Meh

I'm a little better. Sleeping all day today will help. A little Electric Sex brought a smile. Especially since I was just talking about how Big Bob always reminds me of the dad from "A Christmas Story."

Merry Christmas, I Guess

I'm officially in Erica Mean Bitter Mode. That's right, capitalized. So those are the best Christmas wishes I can offer.

Erica Facts

• I read magazines backwards.
• I'm usually yelling because I like to be loud, not because I'm angry.
• I abruptly become obsessed with things, but rarely stick with anything long term. I'm like the serial monogamist of material things.
• I fuckin' hate the Smith kids.
• I'm a total Al Bundy. I cannot relax on the couch without one or both hands down the front of my pants. Or pressed between my legs. It's mostly to keep them warm.
• With the exception of Bob, I couldn't tell you what color eyes any of my friends have.
• I'm obsessed with teeth.

Dear Bruno Mars,

Why is your love so needy?

Home Alone

Can I just say that this movie is funny every time I watch it? It's been 20 years, but I can't get enough. And the part I crack up at the most is the scream that Marv makes when that tarantula is crawling on his face. Classic.

Ghost Whisperer

So I caught the last 20 minutes or so of an episode of "Ghost Whisperer." In that twenty minutes, I got the impression that Jennifer Love Hewitt just stares into "empty" space with a deep and meaningful look on her face, while a single tear occasionally falls down her cheek. What pissed me off while watching it was how she relayed the ghosts' information. If my soul is stuck on Earth because I have one last thing I need to say to my loved ones (or my enemies, knowing me), I do not want you paraphrasing. If it's important enough for me to stick around, I wanted that shit quoted verbatim. I got pretty angry.

Megan

While I forgot to mention it, don't think I didn't know it was you who put a "Monster Mash" radio station on my Pandora account.

Happy Birthday-versary, Bernie!

Since Bernie was a rescue, I don't know when his actually birthday is. I got him December 7th last year, so yesterday marked both his 3rd birthday and my 1 year anniversary of having him. While I love him, I mostly learned that having a dog is expensive and Bernie is a general pain in my ass. I probably won't repeat the experience. His gift was a big ham bone, which he sniffed at and dropped, followed by him walking away and falling asleep. Jerk.

?

Who was it that told me they thought Khloe Kardashian looked like Fiona from "Shrek?" Whoever it was, it cracked my ass up.

Observation

Has anyone noticed yet that strings of blog posts tend to occur when I'm doing less than nothing at work?

Inquiry

Apparently the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree has 30,000 energy efficient lights on it. Is it just me, or does the "30,000" part cancel out the "enery efficient" part?

Really?

Not that I think celebrities are above the law, but really, what's the point in charging Willie Nelson with pot possession?

When I'm Old

There are three things I have to have when I'm old.

1. A Rascal. Was there any doubt of this? I'd own one now if I could.
2. A stair lift/chair. Cruisin' up the staircase? Hells yeah!
3. A Med Alert Bracelet. One of the ones that calls 911 automatically if it senses that you've fallen. This is because the odds are high that I'll probably fall down the stairs at some point in my life. Mostly because I walk up the stairs on my tip toes. And I'm not very graceful.

Forget Gatsby

Were you sci-fi/fantasy geeks out there aware that HBO is making a television series from George R.R. Martin's "A Song of Fire and Ice" books? Well, of course you were. But I just found out and I'm hella excited. I was going to cancel HBO until True Blood started again. But now I'll have to hold off. I highly recommend these books, as they have everything: murder, incest, power struggles, lying, deceit, more murder, dragons, the whole shebang. *Note. Let's not forget Gatsby. I'm still pretty excited about that*

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On

This video is totally ridiculous and I laughed way too hard at it. I'm pretty sure everyone else will think it's just dumb, but I invite you to check it out. http://laughingsquid.com/marcel-the-shell-with-shoes-on/

Remake

Am I the only person that's super excited for the remake of "The Great Gatsby?" I loved that movie."I've never seen such beautiful shirts..." Oh, Daisy.

Let's Just Tell Everyone The Story

One morning a pharmacy tech came to the desk looking for a nurse. She looked at the assignment board to check the name, accidentally read the doc's name (which was Diamond) and assumed it was the nurse's first name. In what I believed was a totally racist fashion, she asked me, the only black girl on the floor, if I was Diamond and was so-and-so my patient. I was immediately offended that of everyone present, she had to ask me first if I had a ghetto ass name like Diamond (no offense to any Diamonds out there). Apparently this has been found to be hilarious. And Diamond has now become Miss Diamond(s). And the stories made up about her have become more and more ridiculous and ghetto fabulous.

Ballerfest

This post is a little delayed, but everyone should know that Ballerfest was once again a hot and crispy mess. We laughed, we cried (from laughing), we ate (and ate, and ate, and ate again), we drank, we balled. Two peppers and a salt at Club Don's, leaving Joans fifty e-mails, crashing at 9:30, tormenting each other, getting boned by Wheel of Fortune...these are Vegas memories frozen in time, people! And they continue! Acrobatic epic fails, buffets 'til we popped, highly unflattering pics, and sleeping anywhere I could. Can't wait for Ballerfest '11!!

