Christmas

So unfortunately friends, my holiday wasn't as kickass as Thanksgiving was. I just worked all week. Though I did make chocolate chip pancakes for Christmas breakfast that were very yummy. I thought I'd make up for a lame Christmas in the hospital by having a huge kickass shopping extravaganza on Friday. Yeah, that didn't really work out the way I'd planned. I had the awesome embarrassing pleasure of having another fake heart attack!! In the middle of Land's End!! Didn't see that plot twist coming, did you? For those who don't know, I had a fake heart attack this summer and the docs didn't find anything wrong and sent me on my merry way. Well, tada bitches!! It's back. So picture me, talking to this little old lady cashier, and suddenly sweating and clutching my chest and asking where an emergent care was. I clearly couldn't drive myself so instead they have to call an ambulance. And not just that, the fire dept responded; they sent a whole show for me. It rocked (or something like that). So I spent my holiday extravaganza evening right back in the hospital in the ED. Another EKG, another chest x-ray, some labs. What do you know, there is nothing wrong with my heart and I don't have any clots. I just have some random ass chest pain and an expensive ass ambulance bill. And there goes my holiday check. Good stuff. Super big shout out to Leslie for coming to pick me up from the ED and taking me back to my car. And for going to Land's End with me. Dude, I didn't get to finish my transaction but I didn't want to terrify them by showing up by myself. All in all, Merry Christmas.

Fatitude

So, my fellow fat people. Do you ever think about how some things are just so much better when you do them with other fat people? The two that immediately come to mind being clothes shopping and eating. You don't feel self-conscious, it's just a good time. And do you ever meet certain skinny people and something about them lets you know that they know other fat people? And not just as an acquaintance, cuz everyone knows someone who's fat. But like a close friend or family member. You kinda just feel fat person comfortable around them. And you never ask them directly, but later on, if you meet/see said family member or friend you're totally aren't surprised. You just feel your intuition has been validated. Am I crazy or do other people feel this way? And I will make an exception to my first comment and say that hanging out with skinny people that both know fat people and eat like a fat person hiding in a skinny body are acceptable companions (re:Bob).

Do You Think...

...that people are morbid enough, in this day and age, that if hanging again became an official government form of execution, people would have hanging parties, like back in the day? Back in the day meaning like 16th century England and whatnot. At a hanging, you'd bring the whole family, a picnic and rotten veggies to throw. Good family fun. We act all horrified by that now, but I wonder if that's really the case.

A Little Odd

Okay, so this is kinda random. But do you know what really interests me? Names given to groups of things, especially animals and insects. Like a school of fish or a colony of ants. But I really like the odd ones that nobody every hears and no one uses on a daily basis. Maybe it's just because I like having random knowledge to lord over other people, I don't know. Anyways, some groups have like two or three different options of names, but let me share some of my favorites, in no particular order.

• A murder of crows
• A crash or stubbornness of rhinoceroses
• A mob of emus
• A flamboyance of flamingos (tee hee)
• A bloat of hippos
• A wisdom of wombats
• A fever of stingrays
• An unkindness of ravens
• A prickle of porcupines (tee hee)
• A parliament of owls
• A charm of hummingbirds
• A memory of elephants
• A coalition of cheetahs
• A loveliness of ladybugs

Do I actively search online to look for these names? I do. Does this make me a big uber geek? Probably. And apparently I'm pretty tickled by alliteration. I'm fairly sure most of these are accurate, but like I said, different websites offer a lot of different options. I just picked the ones that are kickass. Feel free to contribute your knowledge of other cool names.

Things I Don't Approve Of

This list could probably go on forever. We'll start with what I can think of now, and build from there. I present some of the many things of which I don't approve (ooh, look at me not using a preposition at the end of my sentence).

• White people dreadlocks. Self-explanatory, as far as I'm concerned.
• Texting/IMing slang. I'm sorry if it takes 10 extra seconds. Just write out the word. 'Haha' suffices for laughter, not 'lmao'. 'You're' is tons better than 'ur'. I'm just trying to help y'all not look like jackasses.
• Beyonce. Everything about her.
• Light sleepers. What's wrong with you?
• Picky eaters. You eat what I give you or you don't eat.
• Car motion sickness. Seriously?
• Your face.

To be continued...

Minor Concession

After much tasting, I have determined that ketchup does taste tons better at room temperature than refrigerated. But there is still no way I would leave my ketchup bottle in the cabinet after it's been opened. That's still disgusting. I'm with Megan: stealing packets from restaurants is the way to go.

Do You Ever Wonder...

