Favorite Quotes Of 2014

*My flannel game was tight.

*I'm gonna make 'em cry, alright. Cry like they're going through a haunted house. A haunted house called life. 

*Waah, I have a head in my vagina!

*Flim flams and jibble jabbles.

*Behind every good man is a ride or die kinda bitch.

*This is some bullshit. Shit to the bull.

*If grateful paid the bills, we'd all be Bill Gates. 

*Behind every strong man is a cunt faced witch monster. 

*You'll be Denzel Clooney Kodjoe Chesnut!

*That fool stayed having the munchies. 

*Talk about a bitch who could serve some face.

*I think you try to mask your Tourette's syndrome with sarcasm. You actually have a problem.

*I'm the bitch love something to who!

*You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the special. 

Dear Gingerbread Twix

Where have you been all my life?

Sincerely,

Erica

This Happened

I may have walked up to my pregnant friend (shout out to Carlos!) while she was sitting in a rolling chair, grabbed the arms, rolled her around and yelled, "Shaken baby syndrome!" I am the worst person ever.

Things Said To Myself In The Mirror

Bitch, stop smiling! I'm sick of your smiling ass face.

Radio Silence

Anyone who both texts me and reads this blog (does such a person exist?): I am on radio silence until Monday. Just to prove I can be.  Also, because I have a texting addiction. I will not be checking or answering text messages. If you really need to talk to me, call. But this should be for emergent purposes only. Peace out bitches, talk you to you on the other side.

**Update 12/20: Epic fail. Why did I even bother? I thought I had a resolution to stop lying to myself? **

Random Question Of The Day

Am I the only person that puts on one sock and shoe at a time? I mean, versus putting on both socks and then both shoes? I just feel like I need to complete the process on one side before moving on. It's kinda funny, cuz more often than not I get distracted and walk around with one foot barefoot and the other ready to go. Like am I now, as I got distracted writing this post...

Judgmental

Is it weird that I don't feel I'm as judgmental as everyone seems to think I am? Don't get me wrong, I sincerely love talking tall shit. Alright, I'll mock you if I think your kid has a dumb name. Or if you're white with dreadlocks. And hello, how can I not point out the foolywang in the crowd? Okay, I tend to have frequent strong opinions that no one wants to hear. And if you did ask my opinion, don't expect me to sugarcoat my response. Huh, the more I think about it, I do judge people a lot. Hmmm, let's say I'm judgy. That doesn't sound as harsh. But y'all all realize that I don't really give shit what you do, right? I'm a big believer in finding what makes you happy, whatever that is, and own that shit. Do you, boo. Who gives a fuck what I or anyone else has to say?

Random Memory

I was in high school. The National Honor Society organized a volunteer project where we all took shifts wrapping gifts at the mall. Some guy brought in this big ass irregularly shaped gift basket from Bath and Body Works. But he was too cheap to buy a box to put it in. So I seriously did the shittiest job you can imagine. Not out of spite. There was just no way to wrap this thing. And he had to nerve to roll in with an attitude when he saw it. Really? What exactly did you expect when you signed up for free gift wrapping from high school students?

Things I Sang To Myself (And Why I'm Single)

"So I'm a bit of a fixer upper...no I'm not, I'm perfect." And then I laughed maniacally.

The Elephant In The Room

Let's stop tiptoeing around the problem. I can take it. We've used words like moody or dramatic, but we're all just lying to ourselves. It's time we discuss the fact that there's a very probable chance that I have a mood disorder.

Let The Dumb Wintertime Challenges Begin!

Okay, there are only two of them. And they're kind of dumb. But dumb challenges are my favorite! For the second year, we're bring back The Hairy Legs Challenge! I'll be shaving on November 30th. Then  from December 1st to March 1st, I'm going full Yeti! It got bad last year. Like, I'm pretty sure I could French braid that shit. Clearly I have no plans to disrobe for anyone in the next three months. Either that or they'll gonna have to love the au natural.

Next dumb challenge: my car will be five years old on April 1st. And I currently have 45,345 miles on it. We know what my OCD brain needs to do. I need to hit 50,000 miles exactly on April 1, 2015. I don't care what I have to do. I will carpool as much as possible if I'm getting too close to over. If I'm short, I will drive around aimlessly the night before and make it so I drive into my driveway with 50,000 miles, at midnight on April 1st. It will be done!!

