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This blog still exists?

My Personality Test Results

You understand life, its difficulties, and problems.

Your imagination runs away from you at times, causing you to exaggerate.

You are impatient to get ahead in life.

You express yourself well and assert yourself openly.

You are reliable, honest, and others depend on you.

You resent orders, but if asked will respond cheerfully.

You thrive on admiration and praise. 

You set very high standards for yourself.

You have a natural talent for business matters.

You have a strong urge to develop along creative lines.

Your ample energy is used to good advantage. 

You like to travel a good deal for all sorts of reasons.

An old ass machine at State Fair determined these things based on my signature. For $3.  

Nelson Understands Me

We know how I feel about dinosaurs. But more specifically, I think paleontology is beyond bogus. And Nelson described my feelings beautifully. 

"They are kinda just tossing a bunch of animal bones together. 'This dinosaur had wings, scales, was invisible, but was multicolored and lived under water and was 675 feet long.'"

Truth! Preach it! It's all a bunch of malarkey. 

An Unconventional Love Story

I never thought I could feel this way. Who knew you were out there, waiting to make my life whole. You're always there for me, you never let me down, and I'm happiest when I'm with you. I can only hope to have this feeling for the rest of my life. So thank you, Wendy's. Your chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce complete me. 

Delayed Reaction Face

For some reason, I can hear the same song over and over again, and still completely miss all the inappropriate song lyrics. Last time I posted this, I was discussing an Enrique Iglesias song. Never knew "loving you" was actually "fucking you." Well, this time it's both Nelly and Macklemore that got me. Okay, so how have I never noticed Nelly saying,"if the head right, Nelly there every night"? Seriously, Erica, that song is 15 years old. Where have you been? So that made me a little oblivious. The Macklemore lyrics I missed lead me to believe I'm deaf for real. Have you listened to the words to "And We Danced"? I was scandalized, I tell you!! My delicate ears were burning! Apparently his dick is "big, long, pink, strong, and known to last all night long." Who knew? Everyone in the world but me. I gotta get out of my bubble more often. 

Mini Rant

I hate when grown ass men go by double consonant, y names. You know what I'm talking about. Bobby, Tommy, Billy, Jimmy. Ugh, Johnny. Dude, y'all aren't ten. Lock it up. 

Best Compliment Ever

Yesterday Megan, my twin, told me she felt safe in the car with me driving!! Huzzah!! Feeling pretty proud of myself. 

Overanalyzing Song Lyrics

Anyone who knows me knows I love to pick apart songs and get heated over the lyrics. Today's song? Escape (The Piña Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes. My biggest problem in this song is when the couple meets at the bar to run away together. Well, they obviously realize that they've been talking to each other this whole time and they just laugh it off!! Seriously, your girl/guy was trolling online for someone better than you and that's just okay? The first line of the song was literally I'm sick of this bitch. Don't just say, "Hahaha, we've learned new things about each other and now our relationship is so much better!" I call bullshit. 

Bothered

I'm very bothered by artificially colored foods. Like, not enough not to eat them. But bothered all the same. My strawberry yogurt doesn't need to be bright pink to convince me it's actually strawberry.  

My Weird Stereotypes II

It's been so long! So...why don't white people use washcloths? I find this to be extremely gross. How do you feel clean if you don't wash with a washcloth? Does everyone in your household share a bar of soap? Do you just use your hands? Do you at least use a loofah or a pouf? Do you really feel like those can clean all your cracks and crevasses? Do you use washcloths and it's just a deep hidden secret? Inquiring, stereotyping minds need to know!!

To My People

Thanks to all my awesome friends and fam for the birthday wishes, the thoughtful gifts, and spending time. Just want y'all to know that you totally rock and I love and appreciate you. Alright, enough of this gooey shi...show of emotion. I'm out!! Here's to a rockin' 34th year, to new adventures, and to passing for 28 for as long as possible.  