Concerned

Sometimes I'm concerned that I'm a terrible person.

Silkworms: A Book Report For Haters

A silkworm is essentially the caterpillar stage of a certain type of moth. The Bombyx mori, to be precise. Their preferred diet is mulberry leaves. Silkworms are completely domesticated and can no longer survive or be found in the wild. Silk is produced from their salivary glands. The silk is harvested from the cocoons that take them from silkworm to silkmoth. The silkworm will use enzymes to break out of the cocoon, which are obviously damaging to it. Therefore, the cocoons are boiled to both kill the worms and loosen the silk. In some countries the worms are eaten. A cocoon consists of a single fiber that can measure anywhere from 1000 to 3000 feet long. It takes 2000-3000 cocoons to make one pound of silk. In conclusion, suck my balls. And thank you Wikipedia.

Silkworms

I was thinking about silkworms the other day. How do they work exactly? Does a person have a silkworm farm? Do you hunt for silkworms in the wild or buy them from a breeder? How is the silk harvested? How many silkworms do you need to own to actually make a profit? Are there different species of silkworm that produce different grades of silk, or is that part based on how the silk is harvested? What's done to silk to transform it from it's raw state? Is there a way to suspend them in the silk producing stage, or do you just have to accept the fact that eventually you'll have an ass load of moths flying around? Some research is in order.

Hmmm

I always wonder how the adult actors on kid shows feel about their careers. Are you happy on Blue's Clues or The Wiggles? How about one of the Disney or Nickelodeon shows? Do you think of these shows as stepping stones to some great career?I'm not saying these things aren't possible. I'm just curious. And if you say you're satisfied, don't you think that everyone secretly believes you're lying?

Traffic Report

Every morning the guy doing the traffic reports offers people the opportunity to call in if they see any problems. He always phrases it as " If you see a problem, call..." Every time he starts with "If you see a problem," I finish the statement with, "Yo I'll solve it, check out my hook while the deejay revolves it."And then I laugh to myself. If he every actually completed his report with Vanilla Ice lyrics, I'm pretty sure I'd run off the road from laughing so hard.

Number One Pet Peeve

My all time number one pet peeve? There is a sign clearly indicating that a lane is going to end and you need to merge. People like myself see that sign and merge immediately. And then there are those motherfuckers that zoom past in the closing lane anyways and then try to cut in at the front. Hell to the no. I will ride bumper to bumper to make sure they don't have a window. I just want to ram them off the road. Grrrr! I cannot think of anything else that makes me as instantly furious as this does.

Happy Anniversary!

As of October 19th, my blog is two years old. I never commit to anything. Who would've thought I'd actually keep up with this? Though is it really that surprising, considering writing here is the equivalent of me talking just to listen to the sound of my own voice?

Cosmetic Surgery

I need eyelid surgery. I have enough skin on my eyelids to cover a whole new set of eyes. I can't wear eye shadow, because it gets cakes up in my fatty eyelid folds. It's disgusting and I hate them. And I don't care what any of you say. I do ask y'all not to blatantly stare at their grotesqueness when you next see me.

Me Being Violent Again

I want to key the next car I see with a "Coexist" bumper sticker on it.

Cookie Monster

I don't appreciate that Cookie Monster now makes healthy food choices. If you go to Sesame Street's website (don't ask why I was there) and look up his likes, it says he enjoys crunchy fruits and vegetables. Though it does still say that cookies are his favorite food. And he did sing the healthy foods song back in the day. Which I sadly still know most of the words to.

The Hunger Games

I just started Suzanne Collins' sci-fi series. I'm only on page 40 of "The Hunger Games' and it's amazing. So amazing, I'm actually going to try to read the book all the way through, without reading the last chapter or the summary on Wikipedia. That's right.

I Have To Have It!

Has anyone seen the infomercial for the EZ Cracker? While the commercial itself is ridiculous, because only a moron can't crack an egg without getting shell into the bowl, I still need it. It has an attachment that separates the yolk from the white. Amazing. Watch here:http://www.ezcracker.com/

Random Thoughts

• One of my favorite hobbies is to ignore people when they make leading statements. Or say something to themselves just a little too loudly, because they want a reaction. If you want to tell me or ask me something, just spit it out.
• There should be more places where I can go to get pie. They should also sell a variety of cobblers and crisps.
• I like to torment my dog. If he runs to the front door, I purposely go in the back. I grab his tail because it pisses him off. Sometimes I get him super excited, then tell him to go away.
• It really bugs me when books are re-released and the new covers are from the movie.
• I hate my walnut tree more than anything on this earth.
• I totally park in the expectant mothers parking space all the time. Who's gonna have the nerve to accuse me of just being fat?
• The thought of a male Brazilian horrifies me. The wax, not the human being.
• I will never get into an enclosed water slide because I'm convinced I'll get stuck and they'll need a crane to get me out.
• Why do television shows feel the need to tell me that they're filmed in front of a live studio audience? I don't care.

Fool Me Once, Shame On You

Bernie fooled me twice and the shame is definitely on me. For some reason I thought it'd be okay to keep the bread on the counter again instead of in the cabinet. Apparently Bernie was okay with this decision, as he once again ate the entire loaf. I didn't get one bloody slice.

