Christmas

So unfortunately friends, my holiday wasn't as kickass as Thanksgiving was. I just worked all week. Though I did make chocolate chip pancakes for Christmas breakfast that were very yummy. I thought I'd make up for a lame Christmas in the hospital by having a huge kickass shopping extravaganza on Friday. Yeah, that didn't really work out the way I'd planned. I had the awesome embarrassing pleasure of having another fake heart attack!! In the middle of Land's End!! Didn't see that plot twist coming, did you? For those who don't know, I had a fake heart attack this summer and the docs didn't find anything wrong and sent me on my merry way. Well, tada bitches!! It's back. So picture me, talking to this little old lady cashier, and suddenly sweating and clutching my chest and asking where an emergent care was. I clearly couldn't drive myself so instead they have to call an ambulance. And not just that, the fire dept responded; they sent a whole show for me. It rocked (or something like that). So I spent my holiday extravaganza evening right back in the hospital in the ED. Another EKG, another chest x-ray, some labs. What do you know, there is nothing wrong with my heart and I don't have any clots. I just have some random ass chest pain and an expensive ass ambulance bill. And there goes my holiday check. Good stuff. Super big shout out to Leslie for coming to pick me up from the ED and taking me back to my car. And for going to Land's End with me. Dude, I didn't get to finish my transaction but I didn't want to terrify them by showing up by myself. All in all, Merry Christmas.

Fatitude

So, my fellow fat people. Do you ever think about how some things are just so much better when you do them with other fat people? The two that immediately come to mind being clothes shopping and eating. You don't feel self-conscious, it's just a good time. And do you ever meet certain skinny people and something about them lets you know that they know other fat people? And not just as an acquaintance, cuz everyone knows someone who's fat. But like a close friend or family member. You kinda just feel fat person comfortable around them. And you never ask them directly, but later on, if you meet/see said family member or friend you're totally aren't surprised. You just feel your intuition has been validated. Am I crazy or do other people feel this way? And I will make an exception to my first comment and say that hanging out with skinny people that both know fat people and eat like a fat person hiding in a skinny body are acceptable companions (re:Bob).

Do You Think...

...that people are morbid enough, in this day and age, that if hanging again became an official government form of execution, people would have hanging parties, like back in the day? Back in the day meaning like 16th century England and whatnot. At a hanging, you'd bring the whole family, a picnic and rotten veggies to throw. Good family fun. We act all horrified by that now, but I wonder if that's really the case.

A Little Odd

Okay, so this is kinda random. But do you know what really interests me? Names given to groups of things, especially animals and insects. Like a school of fish or a colony of ants. But I really like the odd ones that nobody every hears and no one uses on a daily basis. Maybe it's just because I like having random knowledge to lord over other people, I don't know. Anyways, some groups have like two or three different options of names, but let me share some of my favorites, in no particular order.

• A murder of crows
• A crash or stubbornness of rhinoceroses
• A mob of emus
• A flamboyance of flamingos (tee hee)
• A bloat of hippos
• A wisdom of wombats
• A fever of stingrays
• An unkindness of ravens
• A prickle of porcupines (tee hee)
• A parliament of owls
• A charm of hummingbirds
• A memory of elephants
• A coalition of cheetahs
• A loveliness of ladybugs

Do I actively search online to look for these names? I do. Does this make me a big uber geek? Probably. And apparently I'm pretty tickled by alliteration. I'm fairly sure most of these are accurate, but like I said, different websites offer a lot of different options. I just picked the ones that are kickass. Feel free to contribute your knowledge of other cool names.

Things I Don't Approve Of

This list could probably go on forever. We'll start with what I can think of now, and build from there. I present some of the many things of which I don't approve (ooh, look at me not using a preposition at the end of my sentence).

• White people dreadlocks. Self-explanatory, as far as I'm concerned.
• Texting/IMing slang. I'm sorry if it takes 10 extra seconds. Just write out the word. 'Haha' suffices for laughter, not 'lmao'. 'You're' is tons better than 'ur'. I'm just trying to help y'all not look like jackasses.
• Beyonce. Everything about her.
• Light sleepers. What's wrong with you?
• Picky eaters. You eat what I give you or you don't eat.
• Car motion sickness. Seriously?
• Your face.