...about old people in commercials? As in, like, how do old people get jobs in commercials? Are there a bunch of seniors out there, still trying to make it in Hollywood after a bajillion years? That just saddens me. If you're 70, shouldn't you give up the dream by now? Or is it more of a, "oh, I'm old and I did some minor acting in my youth and I'm doing commercials now because I 'm bored and to make some extra cash" thing? That's more understandable. And can you picture a room full of grandparents, all of them practicing their lines to themselves in order to nail this audition? Kinda makes me giggle.

Mini Fake Experiments

I like doing curiosity experiments. Sometimes this is also known as "challenging myself." It's usually small things. Like, in different buildings, I'll walk through the handicap accessible doorway and then use the regular door and see what the time difference is. Or I'll sit in wheelchair at work and decide that I'll going to roll to all my patients' rooms all night just to see if I can. Or I'll 'borrow' a hat because I'm curious about how much I pee at one time. There are plenty more examples I just can't think of at this time. But most of these are spur of the moment. I think I need to start buying supplies for my fake experiments. I bring this up, because I was watching an Infomercial for the ShamWow (www.shamwow.com). And I was wondering, "Is it really that absorbent? Really?" So then I wondered, maybe I can pretend to be buying carpeting and ask for a bunch of samples. And then I can buy the ShamWow and test it's true absorbency. Or I could mix up some OxyClean solution and see if it's truly effective at getting stains out. The possibilities are endless. Also, I recently re-watched Wedding Crashers and I really want to drink some Visine and see if I'll get sick. But this website I read said in the instance of drinking eye drops, I should immediately call poison control. So maybe I'll leave that one for the movies.

The Votes Are In!!

12 whole people have decided: It's worse to be ugly than it is to be plain. Sorry Uggos, better luck next time (and I suggest I stop talking shit before I come back in another life a hideous wildebeest).

Hmmm...

I used to get pissed off because so many organizations kept sending me stuff asking for money. But now kinda miss them as I'm running low on address labels. I have some spring ones left, but those are obviously inappropriate for the season.

Shoutout

Big ups to Natalie for her awesome blog follower pic!! That's right, she's rockin' a Ballerfest shirt! And a ballin' pose to match.

Testicle Envy

So I don't have penis envy, but I will have to confess to testicle envy. I mean, I don't want any (I wouldn't be cute with a 'stache). So you're wondering why? Why in the name of Buddha would you have testicle envy? I'll tell you why. Because all my favorite vulgar phrases involve invoking the family jewels. Let me share my favs:

• Suck my balls!
• I'd give my left nut to...
• What a kick in the crotch!
• Holy balls!
• I'm freezing my balls off!
• Bollocks!!
• Stop sweatin' my balls! (Can't believe I forgot this one)

I love vulgarity. Good times.

Stop Riding Your Bike!!!

Kermit the Frog here with a news flash. It's winter mofos!! There's snow and ice on the ground! What about these conditions makes you think that riding your bike is a good idea? No one admires the way you're helping the environment despite the challenge of the foul weather. Everyone just thinks you're a damn fool.

Why Karen Rocks!!

For many reasons, of course. But today it's because she showed me the best thing I've ever seen in my life!! My LIFE!!! Sorry scrubsmusic.com. Now, everyone knows I'm easily influenced and I love "As Seen On TV" products. Well, while commenting on the wonder of the ShamWow, Karen showed something amazingly awesome that should have been invented years ago. Known as the 'Slanket,' or the cheaper version as the 'Snuggie,' it's...a fleece blanket with sleeves!!! A Blanket With Sleeves!!! Hello!! This is fantastic! Everyone needs to go to this link and watch the video: www.getsnuggie.com. I'm am totally buying one of these. And if you think I'm joking, you don't know me that well.

Get Excited!!!!

I just found the best website ever in life!!!!! It's scrubsmusic. com and you can download every song that was every played on the show!!! And Scrubs always has a kickass soundtrack. I cannot express how thrilled I am at this discovery.

Do You Know What Would Be The Worst Thing Ever?

If they made a Lethal Weapon 5. I recall reading about this somewhere, that they were thinking about it. Why? The first four were passably entertaining but it needs to stop. As it was, Danny Glover and Mel Gibson were practically using walkers in 4. And Mel Gibson lost his attractiveness with his hair. And with being a big ball of crazy. Stop being lazy writers and producers. Let them sit down, no one wants to see their old asses fighting crime anymore.

Another Old Argument, Looking For New Opinions

Disclaimer first: This is probably one of the most shallow arguments you've ever heard. Here goes. What would be worse: to be plain or ugly? My opinion continues to be that being ugly would totally be worse. At least if you're plain, you kinda got something to work with. Ugly is just ugly. Though I guess either way, you better hope someone out there sees your inner beauty. Feel free to leave a comment, or vote in the poll to the left.

Weird Thought

If you were really hungry and had nothing else in the house, do you thing you could eat a Vaseline sandwich?

Yes..

...they would have.