru window. I feel like the person at the wndow is silently judging me. "Thank you, Erica. And did you really need two steak soft tacos and a nacho supreme?" Bastards.

Bored

I was bored at work and decided to pull a Molly Ringwald, a la "The Breakfast Club." It's really quite easy to apply lipstick with the tube in your cleavage. This talent is not impressive. That's why Bender cut you to shreds, Claire.

Help Me

This night is killing my insides. Four hours still to go...

Tangled

Seriously, how did Rapunzel not have rickets?

Spring Is Here!

You know what that means? De-pooping the backyard!! I'll pay someone $10 to do it. Twenty if you can do it without complaining.

FYI

The Otis Redding station on Pandora is amazing.

Resolution Time!!!!

Sorry I'm a few... months late. Let's say since it took me longer to make them, the odds of me sticking to them are better. Yeah...let's say that. I'd like to say I'll set more attainable goals this year, but I make no promises. Let's start with a review of last year's goals. They were as follows: 1) embrace my meanness 2) pull the race card constantly, 3) reduce my debt, 4) complete various home projects, and 5) get less fat. I think it's safe to say the only goal I attained was #1. I am nothing nice.
We're actually gonna shoot for some positive changes this year. I know, right!!

1. Stop swearing so much. By the way, Carlos is to blame for all the swearing I do now. But I'm gonna be the bigger person and rise above my salty language. I'm still allowed to use off-color words though. I wouldn't survive if I couldn't yell out "Balls!" every so often. Or call someone a dick face.  
2. Stop being so judgmental/stop offering my unsolicited opinion. I am well aware of the fact that I can be annoying. I believe it's primarily due to these traits. Y'all may disagree (with why I'm annoying, not the fact that I am). We all know that I have strong opinions about things. That doesn't mean I have to be such a bitch about it all the time. Or so vocal. Now, don't expect me to say polite, nice, socially acceptable things. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
3. Stop eating. Just stop entirely. I'm living off of diet pills and water this year. I'm ridiculously enormous and the fat has gotta go. Or I may just eat a healthier diet and exercise more. Meh, we'll see what the year brings.
4. Work on one of my deadly sins. Bob determined that I embody about six out of the seven. If you can believe it, I'm not greedy! Anyways, I'm shooting for vanity, even though it should probably be wrath or pride. I seriously look at myself in every reflective surface I encounter, even my cell phone screen. It's ridiculous. Oh, but before I'm less vain, I must say I'm very happy that Leslie noticed I whitened my teeth!! Made my day!!
5. Get all my home repairs done. Actually, I need to keep my house in ready to sell condition at all times. You never know when the perfect next house will come along. *sob*
6. Pay off my credit cards!!!!!!!!!!

I can actually think of a lot more. But here's where I'll start. Maybe I do an update in a few months, report where I am. Well, that's 2012, folks!!  I can do it!! Positive thinking!

Made You Choke!

I think I'm so clever. Peep this edited conversation (it's edited to protect the privacy of a patient who is possessed by the devil).

Carlos: Will u please go see if ur broom stands up by itself and then send me a pic if it does?
Me: Awesome. *Photo attached*
Me: I just want to leave it like that and see when it falls.
Me: If it goes all Disney and starts dancing and hauling buckets of water and shit, I'm outta here.
Carlos: You just made me choke on my cucumbers!

Fact

I don't know if this fact about me is well known or not, but I love me some envelope glue. I need to take up letter writing again.

Memo

Today I wrote a check paying off my Nordstrom card. And to remind myself why I opened a Nordstrom card in the first place, I wrote "ballin' ass boots"  on the memo line. *sigh heavily* I have no self control. 

More Questions

Say someone cuts out your tongue. Why have we not reached a point in modern medicine where you can get that replaced? Obviously more for the purpose of speech, not artificial taste buds.

Question

Can you give a dog Miralax?

Boring

Have you ever met someone so boring, it makes you wonder how boring their significant other has to be in order to find them interesting? That was a long sentence.