To be continued...

Minor Concession

After much tasting, I have determined that ketchup does taste tons better at room temperature than refrigerated. But there is still no way I would leave my ketchup bottle in the cabinet after it's been opened. That's still disgusting. I'm with Megan: stealing packets from restaurants is the way to go.

Do You Ever Wonder...

...about old people in commercials? As in, like, how do old people get jobs in commercials? Are there a bunch of seniors out there, still trying to make it in Hollywood after a bajillion years? That just saddens me. If you're 70, shouldn't you give up the dream by now? Or is it more of a, "oh, I'm old and I did some minor acting in my youth and I'm doing commercials now because I 'm bored and to make some extra cash" thing? That's more understandable. And can you picture a room full of grandparents, all of them practicing their lines to themselves in order to nail this audition? Kinda makes me giggle.

Mini Fake Experiments

I like doing curiosity experiments. Sometimes this is also known as "challenging myself." It's usually small things. Like, in different buildings, I'll walk through the handicap accessible doorway and then use the regular door and see what the time difference is. Or I'll sit in wheelchair at work and decide that I'll going to roll to all my patients' rooms all night just to see if I can. Or I'll 'borrow' a hat because I'm curious about how much I pee at one time. There are plenty more examples I just can't think of at this time. But most of these are spur of the moment. I think I need to start buying supplies for my fake experiments. I bring this up, because I was watching an Infomercial for the ShamWow (www.shamwow.com). And I was wondering, "Is it really that absorbent? Really?" So then I wondered, maybe I can pretend to be buying carpeting and ask for a bunch of samples. And then I can buy the ShamWow and test it's true absorbency. Or I could mix up some OxyClean solution and see if it's truly effective at getting stains out. The possibilities are endless. Also, I recently re-watched Wedding Crashers and I really want to drink some Visine and see if I'll get sick. But this website I read said in the instance of drinking eye drops, I should immediately call poison control. So maybe I'll leave that one for the movies.

The Votes Are In!!

12 whole people have decided: It's worse to be ugly than it is to be plain. Sorry Uggos, better luck next time (and I suggest I stop talking shit before I come back in another life a hideous wildebeest).

Hmmm...

I used to get pissed off because so many organizations kept sending me stuff asking for money. But now kinda miss them as I'm running low on address labels. I have some spring ones left, but those are obviously inappropriate for the season.

Shoutout

Big ups to Natalie for her awesome blog follower pic!! That's right, she's rockin' a Ballerfest shirt! And a ballin' pose to match.

Testicle Envy

So I don't have penis envy, but I will have to confess to testicle envy. I mean, I don't want any (I wouldn't be cute with a 'stache). So you're wondering why? Why in the name of Buddha would you have testicle envy? I'll tell you why. Because all my favorite vulgar phrases involve invoking the family jewels. Let me share my favs:

• Suck my balls!
• I'd give my left nut to...
• What a kick in the crotch!
• Holy balls!
• I'm freezing my balls off!
• Bollocks!!
• Stop sweatin' my balls! (Can't believe I forgot this one)

I love vulgarity. Good times.

Stop Riding Your Bike!!!

Kermit the Frog here with a news flash. It's winter mofos!! There's snow and ice on the ground! What about these conditions makes you think that riding your bike is a good idea? No one admires the way you're helping the environment despite the challenge of the foul weather. Everyone just thinks you're a damn fool.

Why Karen Rocks!!

For many reasons, of course. But today it's because she showed me the best thing I've ever seen in my life!! My LIFE!!! Sorry scrubsmusic.com. Now, everyone knows I'm easily influenced and I love "As Seen On TV" products. Well, while commenting on the wonder of the ShamWow, Karen showed something amazingly awesome that should have been invented years ago. Known as the 'Slanket,' or the cheaper version as the 'Snuggie,' it's...a fleece blanket with sleeves!!! A Blanket With Sleeves!!! Hello!! This is fantastic! Everyone needs to go to this link and watch the video: www.getsnuggie.com. I'm am totally buying one of these. And if you think I'm joking, you don't know me that well.

