Ahh Yes, Levels Of Showers

Many are familiar with the fact that I rank my showers into three levels. Let me provide a refresher course.

• Level 1: Basic cleaning only. Just your standard get in-get out 5 minute wash up.
• Level 2a: Cleaning+ shaving
• Level 2b: Cleaning+hair washing
• Level 3: Cleaning+shaving+hair washing

Obviously many others would only have two levels of showers, but I get three because I don't wash my hair everyday. And 2a is cleaning and shaving and not 2b, because I shave more than I wash my hair. And the only reason I categorize my showers in the first place is because I'm a loser with too much time on her hands.

Old Argument

I continue to believe that opposable thumbs are not necessary and we shouldn't consider ourselves superior life forms because we have them. I'm not saying that they don't make things easier, just that they aren't necessary.

How My Thanksgiving Kicked Ass

How could Thanksgiving alone kick ass? Oh, it did. Let me share my day with you. It started at midnight, which is when I woke up after sleeping for 15 hours. Kickass. I then took a level three shower. Post shower and grooming, I made a 2am run to Woodman's. And let me tell ya, Woodman's the day of a holiday in the middle of the night is a kickass time to go. Well, back at home I cleaned out my fridge and put my foodies away. The next few hours were spent making the only food I was actually craving (homemade mac and cheese), watching movies (Enchanted, Happy Feet, and Be Kind Rewind) , starting a new romance novel, doing laundry, washing dishes, giving myself a pedicure, and eating half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. All this was done in a pair of baggy sweatpants and a Hurley Midgets t-shirt. And it rocked my face off. I hope everyone else enjoyed their day as much as I've enjoyed mine. Mine will be ending soon, as I plan on going back to bed and sleeping until I have to go to work at 11pm. Let me repeat it one more time: Kickass.

If I Didn't Have A Conscience...

...I would totally be a criminal. I wouldn't kill people or anything, but I'd totally be a burglar. I already have theif-like tendencies and picking locks would be an awesome talent. But the whole clumsy thing probably wouldn't work in my favor.

What Does This Mean?

For the past week or so, I've been having dreams about all my eyelashes falling out. It started out with a few clumps here and there, but today I thought I was gonna wake up with completely bald eyes.

You Know What I Really Want?

A fake identity. And I mean, a for real fake identity. For real fake, ha, that's funny. Anyways, I want the full shabangabang: fake license and social security card, fake passport and visa, fake birth certificate, hidden accounts, new credit cards, everything. So if it was necessary one day, I can say "Holla" and break out. And I want them without having witnessed a mob murder and needing government relocation.

#1 Goal for Hawaii

Have a brief but torrid affair. Though a semi-anonymous one night stand would suffice. My traveling companions are aware. Shut up, Bob.

Dental Hygiene

Rachel (shout out!) would like me to share my dental hygiene routine, as she finds it a bit excessive.

1. Gargle with Listerine Pre-Brush Whitening Rinse (but only if it's on sale when I run out. Currently not being used)
2. Floss
3. Gargle with regular Listerine (usually timed for precisely one minute)
4. Brush teeth (1-2 min)
5. *I forgot to add tongue brushing, scraping*
6. Gargle with ACT Fluoride Rinse (also timed for one minute and requires no eating/drinking for 30 min afterwards, which I'm pretty hard core about following. But because of this, and the fact that I'm an idiot, I'm always starving when I get to work b/c I haven't eaten yet. And the fact that I was starving at work tonight is what prompted this conversation in the first place)

I Wish...

... I could say "Bollocks!" without looking like a lame wanna-be-British American.

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

In preparation for the upcoming holidays, I thought it necessary to present my yearly argument regarding the correct lyrics to this song. Let it be known that any versions of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" in which Susy requests a sled will be violently rejected. The correct lyrics are, and shall always be, "Susy wants a dolly." Anyone who says otherwise is WRONG.

I Wish...

.... there was a word for fat wrists that was similar to cankles. Forewrists?

My New Favorite Phrase

You're the cat's pajamas.

The Elements of a Perfect Public Bathroom

Apparently I'm all about sharing my bathroom etiquette. Anyways, every time I use a public restroom, I critique it in my head based on my criteria for The Perfect Public Bathroom. The criteria are as follows:

1. The outer door pulls out to enter and pushes out to exit. It also can't have any handles on the inside. That way you don't have to touch the knob after you've washed your hands.
2. The stall door has to have the same set up. Well, it needs a lock, even though that thing must be disgusting. The main reason is you just have more room when the door pulls out. Think about trying to squeeze into a tiny ass stall with a winter coat on, a purse, and store bags. And once you get all your shit in, then you have to turn and try to close the door behind you. No thanks.
3. Nice lead in to the next point. Roomy stalls. Clearly needed for all the aforementioned accoutrement. A shelf or counter behind the toilet is always helpful.
4. Contoured toilet seats. Flat toilet seats suck. The contoured ones give your bum a nice place to settle.
5. No-brainer: Automatically flushing toilets. Again, no one wants to touch that handle. *An aside: toilet seat covers aren't a big deal to me. How many diseases are transmitted via ass cheek?*
6. More no-brainers: Automatic faucets, soap dispensers, and paper towel dispensers. I don't want to touch anything. Hand dryers are only acceptable when they're the super high- powered, dry in 10 seconds machines. And...
7. Multiple stalls, sinks, and garbage receptacles for convenience.