Flashback

Have I ever told the story of why I don't have eyebrows? Okay, they've probably always been pretty sparse. But when I was a young lass, but old enough to know better, I was taking a bubble bath. And thought it'd be fun to pretend to shave bubbles off my face. Well, at some point in the process, I decided that it'd be more realistic if I took the safety cap off. What do you know, with the cap off you may actually shave hair off. And there went half of my left eyebrow. I thought that no one would notice, so I tried to go about my day. But I noticed my father looking at me funny. Now, I didn't want to get in trouble for playing with his razor. Kid logic time...I should totally shave off half of the other eyebrow. Cuz if they match, you won't notice they're half gone. Done!! Oddly, I don't recall much after that. I just remember doing it. And blaming my childhood antics for my continued lack of eyebrows. Good times. 

Make Some Moves

Bungee jumping may have scrambled my brain. Now my mind is constantly jumping, wondering what new thing to do or try next. I want to say yes to everything! That's pretty much my motto right now, actually. Say Yes To Everything. No fear, no limitations (I mean, I'm not trying to break the law or anything. I'm not crazy.) Weeeelllll, that's not exactly true. Still working on the people paranoia. Don't ask me what happened in my life that makes me believe everyone is a serial killer. Cuz the answer is nothing. I've lived a straight up vanilla life. Gonna have to make some moves and work on that. Maybe the answer will come to me while hang gliding. Or rock climbing. Or getting a new tattoo. Oooh, tap starts again soon! Wait, what? 

They Got Me This Time

TSA remembered how suspicious my giant bun is. Got the hair pat down in security. 

Dear Thighs,

It'd be awesome if you didn't try to fall off. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Erica

Hmmm

So I guess I decided that joining Twitter was a good idea? Late much? I mean, I could always use another place to spew nonsense. So for the five people that read this blog, feel free to join the crazy that's begun @bitchface_killa. Killing bitches 24/7. You know how I do. 

Ha!

Just read an article about black women feeling like they're singled out by TSA agents to have their hair searched. That's so funny, I was totally surprised last week when my giant ghetto girl bun didn't get checked. 

Way Back Machine

I miss Cray-Pas. 

God, I'm Gross

I'm pretty sure I peed this morning, didn't wash my hands, then flossed my teeth. 

Dear New Orleans,

I gained ten pounds, damaged my liver, got addicted to penny slots, saw more penises than expected and as many drag queens as I wanted. I'll totally be back!!

Sincerely, 

Erica 

Ugh

Pre-vacay grooming is the worst. People actually shave their entire legs all the time? To the knee is more than sufficient for everyday life. 

Grammar Nerd

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Hahahahahaha

I'm Just Saying

I was at the mall last weekend. And the women working in a store there just completely ignored my existence. It was otherwise empty, my cousin briefly made eye contact, then the two saleswomen continued with their personal conversation. There was no acknowledgment of me as a potential paying customer, at all. Now, I doubt they work on commission, so selling me something probably made no difference to them one way or another. But this brings up something I don't understand. Maybe this makes me cold and calculating or grasping, but I don't get people letting their personal beliefs/opinions get in the way of making that money. I don't know if these woman were being racist or just terrible employees, but even if they were racist, why would you let that stop you from doing your job? And all these stories you hear recently of bakers and wedding planners and so on refusing to provide service to gay couples? I'm sorry, if I was a florist and gay marriage became legal in my state, the only thing I'd say is "Cha-Ching!"

*Apparently I should pay attention to current events. I guess folks in Indiana don't agree with me*

Dear Chuck Tingle,

Why are you trying to kill me? Because of you, I continue to experience the phenomena of insta-tears. I see one of your new book titles and I completely bypass laughter and go from zero to sobbing. You're just too much.

Sincerely,

Erica

What inspired revisiting Chuck Tingle? Well, I've been keeping up since I discovered him. But his latest story..."Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt"? Took me over the edge again.

You Know You're A Nerd When...

You excitedly ask the librarian about the new device that they can stack books on to check them out all at once. 