Get Excited!!!!

I just found the best website ever in life!!!!! It's scrubsmusic. com and you can download every song that was every played on the show!!! And Scrubs always has a kickass soundtrack. I cannot express how thrilled I am at this discovery.

Do You Know What Would Be The Worst Thing Ever?

If they made a Lethal Weapon 5. I recall reading about this somewhere, that they were thinking about it. Why? The first four were passably entertaining but it needs to stop. As it was, Danny Glover and Mel Gibson were practically using walkers in 4. And Mel Gibson lost his attractiveness with his hair. And with being a big ball of crazy. Stop being lazy writers and producers. Let them sit down, no one wants to see their old asses fighting crime anymore.

Another Old Argument, Looking For New Opinions

Disclaimer first: This is probably one of the most shallow arguments you've ever heard. Here goes. What would be worse: to be plain or ugly? My opinion continues to be that being ugly would totally be worse. At least if you're plain, you kinda got something to work with. Ugly is just ugly. Though I guess either way, you better hope someone out there sees your inner beauty. Feel free to leave a comment, or vote in the poll to the left.

Weird Thought

If you were really hungry and had nothing else in the house, do you thing you could eat a Vaseline sandwich?

Yes..

...they would have.

Ahh Yes, Levels Of Showers

Many are familiar with the fact that I rank my showers into three levels. Let me provide a refresher course.

• Level 1: Basic cleaning only. Just your standard get in-get out 5 minute wash up.
• Level 2a: Cleaning+ shaving
• Level 2b: Cleaning+hair washing
• Level 3: Cleaning+shaving+hair washing

Obviously many others would only have two levels of showers, but I get three because I don't wash my hair everyday. And 2a is cleaning and shaving and not 2b, because I shave more than I wash my hair. And the only reason I categorize my showers in the first place is because I'm a loser with too much time on her hands.

Old Argument

I continue to believe that opposable thumbs are not necessary and we shouldn't consider ourselves superior life forms because we have them. I'm not saying that they don't make things easier, just that they aren't necessary.

How My Thanksgiving Kicked Ass

How could Thanksgiving alone kick ass? Oh, it did. Let me share my day with you. It started at midnight, which is when I woke up after sleeping for 15 hours. Kickass. I then took a level three shower. Post shower and grooming, I made a 2am run to Woodman's. And let me tell ya, Woodman's the day of a holiday in the middle of the night is a kickass time to go. Well, back at home I cleaned out my fridge and put my foodies away. The next few hours were spent making the only food I was actually craving (homemade mac and cheese), watching movies (Enchanted, Happy Feet, and Be Kind Rewind) , starting a new romance novel, doing laundry, washing dishes, giving myself a pedicure, and eating half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. All this was done in a pair of baggy sweatpants and a Hurley Midgets t-shirt. And it rocked my face off. I hope everyone else enjoyed their day as much as I've enjoyed mine. Mine will be ending soon, as I plan on going back to bed and sleeping until I have to go to work at 11pm. Let me repeat it one more time: Kickass.

If I Didn't Have A Conscience...

...I would totally be a criminal. I wouldn't kill people or anything, but I'd totally be a burglar. I already have theif-like tendencies and picking locks would be an awesome talent. But the whole clumsy thing probably wouldn't work in my favor.

What Does This Mean?

For the past week or so, I've been having dreams about all my eyelashes falling out. It started out with a few clumps here and there, but today I thought I was gonna wake up with completely bald eyes.

You Know What I Really Want?

A fake identity. And I mean, a for real fake identity. For real fake, ha, that's funny. Anyways, I want the full shabangabang: fake license and social security card, fake passport and visa, fake birth certificate, hidden accounts, new credit cards, everything. So if it was necessary one day, I can say "Holla" and break out. And I want them without having witnessed a mob murder and needing government relocation.

#1 Goal for Hawaii

Have a brief but torrid affair. Though a semi-anonymous one night stand would suffice. My traveling companions are aware. Shut up, Bob.

Dental Hygiene

Rachel (shout out!) would like me to share my dental hygiene routine, as she finds it a bit excessive.