New Year's Resolutions I Have Six Weeks To Complete

I'm haven't done too terribly, actually. Didn't save any money, but that's not shocking. Got plenty of cute new clothes.  And I've resigned myself to being poor until my car is paid off. Five months to go, bitches! But now I really want a new kitchen...

Okay, I give up on pretending like I will blog regularly. Maybe a 2015 resolution should be stop lying to myself.

Still talk too much. That's just genetic. At least I now try to let someone finish their thought before I start talking. That's progress, right?

Drinking water like whoa. That was obviously something easy for me to check off. I barely drink anything else, so it's not much of a challenge. Who makes a resolution to drink water? God, my life is boring.

Let's say I walk my dog 5 days a week. He's fine.

Still haven't seen the Star Wars movies. Or Sound of Music.  Sound of Music is doable. The Star Wars movies seem less likely.

It's the middle of November and down about 52lbs. I guess 114lbs is a stretch. Way to not commit! We don't tolerate any losers in this house! Win, win win!!!  Oh, Breakfast Club.

Wait, I take back my first statement. I have done terribly. Why do I continue to bother? That's it, stop lying to yourself is next year's only resolution.

Ebola

If I get Ebola, I'm gonna be pissed as shit.

Appearances

Despite my blog's appearance, I have not changed careers and become a preschool teacher. I did try to use every color in the rainbow though. :)

Wow

I actually giggled to myself the other day at the thought of going to Starbucks and saying, "Thanks a latte" when I got my drink.  Can't lie, kinda giggling as I write this.

Easily Offended

I'm offended by the dumbest things. For example, I get mad whenever they ask me at the grocery store if I want assistance loading my car. I'm 32-years-old! Do I fucking look like I need assistance. My arm and legs ain't broke! Are you saying I'm too fat to walk my fat ass to the car and load some bags? Bite me!

Hahahaha! Yes, I'm well aware that they ask everyone.

Sad

I'm a grown ass woman, and I still duck down and hide when someone rings my door bell.

Stream Of Consciousness

I was driving down the freeway the other day and even I was impressed by my train of thought. I thought I'd share:


I really need to get the garage door fixed. I don't want to spend the money!  Stupid birds made a nest in there. Why are the wildlife out to get me? I wonder if I can shoot them...

I probably shouldn't. Archer is always shooting people in enclosed spaces and getting folks shot up.

Lana had a baby. What kind of name is Abigene? Everyone bet on whether the baby had a black daddy or a white one. Pam called her a quadroon

I can't believe people still say quadroon. My sister told me a story about someone at work saying she looked like a mulatto. (Mulatto butts!) And he later claimed he wasn't racist.

While I generally don't care for racists, I much prefer openly racist people instead of people that say racist shit but claim they aren't.


Here's where I caught myself. I wondered how the hell I started thinking about racists. And it all came back to me. I have problems.

Dear Business Class,

Thanks for making me feel like I'm better than everyone else. I already knew this, but I appreciate the reminder.

Murder/Suicide

So one morning, after maybe my fourth night shift, I decide it's a good ideas to boil some eggs before going to bed. I put them to boil on high and figure they'll cook while I catch up on one of my tv shows. Well, about halfway through the show, I realize I'm just too tired and need to go to bed. Do I remember I'm boiling eggs? Of course not. Well, about three hours later, something wakes me up. I still can't tell you what it was. I get out of bed and head towards the kitchen. At the first sign of smoke, I remember the frickin' eggs! And I can tell you for damn sure it wasn't the smoke alarm that woke up up. Despite smoke filling the kitchen and dining room, the smoke alarm is just making a clicking sound that wasn't doing nothing for nobody. I stumble into my kitchen like a zombie. My pot is completely charred. And does anyone know what happens to eggs when they boil that long and for temperature's that high? I'll tell you. They explode. They fucking explode. I enter that kitchen and it looks like fucking Humpty Dumpty's entire family has been murdered. Mind you, I was cooking four eggs. One and a half are left in the pot. The rest are splattered on just about every goddamn surface in my kitchen. Not cool. I clean up what I can, open all the windows (despite it being 18 degrees outside) and just take my ass back to bed. I force myself to ignore the scent of smoke clinging to me, as I had to go back to work that night.