Epic Fail

Weight Watchers and I apparently just aren't friends anymore. Can we say Whopper for breakfast?

I'm Over It

I promise not to eat anyone's face if they try to talk to me. And I've yet again made my frequent vow to be a nicer person. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

I Scream, You Scream

Have you ever just wanted to scream uncontrollably for no reason? Except that you can and that you hate the world? (I'm a real Debbie Downer right now)

Warning

Maybe I should have made it clear to everyone that I'm in the world's worst fucking mood this week. I would highly suggest that I be left the fuck alone. Try me on Monday; I may not eat your face off.

Let's Exclaim!

I hate authors that excessively use exclamation points! Why is everything so exciting?! In the series I'm reading now (young adult fantasy novels, of course!) the author uses them in every conversation! Can we tone it down, please?! Maybe it's a British thing!

Nature Hates Me

A stupid bird got stuck in my three season porch today. I hate birds. Why is nature intent on ambushing me? And it took the stupid bastard forever to get out. Hello birdie, those are windows! Fly out the fuckin' door I propped open for you!

A Doggy Friend

There has been some debate over whether or not Bernie needs a doggy pal. I've been skeptical. We already have a routine and we're so lazy and that bastard is so expensive. Do we really need another dog, especially in a house that's barely 1000 square feet? Well, I was searching on Petfinder this morning. And this guy is so perfect that I'm seriously considering adopting him. Check out Archie: http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/16176660. Isn't he so cute? And he only has one eye! He could be a pirate for Halloween! He has one eye and Bernie has cataracts; they're a match made in heaven. Hmmm....

$340

That's the cost of peace of mind, i.e. getting my house sealed up to prevent mice from getting in. My awesome overtime paycheck lasted about 12 hours. Though now I have to deal with knowing that I'm sealed in with any remaining mice. Ugh.

My Life Is Over

I have now caught two mice in my basement. That is two mice too many. And the second one was bigger than the first, so there is probably a whole family of them breeding in the basement and I feel like they're crawling on me right now and I want to move. A website said if you have one you have more but I didn't want to believe it. My house is getting cleaned to within an inch of it's life ASAP! And is it unreasonable, after two mice, to call Critter Control and have them come de-mouse and seal my house? I seriously want to vomit. What if one gets in my bed? Or falls on me from somewhere? Do mice have Spiderman feet and can climb things? Can they climb stairs? They're probably in the walls! Ew, ew, ew, ew ,ewww!!!!

Opinion

I've already gotten a lot of rejection letters, but I'm thinking I may dread my hair after I'm done with my braids. What do we think?

How I Could've Set My House On Fire

I may have been trimming the hedges. And I may have not noticed that the extension cord was lying in the bush, in my path. So I may have powered right through it. And it may have sparked within the greenery. I guess I'm lucky the bushes weren't that dry and that spark wasn't a little bigger.

Sesame Street

According to Wikipedia, there have been 4,212 episodes of Sesame Street over the last 40 years. That means each letter of the alphabet has sponsored 162 episodes. Impressive.

Can I Own This?

Pretty please with sugar on top? http://www.etsy.com/listing/50906789/collapsible-fire-hoop-with-5-spines?ref=fp_feat_3

Dear Neighbors

I'm sorry that I walked my dog wearing short shorts and subjected you all to my cottage cheese thighs. But according to the heat index, it's fucking hot.

In My Opinion...

What? I like to share my opinions? And by share, I mean shove them down people's throats. Any who, in my opinion some people just look bettter fat, health risks aside. Have you seen Drew Carey lately? Not okay. Chub was just his look. In somewhat related news, I kinda think short chubby balding men are cute. My top two examples would be Jason Alexander (obviously) and Ian Gomez from "Cougar Town." I'd totally hook up with Ian Gomez, actually.

Question

Who cares if the top of a soap pump has germs all over it, as you literally wash your hands immediately after touching it?

I Lied

I have three things to rant about.

• Fuck you, State Farm! You and your commercials...talk to your neighbors, State Farm has 40 million customers, call an agent. Well, I was one of those customers before I was kicked off for being too reckless a driver. So you can kiss my shiny metal ass, State Farm Insurance!
• The new iPhone commercials are killing me on the inside. Yes, I'd tell my baby daddy we were having our first child over the phone, since it has a cool new forward facing camera. And it would be totally easy to use sign language with one hand. I'm glad this phone exists to help me share all the most important moments in my life. Suck it, iPhone.
• I love the Old Spice commercials. I think that guy is hilarious. Not really a rant, more of a statement.

Weird Thought

I want to suck all the spiders in my house into my vacuum. And then leave them all in there in a survival of the fittest battle. I'd come back like a week later and see who won. Then I'd promptly kill that spider, as it's clearly a mutant.

Sorry Again

Sorry about the lack of posts. My life has been incredibly boring lately. And I've been ranting over the same old same old, nothing angry and new.

This Happened

I actually sat and watched an entire Larry the Cable Guy movie. And was cracking my shit up.

Still Hating People For No Reason

Or at least for shallow reasons. I truly hate Justin Bieber's face. And that stupid ass hair. Cut that shit off. Why do you have bangs? And his voice bugs me. I refuse to know anything else about him, otherwise I'm sure there would be more to hate.

