As Seen On TV

I really need a Sobakawa cloud pillow. I've been informed that they're being sold at Walgreens. The thing is, the ones at Walgreens have actual buckwheat hulls in them whereas the televison ones have air beads with buckwheat hull-like qualities. Which is better? They're the same price, except for shipping, which I hate paying. But the ones from televison have a buy one get one free offer and it comes with a special pillow case. But I'm big on instant gratification. What to do?

A Sincere But Racist Question

Why do white people love Florida so much? Florida is a hot, disgusting place with no redeeming value. Scratch that. Due to the high Latino population, you can probably find some good food. Anyways, the minute white folks have some vacation time, they're off to Florida. Please help me understand.

Pomegranates

I secretly believe that pomegranates are an alien species slowly trying to take over Earth. They've been laying low for years and years, just biding their time. Then when science started talking about free radicals and antioxidants pomegranates decided to make their move. "Guess what?" they said. "We're chock full of antioxidants. Just test us, you'll see." And then, just like Audrey II originally planned, the takeover began. Pomegranates appeared in everything; juices, jam, body wash, lotions. Little pamphlets show up at the store on the proper way to eat then. "Oooh, we're so good for you! Check out our innocent little colorful seeds." Now we're right where they wanted us. But maybe it's not too late! Ignore those pomegranate products! Save us all! The next time you see that supposedly innocent fruit at the grocery store, in the back of your head, listen to Audrey II singing about being a big bad mother from outer space. And know she's bad.

How I Almost Burned My House Down (Again)

I decided I wanted some spring rolls for breakfast today. Lean Cuisine makes some now and they are quite tasty. You put them in a little crisping sleeve and cook them for 2.5 minutes. So, I popped them in the microwave, then sat at my computer for while. Eight minutes to be exact. Well, one minute before the smoke alarm goes off, I realize I never heard the microwave beep. Let's guess why, hmmmm? Yes, Erica added an extra zero and set the microwave for 23 minutes. By the time I got into the kitchen, the timer was at 15 minutes. Oh, and the entire kitchen was full of smoke, enough that I starting coughing immediately because my lungs wanted to die. I quickly stop the microwave, and open a window and the back door. My supposed rescue dog, seeing all this activity and now hearing the smoke alarm, gets off the living room floor and ambles back to his bed, like I was disturbing his nap. From the microwave a put out a completely black, charred lump. The glass plate also has big burn marks on it. Good times. But you know what's funny? Afterwards, I still really wanted spring rolls for breakfast.

Dear People Without Snow Blowers,

I hope your asses aren't too sore from being ripped a new one. Sincerely, Erica