1. Gargle with Listerine Pre-Brush Whitening Rinse (but only if it's on sale when I run out. Currently not being used)
2. Floss
3. Gargle with regular Listerine (usually timed for precisely one minute)
4. Brush teeth (1-2 min)
5. *I forgot to add tongue brushing, scraping*
6. Gargle with ACT Fluoride Rinse (also timed for one minute and requires no eating/drinking for 30 min afterwards, which I'm pretty hard core about following. But because of this, and the fact that I'm an idiot, I'm always starving when I get to work b/c I haven't eaten yet. And the fact that I was starving at work tonight is what prompted this conversation in the first place)

I Wish...

... I could say "Bollocks!" without looking like a lame wanna-be-British American.

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

In preparation for the upcoming holidays, I thought it necessary to present my yearly argument regarding the correct lyrics to this song. Let it be known that any versions of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" in which Susy requests a sled will be violently rejected. The correct lyrics are, and shall always be, "Susy wants a dolly." Anyone who says otherwise is WRONG.

I Wish...

.... there was a word for fat wrists that was similar to cankles. Forewrists?

My New Favorite Phrase

You're the cat's pajamas.

The Elements of a Perfect Public Bathroom

Apparently I'm all about sharing my bathroom etiquette. Anyways, every time I use a public restroom, I critique it in my head based on my criteria for The Perfect Public Bathroom. The criteria are as follows:

1. The outer door pulls out to enter and pushes out to exit. It also can't have any handles on the inside. That way you don't have to touch the knob after you've washed your hands.
2. The stall door has to have the same set up. Well, it needs a lock, even though that thing must be disgusting. The main reason is you just have more room when the door pulls out. Think about trying to squeeze into a tiny ass stall with a winter coat on, a purse, and store bags. And once you get all your shit in, then you have to turn and try to close the door behind you. No thanks.
3. Nice lead in to the next point. Roomy stalls. Clearly needed for all the aforementioned accoutrement. A shelf or counter behind the toilet is always helpful.
4. Contoured toilet seats. Flat toilet seats suck. The contoured ones give your bum a nice place to settle.
5. No-brainer: Automatically flushing toilets. Again, no one wants to touch that handle. *An aside: toilet seat covers aren't a big deal to me. How many diseases are transmitted via ass cheek?*
6. More no-brainers: Automatic faucets, soap dispensers, and paper towel dispensers. I don't want to touch anything. Hand dryers are only acceptable when they're the super high- powered, dry in 10 seconds machines. And...
7. Multiple stalls, sinks, and garbage receptacles for convenience.

And there we have it folks. The Perfect Public Bathroom. I've only encountered one bathroom that met most of these criteria: surprisingly, in the Pharmacy building. Kudos to you Rennebohm!! Everyone else, keep trying.

Sloth versus Envy

So I was watching '3rd Rock from the Sun' the other day and the episode was about which of the seven deadly sins they committed most often (also known as the seven cardinal sins or capital vices, for those who care). I, of course, began to think "which sin is violated (or enjoyed) most by me?" I can't lie, gluttony should be in the running and I wish lust was, but I think the biggies are sloth and envy. But who wins? Let's discuss.

• Sloth is a competitor, because waaaay too many of my stories include the phrase "I didn't leave my house, couch, bed, etc, for an extended peroid of time." Doing nothing is my favorite activity. I never accomplish all the goals on my lists. I get mad at other people who are doing things, but I'm never inspired by them to get up and do anything myself.
• Envy. It wouldn't be inaccurate for me to say that I'm the world's biggest hater. I talk about everybody all the time. Let's be real, most of the time people deserve it. But the rest of the time it's good ol' fashioned envy. Why can't I have that, do that, be that? Why don't I deserve everything? Gimme, gimme, gimme. Wow, maybe greed is my problem.

I'm sure there are more points that I can't think of right now. But I think it's a tie. Luckily we live in a time where I can sit on my arse and hate on people on tv all day. Ahh, the best of both worlds.