And that's the story of how I almost killed myself via smoke inhalation and murdered a family of eggs.

I Made It!!

Yes! Went three months without shaving my legs! And yes, it was as unattractive as you can imagine it was.

Dog Walking Chicken

I realized today how much pleasure I get out of this game.  I refuse to cross the street or turn if I see another dog coming. Refuse! If you can't handle my pony, get out of my way.  I almost always win. It's the little things...

Disney Villains

It horrifies many to know that my Disney life lessons were taken from the villains, not the princesses. It's the villains that are willing to fight for their dreams, no matter who gets taken down along the way. So sad that it never quite works out, usually ending in their demise. Here are my top three...

3. Scar. Scar wanted to be king, period. Kill his brother and his nephew? Not a problem, not the slightest hesitation. While technically not cool, look at that drive and determination! Kudos, Scar, I appreciate you! A shame those hyenas ate you. Never sell out the muscle.

2. Maleficent. While not my number one, Maleficent is the baddest bitch, and was actually voted the most sinister Disney villain. Maleficent was amazing cuz her actions were fueled by spite. She didn't get invited to a party. And she said fuck that, I'm cursing your daughter to die. Daaaaammmmnnn! Also, she proclaims herself to be the Mistress of all Evil. How ballin' is that? And talk about perseverance. She was not about to let the prince find Sleeping Beauty. She turned herself into a dragon! She fought hard until the very end. Stupid interfering fairies. I give you props, Maleficent.

3. Ursula.  Anyone who knows me knew she was going to be number one. First, you must know that I hate Ariel. She was a spoiled, whiny little bitch, so she needed to be taken down anyways. And Ursula was willing to do it. Except Ariel isn't even her true target. She's just using her to get at her father (who has the worst gigantic man nipples, btw). Like Scar, Ursula wanted to rule and fuck all who are in her way. I also appreciate that she just loves power. Manipulating merpeople with their own emotions and then trapping them for all eternity? Classic. Ursula worked so hard to ruin Ariel's life. Even pretending to be in love with lame ass Eric. And for a brief, shining moment, Ursula ruled the sea. It was glorious. But as usual, heaven forbid the villain win. And Ursula's body is at the body of the ocean after being impaled by a ship.

Oh, my villains, how I love you! And in case you're worried, I'm not a sociopath.

P.S. As a final quick shout out,  I'd like to give special recognition to Mother Gothel from Tangled. I appreciated how she shanked Flynn Rider. No drama, no villain speech, just a knife in the kidney. Kudos.

I Wish

I wish I was strong enough to punch my hand through a wall. That would be awesome.

Weird Smell

Am I the only person who will smell something while driving and automatically assume something is wrong with the car? Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get you.

I'm Back!! 2014 New Year's Resolutions!!

2014 is the Year of Er!ca (she said for like the fourth year in a row)!! We're actually writing resolutions in a timely fashion, what what! Let's make some short and long term goals this year. I need to be be able to check things off and feel like I've accomplished something. Warning: the following material may be ridiculous.   

1. Debt reduction/save money. I know. How many times and I going to repeat this? But I gotta get real. Living paycheck to paycheck sooks.

2. I'm not shaving my legs until March 1. So gross. It's already been a month. It's the worst and I feel like a wildebeest. But I vowed not to do it and I stand by my word!

3. Blog at least twice a month. I've been so terrible. This is easily attainable.

4. Talk less, listen more. I said something similar a couple years ago. Shut up, Er!ca! Keep your thoughts to yourself! No one cares!

5. Drink 12-16 cups of water a day.

6. Lose 114lbs in honor of 2014. 201.4 seemed excessive. Doesn't this sound familiar?

7. Watch the Star Wars Movies. Probably just the original trilogy. Also, The Sound of Music. I'm willing to take other suggestions of classic movies I need to see. Even if you think there's no way I haven't seen it, still suggest. Odds are I haven't.

8. Walk my dog everyday, working our way back up to 2 /day walks. It's terrible that I have to make a resolution to walk my dog. But I'm just so lazy.

9. Try to have a more positive attitude. I'm not going to go so far as I say I should be nicer. Just stop being quite so negative.

Huh. It kinda makes me sad that I have the same goals very year. How boring am I that my life never changes? Wow, that positive attitude thing slasted a long time.


Eh, I'm over it. Happy 2014!!!