Chicken

I played chicken with a baby bunny on my way home from work today. I won. The little furry bastard apparently didn't like a car barreling towards him. Nothing like pitting an SUV against a defenseless creature to grow some hair on your chest. And before anyone asks how I could possibly try to harm a cute little bunny (btw, I fucking hate bunnies), I'd like it to be noted that his ass had no business being in the street.

I Feel

I feel that if a person takes the risk of letting their cat roam the street unattended, then my dog has the right to try and eat it.

You Know You Work Night Shift...

...if you pray that every light turns red so you can get in a few 30 second naps on the way home.

Officially Christened

Yeah! My new car is finally named! The moment you've all been waiting for...my new RAV4's name is....Priscilla! Don't ask me why. I was pulling into the driveway and started to call her Dory, and realized that Dory was no longer with me (a tear). The first name that popped into my head after that was Priscilla. It only took me three months to come up with. If you don't like it, I don't care.

Yum

There are a lot of razor fine soccer players. I don't read any of the articles I see everyday, but I'm sure enjoying looking at the pictures.

Sorry Friends

Facebook deactivated. Antisocial people shouldn't be on social networks.

I Fuckin' Hate IKEA

There are too many reasons to list, but I'll try. First off, I just spent 2 1/2 hours putting together a fuckin' cart. And I died a little inside. Goddamn wood splitting, extra ass pieces and shit. And I understand that you get what you pay for, but I'd pay ten extra dollars IF YOU'D PUT SOME LABELS ON SHIT!!! AND USE SOME FUCKING WORDS IN YOUR DIRECTIONS!!!! I shouldn't have to identify pieces of wood by looking at goddamn pictures and matching them up. All the labels need to be are letters and the corresponding letters should be on the diagram. I'm not a goddamn toddler! I can identify the letters of the alphabet!! Y'all might as well hire some fuckin' mimes to act out how to put this stupid shit together. And to make it worse, I still have to put the fuckin' desk and hutch together. Can you tell this is upsetting me, just a bit? The only positive to this situation is that I caught up on all the "iCarly" episodes I had on DVR. Grrrr!!!! Also, pardon my language.

FYI

For all you lame-os that didn't go, Aqua Zumba was hilariously awesome. I love kickin' it with old ladies in the pool. I'll be back every week.

Hating People For No Reason

Do you know who I'm really gonna hate in the coming years? Jaden Smith. Actually, let's just say the entire Smith clan.

Unacceptable

People that think giant lettuce leaves are an acceptable substitute for bread should be beat up.

I Won't Lie

"Glee" kinda made me cry tonight. There is no shame in that. Well, a little shame.

Confessions Of A Disgusting Woman

Don't feel ashamed of the disgusting things you might do. I probably do them all. Doing one of them the other day made me decide to share, actually. Let's do it.

• Sometimes I pee in the shower. I hate peeing right after I get out because I then think the water on my legs is pee. If I do it in the shower, I just soap up again afterwards.
• I've gone as long as four days without showering. Pretty sure I did that a few weeks ago.
• Sometimes tissue just doesn't cut it and you have to pick your nose. There is no shame in it. Just wash your hands after.
• When I bite my nails, I totally just spit them out, no matter where I am. Classy.
• I believe expiration dates on food are just opinions. Stuff doesn't spoil. If you believe in the myth that things do spoil, I suggest you read all the labels at my house before eating anything.
• I totally look at the tissue after I blow my nose. Just curious.

These are just a few disgusting things I do. I'm positive there are more.

My Current Favorite Song

"Bulletproof" by La Roux. I heard it for the first time a month ago, and I'm loving it. Yes, I'm aware that I'm about a year late. But we all know I have Hoobastank Syndrome. I totally recommend a download. I have a bad habit of downloading whole albums based on one song...and I'll probably be doing that again.

Dammit!

You know that stupid tiny piece of dangling skin between your two front teeth? Actually, this may only be recognized by people with gaps. But anyways, I accidentally ripped the damn thing off again. So I have that raw area between my teeth that I can't not worry constantly with my tongue. Curse you, Aqua-Scum!!!

My New Favorite Words

Taciturn and slag. Look out for these words being used in conversation. Taciturn is just a good word and I just like how it sounds. Slag will be my new replacement for ho. How can you not use a word that sounds like slut and hag combined? And in honor of this new word, I will be calling Megan "Slagathor" from now on. Not because she's a slut or a hag (well, she can kinda be a hag, hahaha) but because she's the only person know who'll get that reference.

Matthew Broderick...

...has the worst sideburns ever. I just see them and wish I could punch him in the face. He looks like he really wants muttonchops but is making himself hold back. Why do I let these things bother me?

Forced At Knifepoint

Rachel took a knife to my jugular and made me join Facebook. I vowed to never, ever, ever join Facebook. I'm highly ashamed of myself. Kill me now.

Thanks Bunches!!!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!!! And everyone who came out on Thursday. I had a kickass time!! Twenty-eight is gonna be the best year yet! Meh, probably not.

How?