Erica's Weird Stereotypes

Apparently it's hypocritical day. Stereotypes beyond annoy me. Most especially when they're applied to me, obvi. And since I hate hearing them, I've made a strong effort to not make assumptions about people. Now that being said...I kind of have some of my own random stereotypes based on personal experiences. Those are a little harder to break. So today births the new blog topic of Erica's Weird Stereotypes. Today's to share: all Mexican people smell amazing. Seriously. It's the same smell and I can't describe it. It's just fantastic. And whenever I walk in the rooms of my Mexican patients, I always take a deep breathe and wallow in the delightfulness. Told you they were weird. Keep an eye out for the next installment!

Hypocritical Opinion

I'm gonna argue that the world will have actually progressed when I stop constantly finding articles titled "Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Black" or "Celebrities You Never Expected To Be Gay" or "Attractive Celebrities with Unattractive (re:older or overweight) Spouses" or "Famous People You Didn't Know Had Black Spouses." That last one particularly annoys me. But guess what? 50% of the time I'm clicking on the link.

Funny Shiz

RotURs: I thought you were taking aviation lessons and you were gonna start flying yourself places.
Me: I did find a Groupon for flight lessons...Groupon is gonna get me in trouble.
Bob: Absolutely not. I hate to be predictable, but no*
RotURs: Zest for life at half the price


*Always calling himself trying to say no to something. You're not the boss of me!*

Funny

Reba: When will this midlife crisis be over? It's wearing on me.

Me: It's a third life crisis, thanks. Why I gotta die at 64? Also, NEVER!! Or when I run out of money. 

Phone Experiments

So I've been doing all these mini phone experiments cuz I'm trying to wean myself from being so addicted to it. Turns out this is really hard! I totally remember being forced to get a cell phone in 2003 and I only caved because I was sick of having to buy calling cards to make long distance calls. I hated the idea of being so accessible. (I continue to be kind of weird about that. No Twitter or Facebook, but apparently blogging is okay? No one ever accused me of making sense.) Fast forward 12 years and I NEED to have my phone in my hand constantly. Seriously, not having it accessible at all times has become borderline panic inducing. I have chargers in multiple locations, cuz I can't have it die! The thought of driving somewhere and not having a phone on the off chance I get into an accident? Or not being able to map unknown destinations? How can I live??!! And heaven forbid I have to sit somewhere and be bored! I have to check my email and text and play trivia! I have to be doing something at all times!!

Anyways, so the experiments. It's just little things. Not using my phone at work, turning off text notifications, just keeping it turned off for periods of time, limiting how often I check it.  And I know this is all kind of dumb and hypocritical, since I constantly have my iPad. It's just one of my weird things, I guess. Long story long, don't be surprised if there are days when I don't respond to messages or calls. Currently, I've decided that one day a week, I'm completely cut off. No tech devices for 24 hours. Gotta figure out the rules, though. Like if I can't use anything, can't do no tech on a work day. Is television included? Is it no tech devices at all or just no communication? Why am I bothering? Don't know what dumb point I'm trying to prove. Ugh, I need a life. 

You Put Your Phone Down For An Hour And You Get Killed Off

It's always Nelson...

Bob: Wonder if she crashed.
Bob: She seems to have disappeared though.
Nelson: She might be dead. Who knows.
Bob: HAHAHAHAHAHA damn Nelson
RotURs: Awkward if she is. Seriously Nelson.
RotURs: That statement will be her epitaph.
Bob: HAHAHAHAHA
Bob: Erica Monet Wise 1982-2015(?) She might be dead. Who knows.
RotURs: Miss Diamonds 1982-2015 She might be dead. Who knows.
RotURs: It should be read with all of her Ballerfest names through the years.
Nelson: Hahaha. Who knows. Now let's eat cake and tap dance like she she would have wanted.
Bob: Don't forget we have to say mean things about her at the funeral.
Nelson: That ho stole my flannel. Amen.
Bob: And my hockey odyssey t-shirt which she then lost
Nelson: We would all say that bitch and then God bless her.

These are my friends. 

Hilarious

I'm kinda too lazy right now to post the links. But check out Conan O'Brian on YouTube as he gets on Tinder and Grindr. Funny stuff. 

Why Is Nature Against Me?

Today Trivia Crack taught me that hippos give pink milk. Are you fucking kidding me?

Note To Self

If you put tech gloves in the microwave, the fingertips will melt. Who knew? 