And there we have it folks. The Perfect Public Bathroom. I've only encountered one bathroom that met most of these criteria: surprisingly, in the Pharmacy building. Kudos to you Rennebohm!! Everyone else, keep trying.

Sloth versus Envy

So I was watching '3rd Rock from the Sun' the other day and the episode was about which of the seven deadly sins they committed most often (also known as the seven cardinal sins or capital vices, for those who care). I, of course, began to think "which sin is violated (or enjoyed) most by me?" I can't lie, gluttony should be in the running and I wish lust was, but I think the biggies are sloth and envy. But who wins? Let's discuss.

• Sloth is a competitor, because waaaay too many of my stories include the phrase "I didn't leave my house, couch, bed, etc, for an extended peroid of time." Doing nothing is my favorite activity. I never accomplish all the goals on my lists. I get mad at other people who are doing things, but I'm never inspired by them to get up and do anything myself.
• Envy. It wouldn't be inaccurate for me to say that I'm the world's biggest hater. I talk about everybody all the time. Let's be real, most of the time people deserve it. But the rest of the time it's good ol' fashioned envy. Why can't I have that, do that, be that? Why don't I deserve everything? Gimme, gimme, gimme. Wow, maybe greed is my problem.

I'm sure there are more points that I can't think of right now. But I think it's a tie. Luckily we live in a time where I can sit on my arse and hate on people on tv all day. Ahh, the best of both worlds.

Some Sad News

While there are 6 weeks left, I'm thinking it's okay for us to say that "80 in '08" was a bust. Just a hunch. It actually ended up being more like "18 in '08", which it just pathetic. It has been suggested that my goal was unreasonable. I don't agree. Therefore, it has been decided that my plan must carry over to next year, becoming, you got it, "90 in '09"!! Yeah! Let's get excited!! I feel that approximately 30 of that 90 needs to be gone by March 14. Sorry, but there is no way I'm going to Hawaii this fat.

Comment

A certain computerized charting system, that shall remain nameless, sucks balls.

Things Everybody Knows About Me

• I can't have my silverware touch the table in restaurants, so I always ask for extra napkins. Now that I think on it, I never like my silverware to touch any tabletop.
• I always have to wash my hands before I eat. So again, if I'm out at a restaurant, I have to go to the bathroom before eating or bust out the Purell.
• I have a case of raging paranoia. Example: I always drive different routes to locations I frequent just in case someone is following me. I also believe everyone is always talking about me. Arrogant, much?
• I'm extremely nosy and have to know everything about everything going on around me.
• I'm cooler than anyone you know.
• I have to disagree with everything Bob says or does, just on principle.
• 'Liar' is my favorite word. Don't be surprised if I scream it in your face.
• I'm oddly specific about time. If it's 12:37, it's 12:37, not 12:40 or 12:35.
• I love Hannah Montana candy bracelets.

Little Known Fact About Me

I'm convinced that the waistband on your pants is potentially one of the most germ-ridden areas of the body. Therefore, I refuse to pull my pants up after going to the bathroom until after I've washed my hands. The exception to this rule, of course, would be multi-stall public restrooms. That would just be embarrassing. Please enjoy the visual picture I've just provided. *Clarification: This OCD behavior developed b/c I read an artcile once that said the bacteria found in fecal matter can penetrate through like 7 layers of toliet paper. Though I do this every time I go to the bathroom, not just when poop is involved.*

Spite

As spite is one of my favorite motivators for doing anything and everything, the thing I'd like to do out of spite today is walk around in a big-ballin' floor length fur coat made from rare animals. Let's say chinchilla fur, lined with baby seal leather. And then I could amuse myself all day by flipping off all the people that yell at me. Good times. (Wow, how do I sleep at night?)

Question brought to you by Janell

Is Twentieth Century Fox still called that or are they now Twenty-first Century Fox?

I really need a date.

Where are all the comfortably employed, moderately attractive chubby-chasers hiding? Please send all those fitting this description to me.

Sorry that I have to go here, but...

...has anyone ever considered the fact that in The Lion King, Simba and Nala's relationship had to incestuous? Mufasa was the only dominant lion in that pride, which meant that he bred with all the females. Which means that both Nala and Simba had to be his children. Scar couldn't have bred with the lionesses because he wasn't dominant, and even if he had, Nala and Simba would then be cousins. Any way you slice it, it's just gross. Which goes to show us all yet again that the folks at Disney are kinda pervy.

Help

I think I have scurvy.

Ummm...

I know I should say something deep and profound about the fact that the first black president was elected but all I can say is this: what the fuck was Michelle Obama thinking last night when she put on that dress?

Lame

Hi, my name is Bob. I'm the world's biggest lame-o. I love to brag about how I'm a supertaster. I'm such an evolved human being.

What would happen...

...if you attempted to snort up a pixie stick?

Burger King

Burger King has the best fast food breakfast for the following reasons:

• Hash brown rounds. I could really just stop there, but I'll continue.
• Cheesy tots. That's right, they found a way to make the hash brown rounds even better.
• Their orange juice comes in individual cartons. Fountain oj is gross.
• The Croissan'wich. So good I want to stab myself.
• You can have it your way. But don't get crazy. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M)