I know that you can randomly scroll through blogs and find ones you like. But seriously, how do I have 60 followers? I'm sure there are other blogs that have hundreds upon hundreds of followers, and that 60 isn't all that many. But dude, in my daily life I doubt I know 60 people. Unless you know me, I'm really not that interesting. And the people who know me would probably tell you I'm kind of a pain in the ass. I'm just funny sometimes. And speak my mind way too often. I mean, thanks for following my blog and all, peeps. It validates that I'm super awesome. Well, to 60 people at least. Always to myself.

eHarmony

So I told myself I was gonna to fill out a profile on eHarmony. This is mostly because I accepted the fact that I probably won't meet anyone any other way due to the fact that 1) I'm antisocial 2) I don't leave my house and 3) I'm a nut job. Trying to get my friends to hook me up with anyone was a bust (You're all worthless to me! But please still come out for my birthday on Thursday!!! Drunk Erica is pretty hilarious!) But despite saying I was going to fill it out, I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't wanna! Why can't I meet someone at the grocery store, or while I'm out with the dog, or something? For the most part I don't drink (hey, just in Vegas and on my birthday), so I'd rather not meet anyone in a bar. Good luck meeting a nondrinker in Wisconsin, where our motto is "A bar on every corner." And it's not like I'm looking for the love of my life. I mostly just want someone to kick it with, maybe do some light traveling. Well, I'd also like to get laid regularly. That's not asking for much. A little friends with bennies. Come on Universe, hook me up! I'll leave my house more often, I promise. I'll try to tame my weirdness when I meet people. Still working on that eHarmony thing though...

DUDE!!

I'm totally gonna send out and e-mail, I promise. But what are we gonna do for my birthday? May 20, bitches! That's next Thursday. I'm procrastinating, as always. Does anyone have any suggestions on a good place to go for dinner and drinks? We could even do tapas or something. I've gotten one vote so Samba, which is delicious but a little pricey. Any other suggestions? Only cool people need respond.

Howdy!!

Hello, my friends at work!! How much do you all miss me? I bet it's lots and lots!!!

OMG!

Bernie weighed in at 140lbs!! That's insane. He was 125lbs in December! It's time to use fat euphemisms on him: he's big boned, it's all muscle, etc. And his teeth are so janky he needs to get sedated and have them cleaned by the vet next week. There goes the rest of my paycheck.

You Bother Me

Women that wear leather jackets and think that makes them totally badass are extremely irritating. That being said, I totally can't wait to rock my vintage leather Shaft jacket this fall.

Words Of Advice

Don't shave in the shower in the dark. You tend to miss spots.

I Was Thinking

Which we all know is dangerous. But I was wondering, if something happened and I lost one of my senses, would I rather be blind or deaf? Taste, smell, and touch are too much a part of the eating experience for me to even think about losing them. First, let's knock on wood. But after much deliberation, I think I'd rather be deaf. Which is surprising, considering I sing constantly and I just love running my mouth and being in everybody's business. But when I think of being blind, I imagine all the places in the world I want to see. I don't want anyone describing that shit to me. It'd just piss me off. And I'd totally become a master lip reader so I can still be in everyone's business.

Epic Friendship Fail

My best friend of 14 years has ended our friendship due to my buying Bernie a raincoat. While I knew this day would come, I didn't think it'd be over something as awesome as the yellow slicker he'll be pimpin'. Let's all have a moment of silence for a friendship that was both odd and dysfunctional.

Stoned

I bent down too early to pick up his poop, and Bernie kicked a rock in my face. Though I'm pretty sure he waited until I was in position and did it on purpose. Bastard.

Why I'm An Awful Person

One day while out walking Bernie I want a little kid to ask me if he/she can pet him. And I want to respond, "Sure, Bernie loves kids.....for breakfast." And then I'd laugh at their screams of terror. I can't lie, I'm kinda chuckling just thinking about it. And what do I do for a living, you ask? Yes, I am a pediatric nurse.

Sigh Heavily

I can't think of a name for my car. Dory, may she be in peace wherever she is, had the best name ever. How do I follow that? And I can't tell if it's a male or female car, so that's part of my problem (along with giving inanimate objects names; for example, my bike, The Pink Lady). Maybe it's androgynous and I should name it Ziggy Stardust.

Something I Noticed

Did you know that mailboxes, like the standard ones on the curb, say "Approved by the Postmaster General" on them? For some reason I find this intriguing. So whenever I'm walking in neighborhoods with curbside boxes, I have to look for it. Don't ask me why I find this so interesting.

Random Question

Why do microwaves have popcorn buttons when it says right on the bag "do not use popcorn button?" Though I totally do all the time.

Liar

I'm pretty sure I'm going to lie on my driver's license renewal form and say I weigh less than 200lbs, in hopes that someday soon I actually will. I won't write in anything absurd, like saying I weigh 150. But I think I can pass for 190-195lbs, so that's what I'm going for. Even though 190 is 28lbs away and best case scenario, I might be there by mid-fall. Sigh heavily. "72 in '10" sucks balls.

Check It Out

Go to the side bar and check out xkcd's new comic today. Hilarious!

Another Old Rant

If I was the Trix rabbit I'd tell those kids to fuck off and that I can eat as much goddamn cereal as I want. And the next time one of them said "Trix are for kids," I'd respond with, "Well, my fist is for bustin' you in your smart-ass mouth." This rant has been resurrected because I've been watching TeenNick a lot more (iCarly rocks!), so I see the commercial all the time. And when I say old rant, I'm pretty sure I've been complaining about this since high school.