Dear Glee,

You make me want to slit my wrists. 

Sincerely,

Erica 

Reward

I will give someone $10,000 if they can tell me how to get my brain to calm the fuck down! Ahhhh, second wind Erica!! And first and third and every other wind!

My New Favorite Thing To Do?

Go around saying "Oh, my" like George Takei. 

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

Why isn't Philadephia the capital of the United States? It's kinda bullshit. 

Life Changing Information

How come no one ever told me that there's an arrow next to the gas symbol in a car that tells you what side the tank is on? In 32 years, none of you thought this would be useful information to have? Bastards. 

The Best Things About Being Less Fat On An Airplane

Flying is so much more comfortable minus 60lbs. I decided to catalogue the benefits on this last flight.

1) I can buckle my seat belt. With room left over. Seriously, a year ago, I was definitely in danger of asking for an extender. Pretty sure my life would have been over.

2) I'm not touching my neighbor. I hate rubbing up against randos. Can I tell you this 100lbs man once asked me if I could move over some? Clearly not, motherfucker. And you're 100lbs! Slide your tiny ass over. 

3) I can cross my legs. This is actually a general weight loss benefit. But so much more satisfying within the confines of a plane. 

4) My belly and thunder thighs don't touch the tray table when it's down. (I hope when it's down. If they were touching while it was up, I had bigger problems. Literally.) So much room! I don't feel Iike a sardine! So glorious! 

In conclusion, don't be fat. It kinda sucks. 

Dear Tony Horton,

Fuck you twice. Also, eat a buffet of dicks. 

Sincerely, 

Erica

Do You Think...?

Do you think hummingbirds are kinda dickish about the fact that they can fly backwards? I bet they are and they'd get jumped by other birds if they weren't so fast.

What's Your Song?

I'm kind of weird and obsessive about music, but does everyone have a song?  Not just a song you really like (see Give Me Everything post).  But a song that totally expresses who you are, like the artist opened a locked vault in your head and exposed you to the world?  I know, I'm kinda dramatic. And I promise, I haven't watched Happy Feet recently.  But that's how I feel every time I hear my song. And it's been on repeat today.  Mine probably seems kinda depressing, but I hear it and love that someone else fucking gets it.  Anyways, I'll share if y'all share...

Is It Weird?

Is it weird that after almost ten years, I still worry that one day I'm gonna walk into a patient's room and have them tell me they prefer to not have a black nurse?

Why Do I Continue To Do This To Myself?

If not previously mentioned (I don't remember everything about which I've run my mouth), I love reading comments and reviews of everything. I never buy anything without reading customer reviews first. And I'm always drawn to the comments after every article I read. Now mind you, Yahoo! is my primary news source. So it's not like the original content is very high quality. But sometimes reading comments really just fucking depresses me. And I haven't exactly been running on rainbows this week as is. Why are people so awful? What is it about hiding behind a computer that makes people feel like it's okay to just spew hate? I don't know, the world is looking bleak, folks. *sigh heavily* Debbie Downer face. Next time, Erica, just say no.

I Take It Back!!!

I take back everything I said about being awake at 2:30 in the morning. Because it was at 2:30am that I discovered the best worst amazing awful hilariously ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. My life!!!!! And you can experience it, too. It's only a click away...

I can't even believe it!!

I don't know what's killing me the most. The general concept, the awful titles, the book covers, or the tweets in the article. Classic. I'm seriously in tears, I can't even. Please read the whole article. It's so worth it.

Oh God!!

Have you ever taken a close up picture of your face with an iPad, sans make-up? All these years, I was under the mistaken impression that I was decent looking. Turns out I am, in fact, a troll. Do I have magic powers? Have I been cloaking this from everyone? Or have y'all just been too nice to tell me to my face? A real friend would have said something. You bastards. Officially moving under a bridge.

You Know What's Not A Good Idea?

Doing the Tootsie Roll while driving.

