This Needs To Happen

My new life goal is to have a wax version of myself made by Madame Tussauds. I don't care what I have to do to make this happen. What would I do with it? Probably just find different ways to creep people out.

This Actually Happened

While getting ready for work today and spending way too much time looking in the mirror and putting makeup on, I actually was listening to and belting out Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror."  It's probably a good thing I live alone.

Life Lessons

Don't give random guys at the gas station your phone number. It is okay to say "no, thank you" and drive away.

What If..

What if someone threw acid at you? That would not be cool.

Inside Joke

Just so y'all know, bananas are $.39 a pound at Sendik's this week.

Where's The Love?

It's time to make some broad sweeping generalizations and have fun with stereotypes. Black men go for white woman. White men go for white and Asian women. So the question is: who's lovin' the sistas? Am I missing something? Has living in Madison for 13 years blinded me to the fact that there are black men who like black women? Are white dudes stepping up and deciding they like the chocolate? Where are the Latin guys in this mix? An inquiring black female mind would like to know.

I Love Demi Lovato

I just felt a need to declare that.

Stop Pissing Me Off

Nothing pisses me off more than the following conversation:

"God, this tastes like dog shit!"
"How do you know what dog shit tastes like? Have you eaten it before?"

Feel free to insert any disgusting thing for dog shit. Why the fuck do people say this?! No, I haven't fuckin' eaten dog shit before. And I have a fuckin' nose. I know how shit smells. And last time I checked, your sense of smell and your sense of taste work together. So if I say something smells like shit, don't be an asshole and just agree that it's gross. Asshole.

Rent

I has a few problems with this musical that I need to discuss. I thoroughly enjoy it, but some things bother me.

• Problem 1: Roger, knowing that Mimi is a dope head, still thinks "You know, you're hot. We can make this work." Shock of shocks, she almost overdoses and dies. And he has a line in "Light My Candle" where he says Mimi reminds him of someone, which is his old girlfriend. Maybe the resemblance is that she was a fucking junkie, too. One who slit her wrists in the bathtub. What's your problem?
• Problem 2: Roger writes a song for Mimi, which he claims took him all year. Seriously? This song was a pretty poor effort for it to have taken a year. It should have taken an hour, max.
• Problem 3: Angel and Collins meet after he gets mugged in an alley. Literally, within one minute of meeting, Angel tells Collins he has AIDS. Far-fetched, much? "Oh, nice to meet you. And yeah, and I have AIDS, if you can't tell." "Get right out of town, me too! Let's be a couple!"
• Problem 4: This isn't about the musical exactly. But Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp are touring with "Rent" when i saw it a couple years ago. Really? Isn't this getting a little old? Aren't y'all getting a little old? Find something else to do already. You can't live off of "Rent" forever. 
• Problem 5: I hate Maureen.

I know I shouldn't argue about things that are largely plot points. But I like to argue about everything.

In My Opinion

On his last day in office, I want Obama to hold a press conference. I want him to walk up to the mic, lean in, pause and say, "Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, and I'm out!"

Happy New Year-ish!!

"Check me out! Writing my resolutions two weeks into the New Year instead of three months."

Fast forward six months. Clearly that post didn't happen. Most of this year's resolutions were repeats from last year. Lame, I know. So this isn't me declaring resoluitons, so much as listing all the things I still havent't fixed.

Still dropping f-bombs. But a lot of my swearing is replaced with odd old-fashioned sounding phrases. "Oh, crumb cakes!" is a fav.
Still judgmental. I think I'm gonna have to accept that as a natural part of my personality.
Still fat. My beautiful new sneaks are supposed to get me to the gym. Um, yeah...
Still vain. This year has included eyelash extensions, continued teeth whitening, and lying about my age.
Still have a spending problem. I love stuff so much!

Still proving that New Year's resolutions are pretty worthless.  And that I show no growth as a person.

The Habits Of Skinny People Vs. Fat People

Skinny people wake up at eight am on a Sunday for nice morning jog. Fat people drive by while giving them the up/down. And eating a donut.