Almost Mortifying

I don't close the doors in my house. It's just the dog and I. Well, I walk into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, as so many of us do. Bernie follows me in, whining, because he's impatient to go out for his walk. I yell at him just as I hear a familiar noise. It was an automated voice telling me that the person I was calling was unavailable. I must have accidentally hit the call button when I sat it down on the countertop. Unfortunately, I was yelling, "Can I poop in peace?!" Luckily, I hit end before a message started to record. And it was my mom's cell phone, which she never answers at work. What if I had called the hospital, where someone almost always picks up immediately? Usually nothing embarrasses me, but even I have some limits. How mortifying would that have been?

Personalize

I don't like when strangers use my name. Like if I buy something with a credit card and the cashier says, "Thanks, Erica." Please, don't personalize our transaction. I especially dislike it when I'm at a drive thru window. I feel like the person at the wndow is silently judging me. "Thank you, Erica. And did you really need two steak soft tacos and a nacho supreme?" Bastards.

Bored

I was bored at work and decided to pull a Molly Ringwald, a la "The Breakfast Club." It's really quite easy to apply lipstick with the tube in your cleavage. This talent is not impressive. That's why Bender cut you to shreds, Claire.

Help Me

This night is killing my insides. Four hours still to go...

Tangled

Seriously, how did Rapunzel not have rickets?

Spring Is Here!

You know what that means? De-pooping the backyard!! I'll pay someone $10 to do it. Twenty if you can do it without complaining.

FYI

The Otis Redding station on Pandora is amazing.

Resolution Time!!!!

Sorry I'm a few... months late. Let's say since it took me longer to make them, the odds of me sticking to them are better. Yeah...let's say that. I'd like to say I'll set more attainable goals this year, but I make no promises. Let's start with a review of last year's goals. They were as follows: 1) embrace my meanness 2) pull the race card constantly, 3) reduce my debt, 4) complete various home projects, and 5) get less fat. I think it's safe to say the only goal I attained was #1. I am nothing nice.
We're actually gonna shoot for some positive changes this year. I know, right!!

1. Stop swearing so much. By the way, Carlos is to blame for all the swearing I do now. But I'm gonna be the bigger person and rise above my salty language. I'm still allowed to use off-color words though. I wouldn't survive if I couldn't yell out "Balls!" every so often. Or call someone a dick face.  
2. Stop being so judgmental/stop offering my unsolicited opinion. I am well aware of the fact that I can be annoying. I believe it's primarily due to these traits. Y'all may disagree (with why I'm annoying, not the fact that I am). We all know that I have strong opinions about things. That doesn't mean I have to be such a bitch about it all the time. Or so vocal. Now, don't expect me to say polite, nice, socially acceptable things. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
3. Stop eating. Just stop entirely. I'm living off of diet pills and water this year. I'm ridiculously enormous and the fat has gotta go. Or I may just eat a healthier diet and exercise more. Meh, we'll see what the year brings.
4. Work on one of my deadly sins. Bob determined that I embody about six out of the seven. If you can believe it, I'm not greedy! Anyways, I'm shooting for vanity, even though it should probably be wrath or pride. I seriously look at myself in every reflective surface I encounter, even my cell phone screen. It's ridiculous. Oh, but before I'm less vain, I must say I'm very happy that Leslie noticed I whitened my teeth!! Made my day!!
5. Get all my home repairs done. Actually, I need to keep my house in ready to sell condition at all times. You never know when the perfect next house will come along. *sob*
6. Pay off my credit cards!!!!!!!!!!

I can actually think of a lot more. But here's where I'll start. Maybe I do an update in a few months, report where I am. Well, that's 2012, folks!!  I can do it!! Positive thinking!

Made You Choke!

I think I'm so clever. Peep this edited conversation (it's edited to protect the privacy of a patient who is possessed by the devil).

Carlos: Will u please go see if ur broom stands up by itself and then send me a pic if it does?
Me: Awesome. *Photo attached*
Me: I just want to leave it like that and see when it falls.
Me: If it goes all Disney and starts dancing and hauling buckets of water and shit, I'm outta here.
Carlos: You just made me choke on my cucumbers!

Fact

I don't know if this fact about me is well known or not, but I love me some envelope glue. I need to take up letter writing again.

Memo

Today I wrote a check paying off my Nordstrom card. And to remind myself why I opened a Nordstrom card in the first place, I wrote "ballin' ass boots"  on the memo line. *sigh heavily* I have no self control. 

More Questions

Say someone cuts out your tongue. Why have we not reached a point in modern medicine where you can get that replaced? Obviously more for the purpose of speech, not artificial taste buds.

Question

Can you give a dog Miralax?

Boring

Have you ever met someone so boring, it makes you wonder how boring their significant other has to be in order to find them interesting? That was a long sentence.