My Friends Are So Special

A paraphrased conversation:

Jess: Do you like the name Quinn? A friend of mine named her baby that.
Carl: I do.
Megan: I don't like the letter Q. It can't stand alone.
Me: *dying laughing*

Be On Alert

It's been reported that in 2014, a small woman, about 109lbs, went missing. If anyone has any info related to this disappearance, please let me know. Oh. Wait. 109lbs would be the combined amount of weight lost between my cousin Brandy and I in 2014. Boo-yah, bitches!!!

I Heart Dragons And Drag Queens

This statement was made in a conversation I had the other day. I can't in any way tell you how the conversation got to this point.

This Is My Brain On Sugar

I eat something sweet and it seriously feels like little elves in technicolor outfits start dancing around my brain yelling, "Arigato heeeeyyy!!" Real life ones, folks.

You Bitches All Said I Was Crazy!

Check this shit out!

Told y'all you can't trust hippos!. Get tore up if you want to!

Sad Face

It makes me sad that the few people that still read this blog don't post comments anymore. I love your comments!

Awake

2:30am is not a good time to be awake. Your brain does nothing but freak out. Or do all thoughts seem crazy when you're up alone in a silent dark house? I know the urge to run away increases tenfold. Take your ass back to sleep, Erica.

Give Me Everything

Seriously, this song is four years old. And I cannot freaking get enough of it. I listen to it everyday. Every. Day. And just about anyone who has spent an extended period of time with me has experienced me bursting into song and dance whenever it comes on. Doesn't matter where I am. I don't care if I'm alone or in public. No shame, full on dance party. I need to write Pitbull a letter. He has changed my life. Sorry DeBarge, I think "Give Me Everything" has replaced "Rhythm of the Night" as my all time favorite song. Let's have a moment silence...

Hold up, that was a lie. I just watched the "Rhythm of the Night" video five times back to back. That shit has me hype!!! YES!! I love it so much!! Damn, I can't decide now. Are they tied for first place? I don't know!

Really?

Me: Could my shoulders be any broader? I look like a linebacker. I'm trying out for the Packers. *pause* Eh, Green Bay is too cold.

Lexie: Really? That's your only deterrent?

There's A New SuperHERo In Town!!

Her name: Dramaticus!!

Her super powers: hyperbole, looking mad fly, being the best at everything, sassy head and arm movements, talking tall shit, falling out, a smile that lights up a room (obvi)

Check back to hear of her future exploits!!!

Crack-a-lacking

Three things I'd prefer not crack-a-lack:

My driveway
The foundation of my house
My black

I have weird conversations.

The Year Of No Fear

That's right, this year we're going with a theme. The Year of No Fear, bitches! Or should I go with No Fear in '15? Hmmm, I'll think on it. Also, not important. Trying to deal with some deep shit.
For those who don't know me, I am the most cautious person in the world. I'm so concerned with how bad things can go, so worried about potential failure or rejection, that I don't even try. Who wants to live like that? That's bullshit, Alonzo! So it's time to make a change. I mean, I'm fucking 32. Beyond time to have dealt with my own crazy.
Okay, I haven't exactly decided how this is gonna play out. I already have hang gliding and bungee jumping and lots of traveling on the list of things to do this year. But that kind of stuff is easy. It's much harder to work on not believing everyone is a serial killer out to get me. Or that failing at something isn't the end of the world. Or, you know, not assuming failure or rejection is the most likely outcome of trying. The list goes on. I'm nothing if not self-aware. Balls to the wall Erica is hiding in there somewhere! She just needs to come out to play a bit (lot) more.
And obviously, for those who have asked, that is the point of the new tattoo. I'm hard headed. Courage over fear. I needed the permanent visual reminder.

I've mentioned a few times that 2015 will be the year to stop lying to myself. I'm hoping this doesn't become another New Year's lie. I'm sick of my own complaints. Time to get proactive and make changes, not hope that somehow things will happen from the comfort of my couch.


P.S.- Wait! I can't leave y'all hanging and not have an extreme weight loss goal! We're shooting for another 80lbs off in 2015. Unfortunately, there's no cool name for that. Oh, how I miss the days of 90 in '09. 80 in '15 does not have the same ring to it. Damn bitch, just lose the weight already. God!