Honesty

We were talking about this at work and I wanted to share this with everyone. Please don't discuss your baby's possible names with me if you don't want to hear my honest opinion. If the name is awful, I'm going to tell you so. This shouldn't come as news, as I must have an opinion on everything. Though I guess I can try not to offer my opinion if it isn't solicited. And while we all know in the long run (or the short run, for that matter) that my opinion doesn't count for much, I don't want people giving me attitude when I tell them what everyone else is probably thinking but too polite to say. We all know being polite is a character flaw with which I do not struggle (check out that grammar, right?).

I Caved

I told myself the heat was officially off for the year, despite the fact that I've been wearing wool socks and a fleece robe over my sweatpants and long sleeve shirt to bed every night. Well, then it decided to snow in April and when I got home this morning it was 58 degrees. Even the dog's fur felt cold. Yeah, so the heat was promptly turned back on to 70. Ahhh, blessed warmth! Though I'm still bundled up, minus the robe.

Obsessed Much?

I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with chap stick. I find it everywhere: in random coat pockets, various purses, the pockets of my robes, in my bed, in my car, in kitchen drawers. I think that's overkill. Though my lips remain lovely and well moisturized.

Notice

If I ever mention having children, the person closest to me has permission to slap me in the face. Repeatedly.

XM Radio

I want to have it's babies. Rachel was a little thrown by this statement. Mostly because we all know I want to have Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's babies. But I have to say, XM Radio currently ranks as the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, I'm aware of how sad this makes my life.

Woo-hoo!!

I shouldn't tempt fate or Wisconsin weather, but I think it's pretty safe to say that I survived my first winter as a homeowner. Aside from that tree branch taking out my electricity with the first blizzard and some minor gutter damage, the house and I are relatively unscathed. Tip for next year: actually remember to close the storm windows so my heating bill isn't sky high.

A Brief Conversation Between Bernie and I

• "Bernie. Sit." Bernie sits appropriately.

• "Good boy! You are so smart!"

• "Thank you. I'm also very handsome."

This same conversation occurs pretty much every morning when I'm putting his lease on for our walk. Can we say vain much?

Really? Really?

Seriously, Ricky Martin? I'm really hoping you don't expect us to be shocked because you've finally come out of the closet. I'm not gonna lie, I read that online and just bust out laughing. Sorry to make light of your emotional journey, but I did not expect to see that when I opened my Yahoo! page. Good stuff. Better late than never, I guess.

Work Rocks

Today a 4-year-old cussed me out. Being a nurse is a joy.

Yeah...

So I kinda...maybe... might have bought a new car on Friday. Mostly because of my dog. And I was just ready for a new car. Maybe I should start leasing, as I clearly get bored after a few years. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop spending money?!?! I just love stuff so much.

The Princess and the Frog

I LOVE it. I've already watched it twice today, and then went back and listened to all my favorite songs two or three times. Ahh, proving once again that when it comes to maturity, I'm about 6-years-old.

Zooey Deschanel

I really don't care for her. Seriously, how can you be considered a talented actress when you essentially play yourself in every movie you've been in? Ooh, I'm playing the quirky, off-beat, whimsical alternative chick. Wow, way to show off those acting chops. Lame.

Sunset Daze

Apparently We TV has come up with a new show that's essentially "The Real World" but with old people. Though I think it takes place in a retirement village or something, not one house. And each person has a label, like "the ex-nun" and "the playboy" and "the wild one." I have no words. I'm all for old people handling their business, she said euphemistically, but do I want to watch it on tv? Not really... maybe...we'll see. But it starts soon, for those who don't want to miss it. And I find it hilarious that it's being advertised during a "Golden Girls" marathon. Am I part of their target audience, as I love "Golden Girls"?

The Front Seat

Someone, who shall remain nameless (Bertram Cornelius), decided he could fit in the front seat of a 2-door Honda Civic. And rode that way all the way home, with his butt on the seat, his paws on the floor, and his head on the dashboard or laying on the window. And lucky me, because he weighs 125lbs, the stupid seat belt alarm kept going off the whole way. Awesome.

A Bit of Hilarity

The following conversation occurred between my brother and I today:

• Me: "I think my next dog will be a Shar Pei."
• JD:"What's a Shar Pei?"
• "You know, one of those wrinkly-faced dogs."
• "A pug?"
• "No."
• "A bulldog?"
• "No, a Shar Pei."
• "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. A Shar Pei isn't a dog, it's a marker."

Can I tell you that I laughed for about 5 minutes?

My Bad

Sorry it's been a while folks. But, shock of all shocks, I really don't have much to say.

Today...

I hate my dog. And want to send him to the glue factory.

I Heart Ludacris

It is my belief that you can make any song better just by featuring Ludacris.

That's Your Favorite Song?

Isn't it funny that of all the songs to choose from, if you asked and I really thought about it, my all time favorite song would be "Rhythm of the Night," by DeBarge? Really? I couldn't pick anything better? But I frickin' love that song! I get happy whenever I hear it. I was three it came out. Well, DeBarge, be happy knowing someone out there still loves and appreciates you.

