Rumor Has It

So, rumor has it that my last blog posts was a little upsetting. And by rumor, I meant that people have blatantly told me that this was the case. And now everyone is scared to talk to me, because they think that secretly I want to eat their faces. Just as an FYI, I haven't encountered any ugly babies recently, I mostly just get bored with the frequent baby talk. Some people are just douches. And my fake-interest face is pretty obvious if I don't want to talk to you. This is mostly shown to strangers. If I don't want to talk to my friends, I'm blatantly grumpy and crabby. I don't know if this was at all comforting.

My Wish

I wish I could be meaner and/or less polite. And I'm sure many of you are saying, "Wow, is this possible?" Oh, it is. My filter is pretty low, but there are a lot of things I keep to myself. And really, it's mostly little things I wish I could be bluntly honest about. And what's funny is that my feelings get hurt over dumb little things and I totally obsess about little things people say to me. Apparently I'm a hypocrite and feel like it's okay to do this to other people. Examples. I wish I could tell someone their haircut is ugly. Or that their kid is ugly, for that matter. Tell someone that her eyebrows are totally over-tweezed. Tell someone they should've thought twice about leaving the house with that outfit on. Tell someone upon first meeting them that they look like a douche or a bitch. Tell people I don't care when they're telling me stories I don't care about. Just walk away when someone is telling me a story I've heard a hundred times, instead of listening politely. Screw your feelings. And obviously, I'm totally willing to mutter some of these things under my breath to a nearly friend. But I want to say it to peoples' faces. Apparently, I'm actively trying to get beat up in the middle of the street. No, I'll continue to wear my polite face, face smile face. And I think it's time I go see someone about my anger issues.

Several

It severely bugs me when people use this word to refer to any amount less than six. I'll be reading a book that uses 'several' to describe 3-4 of something. I always get confused for a moment 'cause I would swear that the book described that event or something as happening only 3 weeks or months ago. No! Clearly, 'few' is the only appropriate word in this situation. Also, 'few' and 'couple' are not interchangeable. Grrr...let's shape up people!!!

World's Stupidest Argument

This morning Connie and Fish were discussing whether or not women should put the toilet seat up, considering they want men to put the toilet seat down after using the facilities. The part of this argument that is stupid is when women complain that if men don't put the toilet seat down, they fall in. Who the fuck doesn't look at the toilet first to make sure the seat is down? You're literally walking right at it, how can you miss this key fact? And I don't care if you say it's the middle of the night and you don't turn the light on. Stop being so fucking stupid. Any woman who has lived with men or boys in the house knows the toilet seat is going to be up. That should automatically be the first thing you check for, the second being to see if there is any toilet paper left on the roll (I'm a strong believer in stranding people on the toilet if they haven't looked for TP first). And technically, the better argument is "I don't want to have to touch that nasty, germ-ridden seat" not "I'm gonna fall in." Ultimately everyone knows the best choice is to have everyone close the seat and the lid after they're done, which makes it fair for all around. And hello, poop particles don't float in the air near your toothbrush if the lid is closed before you flush. Though I completely avoid this by having my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. And Connie said if the lid was closed, she'd sit down and start going without realizing it. Pardon my language, but are you fucking retarded? Whatever. In conclusion, Women, stop being dumb shits. If you fall in the toilet it's no one's fault but yours.

Crack-Laced Sour Cream

The sour cream at Taco Bell is insanely delicious. I don't know what makes it different from other sour cream, but my guess is that it's laced with crack. As I also love their doughy taco shells, I think from now on I'll just order taco shells and sour cream to dip them in. That's a lie. I love too many other things at Taco Bell to limit myself like that. I'll just ask for a bucket of sour cream on the side of every order. I'm pretty sure that's good for my heart.

Human Experiments

I've officially decided that I need to have children because of the potential experiments I can perform on them. I'm for sure going to try 'Your Baby Can Read!' I'm debating whether to try infant potty training vs potty train in a day. I guess I'll need to have at least two kids in order to compare different methods on them . I'm sure there are some other cool things I could try that won't scar them for life. There are probably many more cool things that would.

Product Evaluation: Mr. Sticky

Mr. Sticky is amazing. It's this endlessly reusable lint roller. I supposedly will never have to buy another lint roller in my life. And as I'm a person that carries a mini lint roller around in my purse, this is exciting news. It's made of some funky silicone that always stays sticky. And you just rinse off all the crap you pick up in hot water and wait for it to dry and become sticky again. Holla!! So my cousin and I split the purchase, which comes with a mini roller (thought the sales lady gave us two), an average-sized roller, like you'd normally buy, and a big ass one on a long pole so you can de-lint blinds and curtains and floors and stuff. So I'm the proud owner a mini one and the larger one. And I love it!! Though it may exacerbate my OCD. I've rolled it over the carpet three times tonight. Seriously, it's disgusting how much stuff is left on the carpet after vacuuming. Though granted, I just bought a new vacuum after living in my house for three weeks. Whatevs. It's the best thing ever. So in conclusion, you should all be jealous of me.

State Fair

They were out of root beer milk. Literally the only reason I go to the fair every year. I had to console myself with strawberry and chocolate. Lame!! I also consoled myself by going to the product pavilion. Yeah, should've stayed out of there. I ended up buying the Smooth Away pads for body hair removal. Can't do a product review yet, as I recently shaved. I also bought an awesome product called Mr. Sticky, which will be promptly reviewed after this post. God, I love As Seen on TV products. And to jump back to the beginning of this rant, I'm thinking of adding root beer extract to milk and seeing what I come up with. I'll keep y'all updated.

I'm A Horrible Person

I hope that insects' lives flash before their eyes before I squash them into oblivion. I don't know what that says about me.

Quirks

Here are more weird things you didn't know about me. Well, Bob probably knows a few of them.

• I have to stir solid dairy products before I eat them. Yogurt, cottage cheese, sour cream. Even milk I have to shake up before I pour it. Dipping a spoon into an unbroken surface of yogurt and eating it just bothers me.
• I drive with my hand on the gear shift. Even though I drive a car with an automatic transmission.
• I take different routes when I drive places, just in case someone is stalking me. I can't make an attack too easy for them.
• I despise being considered average in anything. Which sucks, as I'm of average height, looks, and intelligence, among other things. I'm pretty sure that I was born weird but I've also worked at it enough that I'm now an official freak show with much effort.
• I obsessively balance my checkbook.
• I've learned that the toilet in my house has a lid that catches itself and won't slam shut. So now, every time I go to the bathroom, I try to slam the toilet seat as hard as I can. So far, unsuccessful in my efforts.
• I could probably have an entire conversation in movie quotes, tv quotes, and song lyrics.

Product Evaluation: ShamWow

While I haven't done any true tests, like spilling red wine on a white carpet and cleaning it up (I'm ashamed that I haven't done this, actually), I've tried to used the ShamWow for basic household tasks. And I think I must say I'm not super impressed. They're okay. The small ones kinda suck, cause they tear easily and I wish they were thicker. Whereas the large ones are nice and thick but a bit unwieldy. I really only end up using them for basic spills and drying dishes. I'll do some further experiments and see how things go. That is, if I don't keep ruining them by forgetting they can't go in the dryer. No matter what, they were still an awesome b-day gift, Joans!! Uou know I love "As Seen On TV products." Overall, I give them a "fair."