Matthew Broderick...

...has the worst sideburns ever. I just see them and wish I could punch him in the face. He looks like he really wants muttonchops but is making himself hold back. Why do I let these things bother me?

Forced At Knifepoint

Rachel took a knife to my jugular and made me join Facebook. I vowed to never, ever, ever join Facebook. I'm highly ashamed of myself. Kill me now.

Thanks Bunches!!!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!!! And everyone who came out on Thursday. I had a kickass time!! Twenty-eight is gonna be the best year yet! Meh, probably not.

How?

I know that you can randomly scroll through blogs and find ones you like. But seriously, how do I have 60 followers? I'm sure there are other blogs that have hundreds upon hundreds of followers, and that 60 isn't all that many. But dude, in my daily life I doubt I know 60 people. Unless you know me, I'm really not that interesting. And the people who know me would probably tell you I'm kind of a pain in the ass. I'm just funny sometimes. And speak my mind way too often. I mean, thanks for following my blog and all, peeps. It validates that I'm super awesome. Well, to 60 people at least. Always to myself.

eHarmony

So I told myself I was gonna to fill out a profile on eHarmony. This is mostly because I accepted the fact that I probably won't meet anyone any other way due to the fact that 1) I'm antisocial 2) I don't leave my house and 3) I'm a nut job. Trying to get my friends to hook me up with anyone was a bust (You're all worthless to me! But please still come out for my birthday on Thursday!!! Drunk Erica is pretty hilarious!) But despite saying I was going to fill it out, I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't wanna! Why can't I meet someone at the grocery store, or while I'm out with the dog, or something? For the most part I don't drink (hey, just in Vegas and on my birthday), so I'd rather not meet anyone in a bar. Good luck meeting a nondrinker in Wisconsin, where our motto is "A bar on every corner." And it's not like I'm looking for the love of my life. I mostly just want someone to kick it with, maybe do some light traveling. Well, I'd also like to get laid regularly. That's not asking for much. A little friends with bennies. Come on Universe, hook me up! I'll leave my house more often, I promise. I'll try to tame my weirdness when I meet people. Still working on that eHarmony thing though...

DUDE!!

I'm totally gonna send out and e-mail, I promise. But what are we gonna do for my birthday? May 20, bitches! That's next Thursday. I'm procrastinating, as always. Does anyone have any suggestions on a good place to go for dinner and drinks? We could even do tapas or something. I've gotten one vote so Samba, which is delicious but a little pricey. Any other suggestions? Only cool people need respond.

Howdy!!

Hello, my friends at work!! How much do you all miss me? I bet it's lots and lots!!!

OMG!

Bernie weighed in at 140lbs!! That's insane. He was 125lbs in December! It's time to use fat euphemisms on him: he's big boned, it's all muscle, etc. And his teeth are so janky he needs to get sedated and have them cleaned by the vet next week. There goes the rest of my paycheck.

You Bother Me

Women that wear leather jackets and think that makes them totally badass are extremely irritating. That being said, I totally can't wait to rock my vintage leather Shaft jacket this fall.

Words Of Advice

Don't shave in the shower in the dark. You tend to miss spots.

I Was Thinking

Which we all know is dangerous. But I was wondering, if something happened and I lost one of my senses, would I rather be blind or deaf? Taste, smell, and touch are too much a part of the eating experience for me to even think about losing them. First, let's knock on wood. But after much deliberation, I think I'd rather be deaf. Which is surprising, considering I sing constantly and I just love running my mouth and being in everybody's business. But when I think of being blind, I imagine all the places in the world I want to see. I don't want anyone describing that shit to me. It'd just piss me off. And I'd totally become a master lip reader so I can still be in everyone's business.

Epic Friendship Fail

My best friend of 14 years has ended our friendship due to my buying Bernie a raincoat. While I knew this day would come, I didn't think it'd be over something as awesome as the yellow slicker he'll be pimpin'. Let's all have a moment of silence for a friendship that was both odd and dysfunctional.