Some Sad News

While there are 6 weeks left, I'm thinking it's okay for us to say that "80 in '08" was a bust. Just a hunch. It actually ended up being more like "18 in '08", which it just pathetic. It has been suggested that my goal was unreasonable. I don't agree. Therefore, it has been decided that my plan must carry over to next year, becoming, you got it, "90 in '09"!! Yeah! Let's get excited!! I feel that approximately 30 of that 90 needs to be gone by March 14. Sorry, but there is no way I'm going to Hawaii this fat.

Comment

A certain computerized charting system, that shall remain nameless, sucks balls.

Things Everybody Knows About Me

• I can't have my silverware touch the table in restaurants, so I always ask for extra napkins. Now that I think on it, I never like my silverware to touch any tabletop.
• I always have to wash my hands before I eat. So again, if I'm out at a restaurant, I have to go to the bathroom before eating or bust out the Purell.
• I have a case of raging paranoia. Example: I always drive different routes to locations I frequent just in case someone is following me. I also believe everyone is always talking about me. Arrogant, much?
• I'm extremely nosy and have to know everything about everything going on around me.
• I'm cooler than anyone you know.
• I have to disagree with everything Bob says or does, just on principle.
• 'Liar' is my favorite word. Don't be surprised if I scream it in your face.
• I'm oddly specific about time. If it's 12:37, it's 12:37, not 12:40 or 12:35.
• I love Hannah Montana candy bracelets.

Little Known Fact About Me

I'm convinced that the waistband on your pants is potentially one of the most germ-ridden areas of the body. Therefore, I refuse to pull my pants up after going to the bathroom until after I've washed my hands. The exception to this rule, of course, would be multi-stall public restrooms. That would just be embarrassing. Please enjoy the visual picture I've just provided. *Clarification: This OCD behavior developed b/c I read an artcile once that said the bacteria found in fecal matter can penetrate through like 7 layers of toliet paper. Though I do this every time I go to the bathroom, not just when poop is involved.*

Spite

As spite is one of my favorite motivators for doing anything and everything, the thing I'd like to do out of spite today is walk around in a big-ballin' floor length fur coat made from rare animals. Let's say chinchilla fur, lined with baby seal leather. And then I could amuse myself all day by flipping off all the people that yell at me. Good times. (Wow, how do I sleep at night?)

Question brought to you by Janell

Is Twentieth Century Fox still called that or are they now Twenty-first Century Fox?

I really need a date.

Where are all the comfortably employed, moderately attractive chubby-chasers hiding? Please send all those fitting this description to me.

Sorry that I have to go here, but...

...has anyone ever considered the fact that in The Lion King, Simba and Nala's relationship had to incestuous? Mufasa was the only dominant lion in that pride, which meant that he bred with all the females. Which means that both Nala and Simba had to be his children. Scar couldn't have bred with the lionesses because he wasn't dominant, and even if he had, Nala and Simba would then be cousins. Any way you slice it, it's just gross. Which goes to show us all yet again that the folks at Disney are kinda pervy.

Help

I think I have scurvy.

Ummm...

I know I should say something deep and profound about the fact that the first black president was elected but all I can say is this: what the fuck was Michelle Obama thinking last night when she put on that dress?

Lame

Hi, my name is Bob. I'm the world's biggest lame-o. I love to brag about how I'm a supertaster. I'm such an evolved human being.

What would happen...

...if you attempted to snort up a pixie stick?

Burger King

Burger King has the best fast food breakfast for the following reasons:

• Hash brown rounds. I could really just stop there, but I'll continue.
• Cheesy tots. That's right, they found a way to make the hash brown rounds even better.
• Their orange juice comes in individual cartons. Fountain oj is gross.
• The Croissan'wich. So good I want to stab myself.
• You can have it your way. But don't get crazy. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M)

Things I don't believe/believe in...

• that dinosaurs existed
• that during cold seasons, it's warmer near large bodies of water
• that going out in the cold with wet hair or no shoes on won't get you sick
• that the original moon landing happened
• daylight savings time
• Up North (Contribution provided by Kirsten)

So...

I work in a soul-sucking shithole.

HOLLA!!!!!

It's what you've been waiting for peeps!! I've finally started it. I hope this blog can live up to all your expectations of nonsense and hilarity. The title's a work in progress but it'll work for now. It's time for me to start kickin' ass and takin' names.