Hilarity At Shopko

I'm at Shopko for an eye exam. After I'm done, I cruise around the store for a few minutes. Well, I'm browsing in the book section, which is located right behind electronics. All of a sudden this women starts calling for help. It didn't really register with me at first, I just vaguely noticed it. Then she starts increasing in volume, calling "Help, help, somebody help me!" It was then that it kinda clicked that this woman is calling for help, something could totally be wrong, and I'm a nurse who is just standing here reading the backs of books. So I dart around the corner to see what's wrong. And it's a woman standing next to one of those customer service phones near electronics. And she's tried to call someone to her area, but no one came. So she thought it'd be more effective to just stand there yelling for help until someone showed up. The point where I just lost it was when she goes, "Help, help! Does anybody work here? I'm not leaving!" It was some funny stuff. I just couldn't believe that bitch was just standing there hollering.

Check It Out

Check out the new xkcd link. Doesn't this totally sound like me? God, I want to punch somebody. As usual, not for any particular reason. Just to see what it feels like.

Product Review:Dyson Ball

This is hands down the best thing I've ever bought in my life. This vacuum sucks like a high priced call girl. I vacuum pretty obsessively and I still got a whole canister's worth of crap out of my rug. And not just dog hair, but a shit load of dust and digustingness. It was awesome. And it works great on the wood floor, too. Knowing that I ever walked on my floor in bare feet gives me the willies.Totally and completely worth the cost, which I won't mention. Let's just say I went on a bit of a spending spree this weekend and the vacuum became a large part of that.

So....

I kinda passed my telemetry test. Maybe my response was a bit overblown. Though I felt that way at the time.

The Crowd Goes Wild!!

Back for their annual winter appearance, your favorite band and mine, it's.....FUNKY WINTER LIP RASH!!!!!! So, that might not make sense to most of you. Background story: every winter, for a few days, my lips get super dry and turn bright red and rashy looking. It's totally gross and nothing helps. I was complaining about it one day and referred to it as my funky winter lip rash. A former coworker said it sounded like the name of a hard rock 80s hair band. So now, every time I get it, I say that Funky Winter Lip Rash is touring again. I'm weird. I accept this.

Why...

... do people say 'needless to say' before they say what doesn't need saying? I mostly ask because I've used this phrase twice today. And I may have heard this same argument on tv. God, I really need spring to come.

I Still Can't Sit Down

Why, do you ask? Because my asshole is still sore after being raped by that telemetry test. Yet again, Erica learns that she needs to stop putting shit off until the last minute. Though let's be honest, it's gotten me by for 27 years. Why actually put forth my best effort now?

A Mountain Dog? Really?

Bernie and I were walking this morning and he saw this 5 foot pile of snow that he felt he just had to climb. Not considering it's been warm and that the snow was crumbly and hollowed out in spots. Can I tell you how hilarious it was when he started climbing up and totally busted his junk? This was his best fall yet: all four legs totally splayed out, head in the snow. And the look on his face was priceless. To give him his due, he got up and kept climbing. Good stuff. What a dope.

Hilarious

Check out my cousin, Amir. He's rockin' it out to "Thriller." It's good stuff. He's so into it, it cracks me up. And that would be my aunt and cousin rolling laughing in the background.

Ahh, Winter

It's getting to be that time of year where I hate everything and everyone. I want nothing more than to spew anger, bitterness and violence into everybody's face. We're going to call it Seasonal Affective Disorder instead of being a bitch. In related news, I definitely think I'm going to try karate lessons. I feel it would be a good outlet in which to channel my rage.

*Gasp*

I was on the RuPaul's Drag Race website tonight. And you can totally upload a photo of yourself and get "dragulated". I don't know about y'all, but as I tend to consider myself a gay man in a woman's body, I must know what I look like as a drag queen. In related news, I must own this t-shirt: http://shop.logoonline.com/RuPauls-Drag-Race-Dont-F-It/M/B003625MM0.htm

Snickers Fudge

I shouldn't have. But I did. And I only marginally regret it.

Ewww

Did anyone watch "How I Met Your Mother" last week? When we discover all the toothbrush sharing that's been going on? That shit is gross. I don't care if you've been married for 30 years and your mouth has been in places that have never seen the light of day. Afterwards, you need to brush your nasty ass mouth with your own toothbrush. I apologize for the visual images I've induced in order to voice my opinion.

Honeymoon

The "New Dog Honeymoon" phase of my relationship with Bernie is officially over. We're now into the "Everything You Do is Irritating the Piss Out of Me" stage. Feed me , walk me, pick up my poop. Yes, Bernie, please wake me up at 6:30 in the morning just to say hi. That's awesome. Yes, Bernie, I understand that it's time for breakfast. May I please pee for 30 seconds without you whining and pacing outside the door? Oh yeah, Bernie! It makes perfect sense walk into traffic when a car is coming. Stellar idea!! Serenity now.

Rent

Does anyone want to see "Rent" with me this weekend? Since someone we won't name (Rachel)bailed on me and ignored my text message yesterday, I'm shopping for takers. There are really good orchestra seats available at the matinee on Sunday for $70. Ultimately, I have no problem going by myself. But I thought I'd see if anyone was interested. I could also do Friday or Saturday night, but the seat aren't as good. Think about it, peeps! Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp are on this tour! (I'm excited despite feeling that they're a little old for "Rent' and need to find new jobs). I don't want to hear the excuse that you've seen it already (Carley). Everyone has seen it already, but it still comes back to Madison every year. Julie, we could do brunch, followed by 'Rent.' Doesn't that sound like an awesome Sunday? And I don't think it's pathetic that I'm asking via blog. It's just more efficient then sending out individual e-mails and text messages. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I Hate You, Entertainment Weekly

You and your stupid Must List. Always giving me ideas about shit to download and games to play and books to read. You've officially gone too far! Did you have to provide me with a game of Tetris that's even more addictive than the original? And that I suck at more? Why do you do these things to me?! Everyone must become enslaved! http://www.firstpersontetris.com FYI, this is not blocked at work. At least, not yet.

It Must Be Said

I love "Glee"more than anything and anybody. Can you tell I just watched the last episode?

Wow. Really?

I watched a documentary on ironing yesterday. I think it was specifically about traditional gender roles in Louisiana women. But that being said, it was 30 minutes about ironing. What types of irons the women preferred, why ironing was so important to them, the right way to iron a shirt, how they quietly judge other women if their husbands and kids don't have well ironed clothes. I was entranced. I couldn't turn the channel. Is this really what my life has come to? I need to get out more.

Still Bugging Me After 10 Years

The song "Jumpin' Jumpin" by Destiny's Child came on the radio the other day. And after 10 years the lyrics still bug me. To refresh some of your memories (though come on, who doesn't know the lyrics?) the song opens with "Ladies leave your man at home/The club is full of ballers and their pockets full grown/And all you fellas leave your girl with her friends/Cause it's eleven thirty and the club is jumpin', jumpin'" clearly this bothers me, because it implies that everyone in the club is there cheating on their significant other. Are their any single people there? Shameful. Catchy tune, though.

Kudos To Megan

Y'all have become pretty crappy blog followers. We all know I need frequent feedback to improve my self-worth and I'm just not getting it anymore. Only Megan stands out as someone who frequently offers hilariously awesome comments on my posts. So kudos to Megan, she wins the coveted title of #1 blog follower. That being said, there are some that discuss my blog with me face to face. Your contributions are appreciated. There isn't really a prize associated with this. Though I am bring butter pecan turtle bars to work tomorrow.

The Name

I've decided that Bernie needs a full, formal name. I'm thinking Bertrum Cornelius Wise. What do we think? Kickass, right?

Mark Your Calendars!!!

Season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race is back on LOGO February 1st. Holla!!!

Happy Birthday, Bobbles!!

It's the start of the Bob's 28th year!! Sorry, I had to say that in a way that made you sound as old as possible. YEAH!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Also, I'm aware that this would have been more effective and meaningful if 1) I had actually remembered on my own that today was your birthday and 2) if I had posted this at midnight, instead of at the end of the day. Oh well, hope it rocked!!

Really?

So Cottonelle has commercials and a RollPoll online where you can vote on whether you roll your toilet paper over or under. Seriously? I understand it's just a marketing technique, but this is ridonkulous. Though I can't lie, some of the commercials are pretty funny. And that being said, clearly you roll over. No contest. And nice try Cottonelle, I'm still using Charmin toilet paper. Creepy bears wiping their butts in the woods just do it for me, I guess. Well that and I love Mega Rolls.

Shrek

We all know I sometimes have a problem suspending reality for Disney movies (refer back to the 11/8/08 post about Simba and Nala being incestuous). So my current question won't surprise you. Do you think kids that watch and love the "Shrek" movies now will later in life, once they know about the birds and the bees, question how a donkey and a dragon would mate? At least the dragon is female and the donkey male. Cuz if things were the other way around, you'd have a female donkey speared in half.

Resolutions 2010

A week into the New Year and I haven't declared my resolutions yet. For shame! Let's first recap last year's resolutions. Kind of a bust. Of my seven goals, I accomplished two: buying a house and getting a dog. Some would say reaching these goals was a big deal. I disagree. It's numbers that count, and 2/7 sucks. I failed to learn to play the guitar, find a new hobby, curb my spending/get out of debt, take impromptu trips, and lose 90 pounds. I did lose 18, but again, not good enough. So, time for 2010 goals!! We'll start with the repeats, then add a few new ones.

1. Take impromptu trips. It's coming back! I arranged my schedule throughout the year in a way that I have a week off like every other month. Must take advantage.
2. 72 in '10. Yeah... not quite as catchy as 90 in '09, but it is what it is. And don't suggest 10 in '10, cuz that is a pathetic goal.
3. I still need a new hobby. Something non-sedentary, if anyone has any suggestions.
4. And I guess I should continue to work to minimize my debt and spending. I actually got into more debt last year.

Alright, new goals:

1. Accomplish at least two home fix-it projects. Details to come.
2. Get involved in some kind of community service.
3. Be nicer. I don't really want to be nicer, but I guess it's a worthy goal to strive for. And this goes against the goal I shared with Bob last week, which was to actually become bitchier.

I can't think of anything else. I feel like I should have more new goals. Anyways, here's the top 7 of 2010. And...break!!